At what age should a child be told that he or she is adopted? How should they be told?

Question

We adopted a child who was our foster child. We've had him since he was born. He knows we used to be foster parents for other children and that we had tried to adopt a little girl. Now we are trying to figure out how to tell him that he is adopted. He just turned 13, but is a very young 13 and is in the 6th grade. We love him dearly and do not want to have him angry at us or start to mistrust us as parents. We think he is at an appropriate age level now to let him know. What do you think? How should we tell him?? How much should we tell him??

Thank you all for your answers. I just wanted to point out that we never told him because we too live in a very small town and there are relatives who still live here that I would not want to have around him. (There isnt any other way to say it, people on drugs) Should we answer all of his questions except for who his birth parents were until he is older?

Answer 1

My husband was adopted by his foster parents. After the 3rd day of having him {he was a week old} his mom went down to social services and told them "Im not giving this one back I want to adopt him" so they let his mom and dad adopt him. He knew that they fostered other kids infact they continued to foster kids til he was 13. He was told when he was about 10 yrs old and could understand what adopted ment and was able to form questions he'd want answers to. He later in life ment his biological mom and brothers and sister{5 in all only one was kept by his biological mother} and he said having met her he is glad his parents adopted him.

What they told him was the truth. That he was born in a pickup truck on the way to the hospital, he was left at the hospital because his mom couldnt care for him. He came to stay at their house when he was 3 days old and the second his mom held him she couldnt imagine life without him.When he got older and wanted to know his real mothers name they told him. His mom and dad knew her name since it was such a small rural town in Wisconsin where everyone knows everyones business. His parents waited until he was 10 because they feared the same things you did that he'd be mad or wouldnt trust them. Infact I have never met someone that was closer to his parents then he is.

Two other people I know were also adopted but never had to be told because they just knew since one was korean and both parents were female and white{and this was in the 80s} and one is white and his brothers, sisters, mom and dad are black

Answer 2

I have 4 friends who were adopted.

2 found out when they were young.. one had a hard time dealing with it and it made the next few years very difficult, the other took it great and never looked back.

2 were told right before and after thier 18th b-days and both took it very well since they had grown up with the people they considered mom & dad, and they were old enough to understand the situation.

So, with that said, I think it really depends on your son and how you think HE will deal with the news. If you don't think he's mentally and emotionally ready, I would wait until you do think he is. I mean if it comes up, don't lie (b/c then he won't trust you when you DO tell him) but it's not like it's something you talk about everyday, so that sort of thing usually doesn't "come up".

Answer 3

You can sit down an explain the different ways that kids come to their parents. Some are born, others are adopted, others are foster kids and then are adopted, etc.

You can do it in an age-appropriate way and since it sounds like he is youngish, maybe short and sweet. Just let him know how lucky you feel to have him and ask if he has any questions.

Answer 4

HI, this question cought my eye, because I am too adopted. My parents told me that I was adopted when I was 8, I was very mature about it. And things did go very well. Specially because of those differences we had finally had a reason to exist. My younger sister was adopted by another family who decided to tell her when she was 6 (it was more or less the same day my parents told me) she was quite upset, she is a little bit spoilled, and felt a bit betrayed... Sooo I guess it depends on how a child was raised, open minded to life or not... As far as your son goes I would probably tell him now, because when they get to that age (teens) it gets more difficult, because they go through all those changes, they get angry at everyone and everything.. it just might be a litle more delicate. As far as how much shoul you tell him, well go all the way it's worse to find out litle details through someone else or by himself. That did happen to both of us (me and my sister) and that can ruin the trust we have. It takes a lot to get over it. I did, my sister didn't...now she's a goth (God help me).. Anyway, best of luck!!

Answer 5

I was adopted and I found out at school for some reason some of the kids knew but I didn't. I didn't care in fact I was glad!

I would think by 13 he should have the right to know long ago. Tell him you adopted him because his mommy couldn't take care of him and you love him very very much! Be ready for any questions he may have. Just be caring and be there for him.

Answer 6

I think that you should tell him as soon as possible.. if they're little and you tell them right off the bat, it's not a hard thing. But the longer you wait, the more tension it will build. Make sure that both of you sit down and tell him how much you love him and then tell him that you adopted him because you loved him so much, and that if he has any questions then you're open to them.

Answer 7

I think it would have been better to have told him before hes is a teen and right nowtelling him that he is adopted couldmake him really upset. But then again I wouldnt wait any longer if you tell him at age 16 he might think you have lied to him his whole life. It would have be best if you had told him since he was little. But since theres nothing to do now i suggest you tell him as soon as possible

Answer 8

well. im 12, and i think that now would be a good time 2 tell me. so since ur child is 13, now would be a GREAt time 2 tell him! i know id understand, and at this age wouldnt be so affected. u could tell him by sitting him down and explaining everything from start to finish. just dnt stall and wai tuntill hes like 20 and going to college, becuz that will damage him 4 life. NOW IS A GREAT TIME! good luck! :)

Answer 9

Tell him now, just let him know he was special because you chose him. I'm adopted and my parents told me at 12.

Answer 10

i was adopted. my parents told me when i was very very young. so young i dont remember not kknowing anyother way. i think its very important that he knows that he is adopted and that you love him regardless. tell him the truth becuase one day any lie that u tell him now will fall apart later. he needs to trust you becuase your all he has. good luck