How do you break up with an ex and make it stick?

Question

We have been on and off for 12 years. Mostly off, a lot of fighting, etc. We have 2 daughters (7 and 11). He won't get the hint, or the cement block I have thrown to get out and stay out. I moved into my aunt's just to get away from him. He knows I am seeing someone else. But he still gets up every morning and calls like nothing happened. He calls me 50 times a day, we always argue. How do I sever the relationship tie, but keep the door open for him to see his girls. In the past he has refused to see them if we were broken up. He has tried to guilt trip me, threaten suicide, leavign town, not seeing the kids, etc to get me to let him stay. I am tired of fighting and so are my girls. What can I say or do that will make him understand that we don't work and our relationship is OVER?

We have done the make up and break up thing more times than I can count. My girls are being hurt by our lack of communication. We have tried to make things work many, many times, but we end up in old patterns. We have both caused problems in the relationship, so it's even as far as blame goes. I am just tired of doing the same thing for 12 years with no change. I want a serious, stable, peaceful relationship with a man that can act like and adult. I also know that my ex is not the one that I want to grow old with. So, we are wasting each other's time. I talk till I am blue in the face and still get no where. We live in a small town where there are no red lights. I just needed some advice on te whole mess. Maybe I should just get into the witness protection program?

Answer 1

He calls because you let him. He argues with you because you let him. He knows you're seeing someone else because you tell him.

Tell him it's completely over but a mutually agreed upon party (you can let a court decide) will take the girls and pick them up and drop them off if he wants to see them. Tell him he will not be allowed to see or speak to you.

Be brief, be even-toned, and make it clear. If he threatens suicide call the police. If he threatens you or wont take no for an answer then call the police. Do NOT threaten him or threaten to take the girls away. That would be dangerous and possibly tragic.

Tell him to decide in the very next and last conversation who the mutually agreed upon party will be so that he can see his children. If he tries to put off the conversation, refuse. Tell him a decision must be made immediately or you will let a court decide. (Filing is cheap, do not worry.)

You may need to have a court intervene period, because his behavior is "disruptive" to say the least. If he ever calls you again after your next and last discussion, file a restraining order and pursue full custody.

It's not "OVER" because you keep "leaving the door open." Close the door of interaction between the two of you. He is free to see the kids. That's all.

Answer 2

You need to be firm. Actions speak louder than words. You cannot let him guilt you into remaining "friends or more" with him. If you truly want it to be over think about and do things like:

-Change your number or allow him to only speak to the girls
-Get a restraining order with special permission to visit his girls.
-If you are legally together do the paperwork and make it official.

Do not let him threatening suicide or anything else change your mind. If you are truly worried that he will do something drastic call the police. They will remove the situation and get him the help he obviously needs. If he chooses to not see his girls they are better off. They don't need that kind of role model in their life. You need to make big hard changes for the sake of your girls and you.

Your girls will grow up to be with a man very similar to the one they grow up with-think about that. Do you want your girls in a relationship like yours has been? Not to mention you need him gone to move on with your romantic life. Do you think other men are going to stick around knowing that you won't stand up to your ex?

Do it for you and for your girls.

Answer 3

He's pretty good at manipulating and you're pretty durn good at being manipulated. You're being blackmailed and it's doing terrible, terrible damage to the kids. It's doing those kids great harm to let yourself be manipulated into contact with him so he keeps contact with the kids. That's NOT the way parenting works. What can you do? Whatever you need to do. A restraining order, call the police and have his butt arrested, change your phone number, whatever is required. You cannot keep the door open for him to see the kids--he's the only one who can do that. Put the responsibility for his behavior where it belongs--on his shoulders and get it off yours.

Answer 4

#1 u are not over him if u are allowing this to happen!
Sorry but true!
2. Change your phone number cell!
give him your aunts number to be used only in emergency!
And no he doesn't need your cell number, house is fine!
If he gets it, get a restraining order!
3. drop off and pick up in public place like McDonald's
4. Think in the terms of him being a weird o that u don't want
any thing to do with any more.
5. if u need to file charges-file charges he will get the hint!
**Hope this helps-it did my ex-when the police got involved!

Answer 5

Well it might be hard but cut him off completely nothing no communication unless it's about the girls and when he starts the dumb stuff hold your ground cause if he really loves his daughters he will eventually man up it might seem like it's hard in the beginning but it will get you free you can't stop living because he can't let go everyone will understand

Answer 6

You should not be allowing such an obvious headcase to guilt trip any further first of all....he has no right in these innocent children's lives. let them wait til they're 16/18 or whatever the legal age is where you're from and they can choose for themselves if they'd like a suicidal threatening freak in their life....You have to step up to the plate now, since you're sane enough to ask then just be responsible enough to take advice and do something about it....GET RID OF THE LOSER! Who cares what he says next, change your damn phone number then...your precious daughters will thank you for it, trust me...what good is he to them if he's such a fukkup with you?

Answer 7

I guess the truth is he is trying to find a way to keep you around. the excessive calling and all is all a sign that he still wants you and want to stick around. The reality of it all is that he will forever be part of your life. Instead of trying to erradicate him out of your life why dont you try to build some form of friendship with him. coz belive you me all the fighting is definately affecting your 2 daughters. Try and talk to him without getting into a fight and explain to him though the relationship is over, you still want him to be part of your daughters lives and start building a friendship that will help not only you but your children as well.

Answer 8

Sit down and just talk for a while. Maybe he'll gettit then. Or if this doesn't work call the police on him or something (coz it might turn in to a very serious thing) If it DOES work....introduce him to someone that you might think will be alrite with him (as in a date but don't do it too soon wait a few weeks or so). Jst to giv him the hint that it IS over.

Answer 9

SEVER ALL TIES WITH HIM COMPLETELY!
Stop picking up the phone, put answering message on at all times, listen to message and only get back to who you want to BUT HIM. Don't fall for any of his suicide calls. SAVE ALL MESSAGE, you may need to show prove of his desperate
ploys. (And when talks of suicide, just send the police over to his house. $10.00 said he will stop that little head game)

If you see him any where on the street cross it and vacant.
As for him seeing the kids, ask them what they want and never call him down to the children as that his their father.
If he wants to see them find a good meeting place and only supervised until he not sounding so suicidal. (For all family sake). If still keeps it up get a court order for him to stay clear of you.
I my opinion that's what I would do.

Answer 10

Get a restraining order or better yet, receive full custody of your children, and once he starts shelling out all the money in child support, he will be begging you for joint custody

Then he will be seeing your girls, you will be able to live your life, and he will move on.

Sounds like the guy committing suicide isn't a bad thing, maybe you should let nature run its course.....