Trusting people, especially my family?

Question

How do I trust people, especially my family? I have been let down by them over the years and have felt excluded from their "inner circle." They only seem to accept me when things go well...when positive things are happening. But the moment negative things occur, they back away and fail to offer much in the way of support (e.g. listening, being there, etc.).

I feel like an outsider in my own family. And that just shouldn't be.

Paul

Answer 1

Hi, I know it sucks, I have felt that way with my family for a long time but what can you do. I'm the baby of the family and the only time my family really shows anything what so ever is when I have something that they want or if I'm sick and I just sit back and do my thing, I'm always trying my damnedest well I use to but I don't waste my time with that anymore.

There's not much that you can do about the way people are regardless if it's family or friends, you just need to except the way that they are and if they don't support you, seek that from your friends I mean hell I have been through alot just these past years and do you think any of my family was there to support me and I'll tell you it hurt for awhile and I always wondered what the **** but now I just look at them and shake my head because all that I have been through I have got through myself no matter good or bad.

It's great to have family and friends but when they act like something one day and then something else the next day I just leave well enough alone and do my own thing!

People just piss me off and I just go through things and do what I have to do no matter who's there for me.

Just hold your head up and stay strong, I know it's sucks without support but just realize that you can do anything as long as your not depending on others to get you through it.

Good night.

Answer 2

Hey Paul,
Sorry to here that, I know exactly how you feel...... all my life i have been the black sheep in my family and still am........ as much a s it hurts you must just make way for your own happiness........ you wil probably never know why they treat you like this but in all honesty don't let it get the better of you. I tried for many years for my family to love and respect me and each time I tried .... the more I felt hurt so next time I'd try harder and then Id get hurt more.......... I began frustrating myself over a problem tbhat my family have and came to realise that it just wasnt worth it........ you can't make people open up their arms to you, theyhave to want to..... so in the end I just worried about me and how I go about my daily thing and Im much happier, Im not saying for you to dis own your family becuase thats just how they are..... maybe you can tell them how they make you feel..... if you have difficulties talking then maybe write a letter......... deep down they really do love you and will be there for you ... its just their funny ways.......
Good luck.

Answer 3

Everyone has these moments, they may think that you can handle your negetive issues on your own. What you're going through is a form of depression. I've been through it, but the truth is, family don't want to get to involved in another members life becuase it could cause negative effects that lead to harsh words and family related issues. Talk to them, don't be stagnent in this, Paul.

Answer 4

find some common ground and connect with them....maybe they r tryin to get u into their inner circle, but u are pulling back....dont run away.......they will probably be really upset and that would make things awkward

Answer 5

Family will screw you quicker than anyone else. You can love your family from a distance, and at a distance is usually safer for all concerned.

Answer 6

In the words ofLudacris.... Runaway love

Answer 7

Have you had a sit-down with your family
and told them you feel this way?
Maybe they are not aware of what they are
doing?

Answer 8

I am in the same boat, I just keep to myself, I don't have to impress anyone but myself.

Answer 9

well you cant trust them if here like tht they sound like snottie little preppy b*tches that i would beat the ch*t out of

Answer 10

It sounds as if the problem is that you need help understanding the hidden issues inside yourself. You are blamimg your family for things that might not be their fault. I would suggest going to counsling to dig into the root of the problems. If you heal yourself, it won't matter if your family is supportive or not. It would be great if they were, but once you are healthy, you might not need them as much. Here is an article I found on anger.



Understanding anger
Most of us have been taught that anger is a bad thing, and that people who express anger are somehow out of control. Experts say, however, that anger is no different than loneliness, desire, fear or any of the many emotions you experience on a daily basis.

One way to understand anger is to imagine that you are carrying a bucket holding, let's say, a gallon of anger. As you go through your day, events and people will pour into your bucket a pint, a quart, two quarts or perhaps even half a gallon of things that make you angry.

"Anger doesn't just come out of nowhere," says Dr. Howard Glazer, PhD, clinical associate professor of psychology at Cornell University Medical College. "When your bucket is filled, it flows over, not into a puddle, but into an explosion of anger." And that explosion is what's dangerous to your health.

The likely result? You kick the dog, slam doors, chew out sales clerks, yell at your mate or snap at the kids. One way to cope is to deal with small upsets as they happen. If an aggressive driver in traffic makes your blood boil, work off the anger later at the gym or by talking to a friend about lousy, rotten inconsiderate motorists. Or turn up the car radio loud and sing along with your favorite music.

A threat to your health
Anger management is vital to your, health because the chemicals released in your body during a temper tantrum are as dangerous to your cardiac health as smoking or a high-fat diet.

"I personally consider anger the Achilles heel of heart disease," says cardiologist Stephen T. Sinatra, MD, assistant clinical professor of medicine at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine and, director of the New England Heart Center in Manchester, Connecticut.

It's probably no coincidence that the term we commonly use to express anger feeling "mad" is rooted in an early term for insanity. "The real threat happens when we deny anger and drive it underground, where it gradually changes into rage," says Dr. Sinatra, author of Heartbreak & Heart Disease. "Rage is the ugliest of all emotions because it is an uncontrolled fury that can be dangerous to ourselves and others." Unexpressed anger can stem from a major emotional injury in childhood, a divorce, a snub from a store clerk, being fired from your job, or some other real or perceived insult.

According to Dr. Sinatra's research, the body retains anger, which can be a factor in arthritis, high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease and other conditions. "A surgeon operating on a diseased heart can't tell if the patient ate a high-fat, high-cholesterol diet or if he had simmering anger," says Sinatra. "The blockage in the vessels looks just the same." Moreover, he has found that many of his patients hide profound sadness, heartbreak, and hurt with seething anger.

A threat to family health
Rage can also lead to shaken babies, battered mates, car accidents and worse. While women tend to internalize their anger and become depressed, men are more likely to strike out and harm somebody.

"Nothing can be more provocative than a misbehaving child," adds Dr. Glazer of Cornell. "Because women spend more time with children, learning anger management is a first step to reducing physical violence against children. Anger management may be a misnomer; it is actually anger consequence management that should be learned."

Men and women who lash out in anger learned that response at home. They are also more likely to raise children who use violence when their anger goes unchecked.

Advice for coping with anger
Turn on the waterworks
"Cry," says Dr. Sinatra. "Men and women who cry develop far less heart disease. Tears are the best remedy for detoxifying the body of hostility and excess anger."

Deal with the little things
Dr. Glazer often tells his anger management patients to keep notes on minor irritants and low-level annoyances that cause them to do a slow burn. "When you deal with little irritants as they occur, you create a little tap in your bucket that lets anger seep out, little by little," Dr. Glazer says.

The typical lists of exasperating things include snarled traffic, rude people, endless phone tag, brusque bosses, incompetent co-workers, changing area codes, and other seemingly trivial items. Research at Colorado State University reveals that about 75% of anger is caused by interactions between people.

Some people, however, have so much unresolved anger that they walk around with a virtually full bucket. So any small irritation causes them to blow their tops. "These persons basically have an emotional disability," says Dr. Glazer. Nonetheless, the great paradox in anger management is many people think they should not express anger.

Just say no
One basic anger control technique is learning to say "no"—to set boundaries and stand by them. Other exercises may include using a louder-than-normal voice to express negativity, jutting out your jaw, and making a fist and using arm motions that strike out. But the only thing you actually hit is air or pillows.

Count it out
Thomas Jefferson once advised when you get mad, count to ten before speaking. But he also said when you are really angry, count to one hundred. Deep breathing also often works because it can slow the heart rate and lower blood pressure.

Vent on paper
If somebody ticks you off, many experts still advise writing a long poison-pen letter and then tossing it out.

Just say so
Communication also works to clear the air when somebody pushes your buttons. Pull them aside and tell them in frank, unemotional language exactly why you are so upset. For example: "You probably didn't realize how your being late threw my schedule off kilter for the rest of the day."

And the next time the stranger next to you lights up a cigar, tell him exactly how his objectionable behavior makes you feel. "Do you mind? Cigar smoke gives me a headache." You'll feel better for it (and probably live longer).

Resources

Controlling Anger - Before It Controls You
American Psychological Association
http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html

Psychological Self-help
Mental Health Net
http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/

Anger Management: A Practical Guide, by A. Faupel, E. Herrick. and P. Sharp. David Fulton Publications, 1998.