Please provide me some 1 or 2 minutes real life jokes to perform on the stage?

Answer 1

sure.............

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Answer 2

Don't know about real life ones, but I can tell you one...don't know if you would like it....but I did.

A congressman died and an angel met him at the gate and told him we want you to be happy with where you are going to stay so we are going to take you around and see where you think you would like to be....so first he visited heaven and everyone looked peaceful and calm...floating around on clouds, etc. and the congressman thought,"well this looks pretty good"... so then the angel said.... "o.k...now we want you to see also what hell looks like.." and when he got there everyone was just having this great party, really living it up, and having a great time"....so then the angel said..."well, where do you think you would like to stay"...?

So the congressman said..." well, heaven looked pretty nice....but to tell you the truth...I thought hell looked like a lot more fun....so I want to stay there...I choose Hell".

So the congressman went back to Hell...but when he walked in there was fire and brimstone, and it was miserable and hot.....and looked just awful...and he said to the angel...."wait a minute....it didn't look like this before...what happened?"
And the angel replied, well the first time we were just campaigning....now you've voted!"

Answer 3

Criminal Hall of Shame
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we
present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

When I was in the US Navy many years ago, we were all doing the morning S.S.S. routine. I was in the john and someone, I don't remember his name, was in there and did not know I was also. He got mad because I made 2nd Platoon leader and told someone else that he was thinking about kicking my butt to put it nicely. I sat and listen to him and when he was finished, I came into the room and said that "if you were not so much of an idiot, you would have made it, and I called him a bald headed MF'er". I did not stop to think that EVERYONE had NO HAIR as it WAS Bootcamp. I laughed at myself until tears rolled down my cheeks.

Answer 5

Funny

Answer 6

well, you might like this one,
There is this office worker, one day the wife asked him to come and pick her for outing, and they where having a conference meeting in their company and the secretary to this man got drunk and the danger was too much that this man have to take the secretary to her house and drop her and lock the door and rush back to pick the wife.
getting to the wife she was already annoyed becos he came late so they started going to their destination on the way the man look down and saw a woman shoe inside the car thinking the shoe is for the secretary so he look for a way to distract the wife so he can trough the shoe out of the car.
so he started Dear, look at this building is big! the wife didn't look, later he said D, why are this people fighting she look out the the man trough the shoe away from the car and when they arrival he came down and open the door for the wife to come down,
so when the wife come down she said:::

Honey! did you see one leg of my shoe??????????????????????????

so how will the husband tell the story that he go to drop the secretary in her house that she got drunk?????????? that he trough the shoe out of the car?

Answer 7

my son was about 10 yrs old,and 1 day at school,some kid in front of him, had gas, really really bad, and just kept tooting and tooting. my son i guess was beginning to get gagged, and just blurted out, DON'T FART, I CANT FLY!

(the nun pulled my son from his seat and he spent the rest of the day, in a gas free environment... principles office) but it cracked up the class.

Answer 8

When somebody heckles you, say "so let it writtern, so let be done". I did this to my 1st standup @ the daily grind. When asked, why i said that all over the conversation he was having. "i stated, because i dont have a gong"!!

Answer 9

Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to chick fila and curse them cows out.

Answer 10

what a Q.....just be there on the stage for two minutes....