Am I heartless?

Question

My mother-in-law just died after a short illness. She was 85 and also had Alzheimers. My husband and daughter flew back and are helping with arrangements. Due to her lack of financial skills, we will be helping with costs. My husband wants me and our adult son to fly back also. Not counting time off work, it will cost over $1,000 for the two of us to fly back on short notice. There will be a memorial at a lake as she will be cremated. Am I being heartless to not want to spend this money, which we can do but it will hurt? She is gone and I'm sadden by that, but there is nothing I can do about that. My husband will recover just as all of us do after a loss of a parent. Give it to me - I can handle it.

Answer 1

The person who needs you most is your husband.
You should be there for him.
I dont think your heartless your just not considering his feelings.

Answer 2

Not heartless, But this is hard for your husband, and you should be there for him if you can. This is not a good time to leave him on his own. What i would do is what if it was the other way around. Would you want him there with you if he could be?
The loss of a parent can be hard on a person. And having your loved ones around you can help.
But then again, It's all about what kinda of person is your husband? Only you really know the answer to this.

Answer 3

Yes. You are being too cold about it. Sure she was old, and everyone must of seen it coming. But it's HIS MOTHER. Of course everyone eventually gets over the death of their parents, but if you have a loving spouse, their support makes it a whole lot easier. If you don't have it, it makes it that much worse. If it is within your reach you should do it. I know i would feel awful if i was in your husband's situation, and my spouse wasn't there with me, and cared more about money.
You may not be so heartless if you knew for a fact that your husband is absolutely FINE with it all. If he didn't care about his mother passing, or if he's looking at everything as coldly as you are. But, again, since it's his mother we're talking about here, i really doubt it.

Answer 4

You said that your husband wants you and your son to fly back as well. Isn't going to show support and to comfort your huband more important than worrying about ways to save money?

If you were in his shoes, and your mother died, and you wanted your hubby and your son to attend...how would you feel if your husband told you that he should probably stay behind to save money.

Of course there's nothing you can do about the fact that your mother-in-law is gone, but isn't there a way to show concern, care and support for your husband by attending the funeral?

People first. Money second. Money isn't everything.

Answer 5

I suppose it would all be a matter of view on death & morals.

One person might see a funeral is a inexcusable thing to miss not because you may actually or not actually want to go but because it's a matter of respect or tradition. Best example of this would be like a Mob funeral or wake.

On the other hand, like myself, someone might see death as a natural thing of life and give less thought to it. It doesn't make you a cold person or less of a person it just means you are a bit more comfortable about it than others or most.

And the deal with money.. She's gone, I doubt she'd complain.

Answer 6

NO you are NOT heartless,,it is a very sad situation but how is it going to impact you when your work or finances suffer...probably a lot...of course you want to be there, and the ideal situation is for everyone to be there..but if you just cant afford it...what can you do? The bereavement fare for airlines has some requirements i think but definetly check into that...the bottom line is you should talk it over with your husband and if he still insists that you go, then maybe its for the best...explain to him how much you need to, but you also need to think about the impact, and what it may do to you guys AFTER its all said and done...thats important, too!

Answer 7

It does sound a little heartless and sounds like your being stingy. My best advise is to put yourself in his situation. If god forbid something happened to your mother and he told you he didnt want to spend the money because he thought it could be put to better use how would that make you feel. It's a tough situation.

Answer 8

i think your husband would be hurt that you are even considering not going and i cant see why your son wouldnt want to go, wasnt this his grandmother? you can always make more money but this will not happen again and your husband may not forgive you for it. when my fathers mother died, who my mother had never got along with, my mother paid over $2,000australian for our family to fly there and then she stayed there to be with my papa for a couple of weeks afterwards.
be there for them, and dont think so much about money

Answer 9

Why are you thinking more about money than about your husband's feelings?

Where is your sympathy for your husband's pain? Just saying that he'll get over it is very cold hearted. It sounds to me like you don't care a lot about him.

It may be important for your son and for your daughter to lay their grandmother to rest. Surely you care about them, don't you?

Stop being so selfish! Your family has needs. Take care of them.

Answer 10

In my opinion, yes, you're being heartless. His mother just died. He's hurting. He wants his family around to help him through it. Spend the money (and you’ve already said that you do have it) and GO.

Answer 11

The short version is:: RESPECT! It happens to everyone - no one gets out alive (including you!) - and the rest of us have but one opportunity to demonstrate our inner feelings.

Think about Ebenezer Scrooge. Who went to his funeral? Why, or why not? Under what conditions? Was your M-I-L a Scrooge?

Her body is gone but her spirit holds many feelings and emotions within. Are you willing to withhold yours from her? Over money? You make the call! Don't do it out of a sense of guilt. Do it because you WANT to. You're not heartless, but I hazard to think of your own passing.