What do you think of couples who are swingers?

Question

I personally don't know any couples who are swingers (or any singles either)

But if you do, how stable is their relationship.

Even if you dont know a couple, what do you think about it. Bad idea?? They can't really be in love if they want other people?? or its just something they like to do, no biggie?

Answer 1

I have corresponded with some here that have asked swinger questions. I'd say it is their own business and nobody's but God to judge. Actually, sorry to disappoint you, most of them are well-adjusted lust connoisseurs.

Answer 2

You might be surprised, it's possible that you DO know some swinger couples, but just aren't aware that they are in the lifestyle. We don't wear loads of gold chains, or perm our hair, or dress like Austin Powers. Short of what we choose to do with our recreational time, we're pretty much the same as everyone else.

Most of the swingers I know have a very stable relationship, but a small percentage are going through, or have been through, some problems. Then again, it's no different then the percentage of vanilla couples we know that have had problems. In fact, I know many more swinger couples that have been married 10+ years to each other then I do vanilla couples.

Why do we do it? It really comes down to a simple answer. We enjoy it, the same reason people go fishing, or on vacations, or bowling. The biggest problem those outside of the lifestyle seem to have is the seperation of love and sex. While we may have sex with others, we only love our true partners. Sex is recreational. Many have said that sex is nothing without love. While I can't agree with that (sorry, sex is still good!), I will say that recreational sex doesn't even compare with the sex you have with a life partner. That is where love comes into it.

Think of it in something totally innocuous (I probably murdered that word). I've been deep sea fishing with buddies, and really had a great time. Last year, I went deep sea fishing with my two sons. Watching both of them reel in a couple of huge fish, seeing the looks on their faces, and the total fun we had on that trip, nothing compared. It was still fisihing, and I had fun on both trips, but this took it to a totally different level.

Answer 3

My wife and I have been swingers for several years, so I can speak with some authority on the subject.

Our relationship is very stable and loving. As is the relationship with many of the swingers we know.

I can say with certainty though, that as a whole, most swingers don't have stable relationships. They do it for the wrong reasons. (usually unhappy with their relationship)

Why do it? It's fun and pleasurable of course. It can also be very erotic and bonding for a loving couple to be able to share something so intimate together without the jealousies so many other couples have.

Swinging is playing with fire. It is very dangerous. If you are not stable, you will get burnt. It is not for everyone. Only a strong healthy relationship can sustain through such an emotional test.

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Answer 4

We are swingers and know many swingers here in the local scene. We don't "know" the all... LOL But, we are good acquaintances and friends with many.

I'd day 95% of them are very happily married, socially and sexually well-adjusted people.

Of course (as others have mentioned) there are those that try to use swinging to "fix" or "spice-up" a waning relationship. They somehow think that having sex with others will magically repair all the damage that years of neglect of each other and the accompanying resentment has created. They quickly find out that it just give them one more thing to argue about and resent each other for. These are the ones that get divorced. But then again, they would have got divorced anyway, swinging just hastened the marriage's demise.

How is our relationship? Rock solid and stable. We are each other's best friend. We are like two teenagers in love, all the time. We talk all the time. We love being together. We even car pool these days even though we work at separate locations just so we can spend more time together. When we are at work we text message each other all day long. We are always touching or holding hands. Our friends say we are the happiest couple they know... and most of them don't know about our private life.

Why are we this way? Because we have removed sex as THE reason that we are married. As Intuition says (that posts here), we have taken sex down of the alter and we no longer worship it as THE reason we stay together. It is part of our relationship, but not THE relationship. Taking sex out of the equation in this manner has clearly defined why we are married to each other and not other people. There are lots of people in this world that we could have great sex with. But we can only have everything else we have (see above) with each other.

My wife is my best friend. She is my confidant. She knows my deepest, darkest secrets and she still loves me. I don't have to put on a mask around her for fear that she'll run away. She loves me for who I am, not who she wants me to be.

It all comes down to honesty, trust, and honor with each other. Things I will never betray in my wife and she never will in me. We don't have to. We don't fear each other, therefore we can be honest and open about anything.

Now, I'm not saying everyone should be swingers. Some have this same type of relationship and don't swing. Most however, do not. We were close before we started swinging (that is why we could swing successfully), but swinging gave it the push it needed to evolve.

Swinging simply is an extension of our great relationship and the great sex we have together. It's not replacement sex like some would believe. It's wanting each other to experience everything they can in life, and not being afraid of letting them do it. It's being secure in ourselves, in each other, and in our relationship.

It works well for us and many, many others. But, it doesn't work for everyone. It's simply knowing this about yourself and acknowledging so without being judgmental of those that live life differently, in any manner.

For some good information about swingers, from swingers, check-out The Swingers Board forums.

Answer 5

We have several friends who are swingers. Some have good relationships and some have bad but that is the same in all relationships even if you are not swingers. I personally would never swing because it would kill me to see my husband with someone else but a lot of couples do it. If you asked our swinger friends they would tell you that it the excitement of being with someone else and that they love their spouses. It is a BIG step in a relationship and one that shouldn't be taken lightly because once you do it you can never take it back.

Answer 6

Lots of good, accurate answers here. I think there should be a distinction made between couples who are swingers, and couples who have TRIED swinging. The ones who have tried it, and went into it with good, solid relationships with healthy communication skills, are the ones who backed away and decided to close that chapter, curiosity quenched, and the wiser for it. Now they are monogamous because they choose to be, because it is what suits their marriage the best. The other couples who tried it who went into it unprepared, recklessly, and without that strong foundation of a good relationship that I mentioned, these are the ones you hear the horror stories from. Unfortunately, there are many of them. They've tried swinging for the wrong reasons (to "fix" a lagging sex life, subconsciously looking to replace their mate, feeling that they "deserve" sex with other people, etc.) and they pay the price for it. As was mentioned, it's not something to take lightly.

The message board that RacerX mentioned (http://www.swingersboard.com) is an excellent place for information and advice. And about 99% of the time, couples who have hit roadblocks are told to NOT move forward until they have talked things through. If they see enough "red flags", the couple is told to walk away from it right now. Put it out of their heads, and focus on getting their relationship in shape. It's just not worth it otherwise. None of us wants other couples to ruin their relationships over this! Aside from the bad karma, practically speaking, it tends to rain on the whole parade when one couple at a party creates a scene or someone storms out or your play partner bursts into tears or a fit of rage. That...is NOT fun. If they can't handle it, they shouldn't do it.

MYTH: They can't really be in love if they want other people.

FACT: We do it BECAUSE we are in love. Because we can. We see each other as more than just a convenient source of good sex (although we are that to one another, too). I don't want my husband's formidable sexuality to be limited because of a silly rule that doesn't make sense to either of us. Seeing him with another woman does not hurt me at all, because I know that it is irrelevant to the health of our relationship. We have both promised one another that we would never allow sex to determine the course of our relationship ever again. It's apples and oranges. It truly has been separated from it, and yet this has not diminished neither love nor sex for us. We still highly value and respect both.

MYTH: It will always, always, always ruin a relationship.

FACT: 12 year marriage, swinging experience for 5 of those, and currently back to a "monogamous break" due to a very busy life. No end to our marriage in sight, and if there were, it certainly wouldn't be because of swinging. Remember, we made a promise.

MYTH: Swingers have no idea what real committment is about. They have no value for marriage.

FACT: That is absolute fiction. Sexual monogamy does not equal committment. Committment is being inadvertently hurt by one another's mistakes and readily forgiving for it, knowing that they'll need to forgive us someday, too. Committment is looking past the circumstances of today and seeing the bigger picture, understanding that we are with one another because we choose to be, and loving the soul of this other person even though they evolve as people throughout their lives. Oh yes, we understand committment.

And we value marriage more than most. We abhorr cheaters. Cheaters are opportunistic, parasitic cowards who value themselves and their sexual gratification over their spouse's needs and feelings. Why be married if you just want to sleep around? Isn't that a question swingers get a lot? Seems to me the door swings both ways... What we do doesn't qualify as adultery. Adultery is wrong because it hurts and dishonours - essentially steals from - the very person you made a promise to to never do such a thing to. Swinging does none of these things. If it hurt us, we wouldn't do it. But it doesn't. So why not? God made rules for good reasons. All we did was try to understand why the rule was in place, realized it didn't apply, and so got rid of it between us. Yes, we can do that. It IS our marriage, is it not?

Answer 7

I had a friend in high school and his parents where swingers....he hated them with a passion because of it.

Im 27 now

Answer 8

Personally, I've only known "two" couples. Not enough to make a judgment about the stability of their relationship, but both couples are now divorced, for what that's worth. Very subjective of me, but I "felt" they were searching for excitement they hadn't been able to find in each other. One I'd thought was a friend, planned some trip or other, & when I found out it was to be a threesome, I said thanks but no thanks. They were both ENRAGED. Ah well, ships passing in the night...just not my "style." Without further research, I can't but speculate it's a sublimation for something. Don't quote me, please.

Answer 9

I say what the hell you get married for?