Can someone be too honest?

Question

All my life I have been told to always be honest and to never lie. So when my sister came to me and asked me to tell her what I thought of her, I told her the truth.

After I finished, she had tears in her eyes, but she thanked me for being candid with her, so I thought everything was alright.

But the next day, my mother came up to me and told me that my sister had spent the entire night crying, and she ordered me to go and apologize for whatever I had done. I was confused. I knew I had been what could be construed as hurtful, but I thought I had been constructive, and that she was glad I had been frank with her.

At any rate, I told my mother that I would not say sorry for telling the truth, and my mother became angry. She told me that ‘being honest with malicious intent at heart is wrong.’ But I had not had ‘malicious intent’ as she said I did. My sister had asked me a honest question and I gave her a honest answer. I once heard that ‘No one can improve themselves if they are never told there is something they need to improve.’

But, still, my mother thinks I was wrong to be so honest. She tells me I should have at least ‘sugarcoated’ my answer. I do not know how to ‘sugarcoat’. I believe it to be a waste of breath.

Am I wrong to think this way?

Answer 1

First, the idea that all lies are wrong is itself wrong. There are times (such as things that are nobody's legitimate business, or when the unvarnished truth would be hurtful) when honesty might be wrong, or at least unwise.

You are wrong to think that sugarcoating is wrong.

Being hurtful is wrong.

You don't tell us what sorts of things you said, or whether they really were cruel or were constructive.

Did you put things more strongly than necessary? Did you only mention things that she can change?

You can legitimately apologize for having hurt her, and tell her that it wasn't your intention to be hurtful.

Sugarcoating, far from being wrong is an essential skill for all human beings.

Hurting people doesn't usually help them (though the people who say hurtful things claim that's what they were trying to do).

The importance of honesty have to do with not ripping people off, not trying to avoid responsibility for your actions, and things like that.

That's not what was going on here.

As I say, I can't tell much without knowing the kinds of things you said.

But you should patch things up with your sister as well as possible.

Edit after read the other answers: I disagree with those who said you shouldn't have said anything; she did ask you, and asked you to be honest.

Also, there is an important distinction to be made in whether a given criticism is merely your preference or not. You could say "I find you to sometimes ...." or "The way you often ... is not my style." and such.

Also, notice how everyone (wrongly) assumes that all truths are hurtful. Does she have no redeeming qualities? Did you mention any of them -- even ways that, if you were honest with yourself -- that are better than how you are?

These kinds of points can be made part of your apology -- some of the stuff you left out, in your keeness to only mention bad stuff.

Also notice the bragging by the "truthful" answer above mine -- who everyone considers an SOB. Do you want everyone you know in your life to consider you mean, cruel, hurtful, and to fear you?

If you hammer people who ask for the truth, they'll only ask once, and most will regret having anything to do with you.

I also meant to ask, how do you react when people say mean things to you? Do you appreciate their honesty?

Answer 2

TACT. That's what's missing from your picture.

Tact is what keeps us from destroying others with "truths" that don't need to be told.

Since none of us are perfect people, I don't think any of us could bear it if someone told us exactly what they thought of us-- warts and all.

I'll bet your sister (and your mom, too) have some "truths" about you that would have you feeling stripped naked and reduced to tears. Why don't you make things even and go to your sister and ask HER what SHE thinks of YOU?

I think your contention that there was no malicious intention in what you did is self-serving, at best. If you knew the things you were going to say to your sister were hurtful, and you said them anyway, that qualifies as malicious.

My mom taught me to pass the things I say through this filter of three questions before I open my mouth to say a single word.

Is it factually true? (opinion is not fact; learn to recognize the difference)

Is it necessary to say it? (And no, it isn't necessary to say something just because someone asks.)

Is it kind?

If it doesn't pass that filter, then you don't say it.

Answer 3

sometimes you have to just watch what u say. That was one of those trick questions people ask that just gets u in trouble in the long run. Like if a person ask "do I look fat in this outfit". What u do is next time change the subject fast.

Answer 4

Maybe when you were honest to your sister, the way you may have said it could have been hurtful to her. Explain to your mother and sister that you weren't ment to be hurtful, and that she took it the wrong way. Hopefully things will get better.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Yes I take a look at my nice to be sincere at all times. The handiest manner you are making matters bigger is by means of telling the reality wait I informed you I consistently you should be sincere? Im mendacity proper now lol... jk But sure I you should be sincere at all times Poll: YFFL=Yankees Fan For Life

Answer 6

im the same way, if someone asks something im just gonna be blunt and to the point with the answer. what is the point of trying to slide around the question just to be nice..."SOMETIMES THE TRUTH HURTS" its a fact of life, people need to deal with the truth no matter how mean or cold it sounds. this same situation is how i gained my reputation as a "cold-heartless B@st@rd" i just lay it all on the table, good, bad or otherwise. i dont try to protect someone's feelings.

Answer 7

no you are not wrong and if your sister wanted you to suger coat it then she should not have asked people have a way of wanting the truth but cant handle it and that is all that was so she thought you were going to say something she wanted to hear and you said different so no you are not wrong she asked you not the other way around

Answer 8

It's not the being too honest that's the trouble. Usually, it's the way that it's presented.

Answer 9

Don't apologize, truth is healing. The problem is your sister is lying to herself .

Answer 10

there are certain things at certain times that are best left unsaid, because if you are too brutally honest, you may find yourself with few friends.