1. Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
24. Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks.
2007-03-28 00:37:04 · 22 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
LMFAO!!! Fantastic, you've lightened my lunch break, ta very much.
2007-03-28 01:14:18 · answer #1 · answered by Paula R 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some lightbulb jokes: (remember the original one? How many (ethnic group of your choice) does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Five, one to hold the lightbulb and four to rotate the ladder.")
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: How many can you afford?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: One, but the lightbulb is going to have to really want to change.
How many mafiosi does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Three....one to change the lightbulb; one to witness the changing of the lightbulb, and a third to shoot the witness.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: None of your damned business!
How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Fifty! It's in the contract!
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Five, one to change the lightbulb and four to experience the changing of the light bulb.
How many Oregonians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Six, one to change the lightbulb, and five to chase the five Californians, who came north to experience the changing of the lightbulb, back south.
2007-03-28 07:54:26 · answer #2 · answered by njmarknj 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
They cracked me up. I have not laughed so much in years. Keep up the Great work. And thank you for making me laugh.
2007-03-28 07:45:41 · answer #3 · answered by Smurf 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hee Hee Hee Mee Mee Mee - great jokes.
2007-03-28 07:41:31 · answer #4 · answered by crazylady 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Excellent ..lol....I only found #9 to be a little washed up and # 14 to be a little painful....LOL
2007-03-28 08:00:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
God bless Tommy Cooper for those jokes.
2007-03-28 08:45:05 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
awesome you are good very funny lol 9/10
2007-03-28 07:47:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Awesome jokes!
2007-03-28 07:40:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
fair play very good mind u one or two were a bit ropey
2007-03-28 07:52:35 · answer #9 · answered by mini digger driver 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ha ha ha how can one feel depressed in YA when you got guys like you cheering us up .... lol lol laughed my A** off ....
2007-03-28 07:47:49 · answer #10 · answered by caimilefailte 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋