Am I cut out to be the wife of an Army Soldier?

Question

My husband is at Basic Training right now, and he's only been gone since March 6th. He graduates May 18th, and I'm really getting depressed. I'm trying to stay supportive.. I send at LEAST one letter a day, but when I talked to him I can tell we're both depressed. We're the types that can't even stand being away from one another for a night, let alone this. He only joined to help support our family. He didn't have a "passion" for this.
How do I keep holding on? If I'm like this now, what do I do when he's deployed? We were married only 3 weeks before he left, and we have 2 children. How do you military wives do it?
My husband wants us to move to be close to him during AIT in Fort Eustis, VA, but will I even be able to see him?

Help... I feel very alone, and my husband, who is also my best friend, isn't here for me to talk to (obviously, I wouldn't be alone then!!).

Please.. if you have something mean to say, go elsewhere to say it.

Answer 1

Well my hubby just got into the Air Force and while it is the Air Force, it's still the military and I know how you feel. We were joined at the hip before he left and he joined for the same reason. I got pregnant a while ago but unfortunately lost the baby. During BMT, the best way I coped with it was to be extra proud! I went out and bought every decal I could for my car, got license plate frames, t-shirts, decked out my Myspace with all sorts of everything Air Force....Just hold your head high and exaggerate your pride. It helps you to keep the resentment of the military away. If you have resentment for the military, you might grow to resent your husband. You may not feel strong now, but hon, you will. The strength will come to the both of you. It'll be a hard road ahead but true love can withstand anything. Just smile for him and be proud. And if his AIT is longer than 5 or 6 months, your family can go with him and I think you may also be able to live with him.

Don't despair. Everything will get much, much better in the time to come and just let him know how proud of him you are and that you're behind him 100%! I promise, you'll make it through and when you PCS, invest in a handful of spouses to make friends with. They will become vital to survival during deployments.

Good luck, hon! You're both in my thoughts and I'd just like to say thank you to your hubby for defending our country. I'm proud of every one of our soldiers, no matter what branch!

Answer 2

Well, I can't say I'm a military wife, but I did have a brother in the Marines so I know something of extended separation.

Some things to consider:

First, you've already made a commitment to support your husband in whatever circumstances. So it's not a question of whether you should be a wife, it's a question of what kind of wife are you going to be?

Second, take this experience as an opportunity to grow in several ways. It makes you a deeper person because your spectrum of experience is increased. It also gives you a chance to connect with other wives and other people who worry about their close ones in the service. You'll find that in that kind of company you'll feel much better knowing you're not the only one struggling.

Third, your husband should really think about his position in the service. If his heart isnt there, will he be ready to make the sacrafices that soldiers have to make on the battlefield? If it's just a job, there's surely some other job out there for him where he can work with the family nearby.


Overall, this type of separation is never easy, so struggling is normal. But keep your head high and later on in life youll be able to look back and know that in the face of trial, love held you together and you made it through. Control the things you can. That's the best you can do.

Answer 3

If this isn't something your husband is passionate about, then this isn't for him. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm being truthful. The army is something that takes a HUGE commitment. Not only from him, but from you as well. I would not move just to be close to him during AIT. Depending on his MOS and how well he does in AIT, you MIGHT get to see him once a weekend after the first month or so of training. And that's a big "might". You need to hold it together for him and your family. Your kids need you, especially right now. The only thing that I can tell you is that the seperation gets easier over time. You won't ever stop missing each other, but you learn to get through the day. You have to.

Answer 4

Depending on his MOS, you may or may not be able to see him during AIT. My husband's AIT was only 9 weeks, and they kept them on lock-down the same way they did during basic training. If I'd moved there, I never would have gotten to see him. Find out the rules regarding his AIT. At best, you may get to see him a couple of hours a day, and he probably won't be able to live with you. It will probably be more expensive than it's worth.

This is the first time you've been seperated. It will get easier with time - if you work at it. You can't just sit back and expect it to come to you, you have to work hard to be a good Army wife. Learn as much about the military as you can - ask him questions about his job, pay attention at briefings the command gives the families, etc. If you don't try hard to get good at it, you'll never adapt to being a military wife. Once he's assigned to a unit and you guys get to move to be with him, it will probably be less stressful. The Army can be really scary at first, but once you learn more about it and get used to the life style its not bad. When you get to a duty station, take the Army Family Team Building classes. They will help you understand a lot about the Army and also help you as a new military spouse. You should also get as involved with the Family Readiness Group as you can - it will help you make friends with the other spouses and build a support system for when he deploys.

As far as being depressed goes, stay as busy as you can while he's gone. You have to be the strong one for both your children and your husband. He will have a lot easier time if he knows that you are ok back home. Some of my husband's and my biggest fights are because I am sad when he calls home from Iraq. He can't handle the stress of his job and my emotions some days, and we end up fighting. It's ok to be sad, just try to be glad he called and enjoy the few minutes you get on the phone. He really will be home before you know it.

Answer 5

I am hoping you are asking for an honest answer as opposed to being told that "its going to be ok" like some wives will tell you. If you cant handle Basic and AIT, I have no idea how you are going to handle the other things the Army is going to throw at you. There will be times you will be apart for "short" amounts of time, like schools and field exercises....NTC also. Those can be anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 weeks. There will be early mornings and late days. There will be deployments that last for at least a year. And depending on where you go, you could deploy every other year like they do here at Ft Stewart. Can you handle that?

Me and my husband are one of those couples who are attached at the hip. My husband is my BEST friend and we do EVERYTHING together....from commissary trips to the barber shop. We are everything to each other. And I handle deployments and other times we have to be apart because I know that he needs to talk to me as much as I need to talk to him. Every waking moment when he isnt working is spent with me. And that doesnt change whether he is here or deployed. When he is deployed, he is either working, eating, or logged onto the computer. That is our time together. And it just happens to be over the computer instead of in person. I spend my time getting care packages together, writing letters, and pretty much doing everything I can to take care of him.

Realize that if you can get through basic, AIT, deployments, schools, that you can be a STRONGER couple. Sure it is hard sometimes, but if you truly love your husband, you will support him. Be there for him in the ways that you can, and stop worrying about the things you can not control (the army).

I do wish you and your husband the best. I do hope that you can find your path in this, and realize that you CAN be a good army wife. Listen to all the replies, seek out support, and love your husband with everything you have.

Answer 6

Hold on, it's not depression, it is just a temporary missing link in your life. Of course you are missing him and he you to. Just natural. You can move temporarily to where he will be for AIT, and you get to see him. He is sacrificing a lot for his family and you for him. So just hang on and pray for him every night. Where is he now?

It will not be long till you can hold him in your arms again. It seems you both have a very strong relationship, and it will be stronger when he is back. So I praise you for that.

Send him letters, and care packages, you know, add some cookies and stuff and pack it with a smile, cause when he opens it, you know he will be smiling.

How do I know all of this? I was a Soldier once with wife and 2 infant children.

I finally made E7 and am now retired. The wife is happy, I am Happy, and I have grandchildren.

So hang in there, keep a chin up, and remember, he is doing this for you and the kiddos. I did the same thing. But your seperation is just temporary, soon you will together again. Just stay busy, and don't sit and ponder. Take the kids and do things. Don't listen to other folks about pay and all that. Just support him and keep writing to him. I promise every morning at mail call he is waiting for his name to be called. He would probably do a thousand pushups for a letter from you.

Go to www.military.com great place to get great info.

Answer 7

Hang in there and keep in mind that even if you don't adapt to the lifestyle it isn't forever. There's a reason enlistments eventually end and you can make it at least that long.

Personally, I'm the kind of wife that a little contact is so much better than no contact so I always move to be near DH. Especially when the military is paying for it. I might choose otherwise if the move were for less than 6 months and we'd have to pay out of pocket.

I'm pretty sure our marriage would never have made it had I not moved to Orlando, FL while DH went through Nuke school. That was a year of intense work to keep up with a super tough learning schedule. But I could go on base for lunch and eat with him and have him home for a late dinner almost every night. Even when he moved on base to have more study time the lunches and late night runs together were more time with him than I would have had if I'd of stayed home.

But that's just my feeling. I know other wives who would have chosen differently and still made it work out. You have to find what works for you and stick with that.

Here are some links for support groups/forums that you might try out to talk to others going through this and build a network of friends: http://www.military.com/Community/Home/1,14700,GENERAL,00.html and http://www.cinchouse.com/. You might also search out groups on Yahoo, MySpace and anyplace else you network on-line. Start building up friendships because they are invaluable for maintaining sanity.

Answer 8

Hang in there..I am a Army wife of 11 years. My husband and I got married at 18 and he left for basic 1 week later. Its not easy but you can do it if you love each other and support each other. Moving to be closer to him in AIT is a bad move ...dont do it. You wont be able to see him..at all. Its is still part of his training. I could sugar coat it and tell you that it will get better but that would be a lie. This is just the start...when he gets to his unit there will be times he will go out to the field for 1 week to 1 month for training, if not more. The more he leaves the more you will get used to it. It is hard at times for us military wives...we are single parents a lot of the time. You will have an FRG..(family readyness group) that is there to help support wives, getting to know other wives will help. Each wife has their own system to help them get through, For me and my husband our love for each other and God is what helps us through. For the kids, I always have a calandar with the dates of when daddy leaves and comes home, I have them make him something so when he comes home they have a little gift to give him. Just hang in there..its not all that bad.

Answer 9

First before I forget, if you do move close to him, it would be a waste of time and money because you will only see him a few weekends while in AIT... as for him doing it for a job and no passion, alot of them start out that way.. and grow the Military heart...You can be as good as military wife as you want to be.. It is damn hard and when he leaves for a year it is going to feel like more then you can bare.. it is going to take you through things in life you didnt think was humanly possible.... BUT your husband joined the Military you are now his dependent, which means you depend on him for everything.. which in fact in the real world he is going to depend on you to be there for him and be the best damn wife you could be.. My husband is my best friend too, but this is the life he picked and I am here for him.. if you have anything you need to ask you can always ask me.. good luck

Answer 10

I have been the wife of an Army soldier for 17 years and it has been the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever had to do. Be ready to move alot if he stays in and always expect for things to not go exactly the way you want. If it does, then your ahead of the game.
Its really hard and lonely at times but if you have a good strong foundation to begin with you will get thru it and be even stronger as a family and as a couple.
Make sure you are a part of your units FRG, go to the ACS building at whatever post your assigned to because they will help you with just about anything, and dont be afraid to make friends. We are all in this together and you will find that we are a unique type of wives and really understand what your going thru but if your open to new things, you will make life long friends. I promise, you already have me! Dont be sad, I will keep you in my prayers. You can do this.