send me some jokes........with simple english..... 'A' JOKES ALLOWED?

Question

GENERAL

Answer 1

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

;;;;here is another one ;;;;
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water

;;;;and another;;;;;;

Coward dads...............?
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the most coward. The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes he slides underneath our bed." The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared that when mummy works nightshift he sleeps with the woman next door!"

Answer 2

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Answer 3

A guy signs up with a programme to lose weight. They promise that you will lose 10 lbs in the first week. The first morning the door bell rings and a naked 19 year old is standing at the door with sneakers on. She says if you can catch her, you can have her. She takes off running and without thinking he takes off after her. He eventually stops because he's out of breath. This happens for the whole week. At the end of the week he get's on the scale and actually lost 10 lbs. He was impressed so he calls and signed up for another week.
The next week the bell rings and a beautiful woman is standing naked at the door with Nike sneakers on. She says if you can catch her you can have her and takes off running. Without hesitation, he takes off after her as well. This goes on for another week. At the end of the week he weighs himself and has lost 20 lbs.
Really impressed now he decides to go for broke and signs up for the last treatment. The woman asks if he really wants the last treatment, It's really intense and he says yes. The next morning the bell rings and standing there is Gene Simmons naked in sneakers. He say's If I can catch you I can have you.

Answer 4

There was a young man who could only speak a few simple phrases. These being, I did it, I did it. Fork & knives, forks & knives. Bring it on fat boy and Plug it in, plug it in.

While out for a drive one day, he was pulled by a policeman for unsafe driving. The officer asked the young man if he had taken a driving course recently. The young man replied "I did it, I did it". The officer asked " How did you do it"? The man replied "Forks and knives, forks and knives". This irritated the officer and he told the young man, "Don't make me drag you out of that car." The man said "Bring it on fat boy".
The officer asked "Do you want to go to the electric chair? The young man replied " Plug it in, plug it in.

Answer 5

sure.............

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Answer 6

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Answer 7

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching the lid of his coffin

Answer 8

knock, knock

who's there?

banana

banana who?

knock, knock

who's there?

banana

banana who?

knock, knock

who's there?

orange

orange who?

orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Answer 9

So your question is what now?