NEED ADVICE! Is this a good way to support my best friend with bipolar disorder?

Question

One of my close friends, N has recently been in hospital as she was suicidal, she checked herself out but she wasn't ready for it. I was considering moving in with her to take care of her but we don't think she needs that much intervention yet.
She has dependency issues, self sabotage, negative self-talk and she is not looking after herself in any way (food, money, exercise, taking pills on time etc etc).

Another friend, Nic and I are thinking that N needs to tell us how to support her. But she won't tell us if we just ask. So Nic & I are going to sit down with N and tell her about Nic's sister who has very similar issues to N (we're not making it up, it's coincidental). We're hoping that this way, N will tell us how to best support her and get her back on track.

If you have bipolar or experience with it, do you think this is a good idea? Also, what do you think are key ways we can establish routine in N's life? All your advice is SO much appreciated.

Thanks!

Please tell me any questions that you think we should be asking her. And also things that we should be looking out for with her behaviour. And any ways we can support her that you think could make a difference.

Answer 1

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder since I was 19 and have written a book about my personal journey with it that I think might really help both you and your friend understand what is going on for her right now.

It is called "I am Lisa; I am not Bipolar".

In it I discuss issues about taking meds and non-compliance as well as very honest accounts of the thoughts in my head that led to my diagnosis. The important thing for me has been not to over-focus on the medical condition at the expense of validating me as a human being with a right to unique feelings and perceptions (hence the title..)
The problem with mental illness is it raises questions about who we are as a person. Is this me, or is this my disease?

Well-being is very much dependant on a sense of self-esteem and focusing on the "sickness" can devalue this. The best thing anyone ever did for me to help me through a major suicidal depression was to ask me to remember a time when I was truly happy and to see if we could re-create that in my life now. I recalled how happy horses had made me when I was younger, so my husband at the time bought me one... that is extreme, I know, but I wanted to die, and then I had a reason to live and something to look forward to, getting a new horse! (Forever thankful to my now ex-husband for his overwhelming support during that tough time!)
My guess is that your friend will see thorugh the "we have this friend..." routine and my advice would be to be honst with her. She may have Bipolar but she is not stupid. Tell her you are worried about HER and that you care, ask her to recall happier times and see if you can't help her re-live some of them.

Another life saver for me during an extremely suicidal period was when my friend, who had called everywhere he knew of for help and advice and was crying on my porch in despair, turned to me and said "Lisa, I don't know what else I can do, and I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you, but all I can say is that I am here for you, and that I care".

I burst into tears and thanked him profusely... I knew he couldn't help me out of the hole I was in, only I could do that, but his words were more comfort than I could have dreamed and exactly what I needed to hear. It was enough to raise my hopes that I was appreciated and wanted and someone did care if I lived or I died.
I hope this helps you with your friend...

Answer 2

sounds good to me, but maybe not yet - if she's just been in hospital it might be all a bit much right now. Are her family involved in supporting her? I have some experience of bipolar and it's a really really complicated disorder, very hard to watch from the outside too, it would be a good idea for you to do some research , read some books, maybe see if there's a group you can join to hear how others have helped their loved ones.

On another note, why not tell her you want to get fit for summer and ask her if she'll help you to stay motivated by meeting you for a walk every evening, or every second evening or something. Then it's about you, not about her, but she'll benefit too. Then you could go for a light meal afterwards and you'll know she's eating too.

the lapse rate with bipolar is really high, mostly because they don't like taking the medication. If she feels groggy when she takes it then her dose is too high. It can take many adjustments to get the dose right and it will probably need tweaking every few months - make sure she knows this, that it isn't meant to make her feel bad, it's meant to make her feel okay, and she should make the doctors adjust it until it does.

Best of luck with this, and good on ya for caring so much.

Answer 3

The following series of articles are available on-line:

Understanding Mood Disorders
- Tormented Minds
- Living With a Mood Disorder
- Hope for Sufferers
- How Others Can Help
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2004/1/8/article_01.htm

When Someone You Love Has a Mental Disorder ...
- Recognize symptoms.
- Become informed. - Pursue treatment.
- Encourage the sufferer to seek help.
- Avoid placing blame.
- Have realistic expectations.
- Stay Connected.
- Consider the needs of other family members.
- Promote good health practices.
- Take care of yourself.
- Some Warning Signs of Mental Disorders.
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2004/9/8/article_01.htm

How to Maintain a Healthy Mental Outlook ...
- Poison to the Brain
- Choose Entertainment Wisely
- Seek Divine Direction
http://www.watchtower.org/e/19990708/article_03.htm

How to Find Real Happiness
- Think of Your Spiritual Needs
- Keep Your Life Simple
- Happiness and Self-Worth
- Hope--Vital to Happiness
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2001/3/1/article_02.htm

Hope--Where Can You Find It? :
- Does Hope Really Make a Difference?
- Why Do We Need Hope?
- You CAN Fight Pessimism
- Where Can You Find REAL Hope? http://www.watchtower.org/e/20040422/article_01.htm

Many have told me that the suggestions in these^ online articles have been very helpful to them. I hope you find them to be so, also!
(Several of them are written to the sufferer themself, & to read these may very well help her. Some are aimed at those who are trying to learn how to support sufferers. All of them contain valuabe information.)

Advanced On-site Search
(For more info, or, when a link becomes modified.)
http://www.watchtower.org/search/search_e.htm

Answer 4

I have bipolar disorder too and I know how depressed times can make someone feel suicidal.The best way to support her is to take her to her doctor regularly and make sure she takes her medication regularly.As the time goes by,she will get better.If she's in a very pessimist situation right now,I don't think forcing her to exercise or anything would work.Just make sure she takes her medicine and as her friends you can be around her and support her by the love you'll show her.

Answer 5

I don't have bipolar disorder, but you say your friend is sucidal which is more of the depression part, and I have depression so I think I can offer some info on the matter. First off, I've been in N's shoes, with people talking to me and asking me who they should support me (this was about a year ago). I'm not sure if this is N's case, but I was in such a tailspin that I didn't know how to make head or tails about my feelings, and I had no idea what I needed support with. At that time I was just trying to numb my pain and just keep shuffling along, so I didn't know what to say when my friends asked me what they could do to help me. My point is, your friend could be the same, she might not know what she needs help with. In my experience, it sounds like she is in so much emotional pain that everything is falling apart, and doesn't know what her friends could possibly do to help her. What I'm trying to say is, don't get upset or anything if she doesn't know what to say. And don't think nesscarily she knows what she needs help with and that she just doesn't want to say, she may honestly not know. And I think it is a good idea to talk about Nic's sister, to let her know that she is not alone and stuff, but I think you should be careful on the deliverance. When my friends talked to me and I didn't know what they could do to help they responded by telling me to stop complaining, and saying they couldn't do anything, and pressuring me to talk to them in stuff (not in the friendly pressure, but a more angered way). So please, for personal experience do ask her and talk to her, but don't get angry at her if she doesn't know what to say, and don't press to hard. Cause in the end she might just feel like no one understands her, and at this point this isn't the best thing for her. But you should let you know you guys care (for some ppl this means the whole world, that someone gives a crap whether they live or die), and let her know that if she needs anything you guys are always there to help her. Just let her know that she is not alone, and that you are willing to do what you can to support her. Don't expect her to just start spilling her guts, but let her know you are there if she wants to. To establish routine in her life, that ones harder. Is she "better" than when she went to the hospital, or is she just the same really. Cause she probably still needs professional help from a counsellor or something. If she is up to it, I would suggest helping her get a job, or if she has one helping her continue to go there. Overall, I think you should just keep encouraging, helping her as you can, letting her know you are there and you care, that sort of thing. She probably has a really crappy self esteem level, such just try to build her up, compliment her, make sure she knows you want to help her and be with her, etc. If you think she is moving towards suicidal things again, you should probably move in with her, maybe even if she isn't suicidal. There isn't anything major or instant that you can do, like donating and organ, but you just need to be there and such. I don't know if this helps at all. My heart goes out to you and your friends, and I hope all goes well. Best of luck!
-Sarah

Answer 6

I have not had that much experience with mental disorders but I am sure that you can't help someone until they are ready to help them self. Whatever you do just let them know that you are there for them no matter what. And try not to push them too hard, you will only end up pushing them away.