I only had one person read it last night and wanted more feedback about it! thanks! does it flow ; how can I make it better
Happiness reflects as I fly along
Life is now complete.
Suddenly I plummet into obscurity
I shriek in anguish for help but my cries are futile
Inner bleeding now consumes me
For my body is tattered and torn
I endeavor to retrieve stability
But all that remains is isolation
No scars are seen from the fall
You laugh and grin to hide the screams
You pass me everyday
Not knowing were I have been
You smile a fake smile
You gleam as though you’re free
But you can never escape the inner part,
You are me
2007-03-27 09:25:51 · 3 answers · asked by sweet pea 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Performing Arts
very very nice poem, expresses feelings, who's it for?
2007-03-27 09:37:53 · answer #1 · answered by Steven W 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Quite frankly, it seems a bit disjointed to me. I have no idea what exactly you're trying to convey and I have no idea where you're going with it. I'd pick a metaphor or an illusion and run with it. I'd also try not to be so literal. It's poetry... I'd supposed to be abstract and have implied meanings in it! I think part of it might be the sudden change of perspective in the second stanza... Are you talking to someone else, or are you expressing your own anguish at something to the world? Pick one and run with it.
You definitely have a germ of an idea here, and your emotions seem genuine. Just work on your wordplay, and you probably will have something good here.
2007-03-27 10:22:09 · answer #2 · answered by toomuchtimeoff 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My main question would be "is happiness reflecting something else, or is it being reflected? By what or where?" Make this a little clearer perhaps. Otherwise very good.
2007-03-27 15:35:07 · answer #3 · answered by mfg 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋