Moral Dilemma! Intruding nephew! Help?

Question

Moral dilemma!!! Intruding nephew. What should I do?
I just got married on Feb 17 to my fiance of 4 years. Right before this his 21 yearold nephew came out of nowhere and asked my husband to help him get a job. My husband hired him. He would rarely make it to work on time or show up at all. He than asked to move into our house after the wedding so he could get himselg in a position to save money and make it to work. That was the plan. He goes out and parties all the time and still is rarely making it to work. My husband is in a very high position in his company and this is making him look bad. I told my husband that the situation is not working and the kid needs to leave. He tells me I can leave. He comes in at all hours whenever he feels like it. He hasnt given me any money for bills or food and he is a complete slob and wont clean up after himself much less offer to do any daily chores. I also believe he is doing drugs. What should I do? I cant help but think that my brand new marraige is coming to a quick end!

Answer 1

If I was you i would kick him out. He has parents of his own doesn't he. Let him mooch off of them not you. You just got married. You should be having the time of your life right now. Good luck with your marriage!

Answer 2

Your husband said you could leave????

Leave. He is apparently oblivious to what the living arrangement is doing to your marriage. It took 4 years to get to the alter; I don't think your husband is truly ready to give up on what the two of you have. If you step away from the situation, maybe you can find some neutral ground to talk with your husband about it and what the two of you are willing to do about it. Be prepared for the discussion; compose a rational and honest assessment of the nephew’s behavior. Do not be petty (he leaves towels on the floor.) If this boy is truly staying with you until he gets on his feet, explain to your husband that you two shouldn’t be his crutches but rather is physical therapists. Outline a plan that must be followed if the nephew is to stay. Include a time to wake, work, limit nights out and include a curfew. He must also pay room and board and help with household chores. If you are in the financial position, you don’t actually have to keep the payments. You can set up an account that you can use to help with furnishing a place of his own when the time comes. One very important thing to remember, ultimatums rarely work, so be prepared to follow through on whatever you say you will do.

Why didn't he go to his parents? Does he have older siblings? Why isn't he with them? Could there be larger family issues here. Is yours the last place before the nephew is lost completely? You might need help from other family members.

If you truly believe drugs are involved, you might also consider talking to someone with a little experience in this area for advice.

Answer 3

Woah. Ok the nephew is hired but not doing the work, lives with you both and doesn't contribute in the home, but who is it that "tells me I can leave", the husband or the nephew?

If the nephew - you and your husband need to agree on how to handle him; I'd suggest clear and written agreement on what he must contribute; all sign it or nephew leaves NOW. Nephew fails to live up to agreement, locks are changed and his stuff is put on the street. Your husband should be the one to talk to nephew in my opinion. Re: the job: that is a matter for his boss, and should be kept out of the house. And if he doesn't work like anyone else should - he should be fired. Enabling him to do this with his life is NOT helping your nephew, and can do lasting harm.

Talk to your husband - I hope you can work it out - what a shame that in the challenge to create your home and new life together you have this child-man the nephew in the mix.

But if your HUSBAND said you could leave - your marriage is already over. Talk to a lawyer and good luck. Otherwise - you are just a slave.

Answer 4

First I think your husband owes you an apology for telling you that you can leave simply because you were being open and honest about not wanting this mooching disrespectful nephew to live in your home anymore.

Having said that clearly the next step you need to take is to approach the situation by assertively stating if he does not stick to the orginial plan of "staying only till he get's his life together" that there will be consequences for his actions, chores, curfews, etc. because let's face it if at 21 he's still acting like a child than he needs to be treated as such until he learns to act like a responsible adult.

If these remedies don't work and your husband is still not willing to give him the boot, then perhaps you need to pack a bag and tell him that you are going to stay with a friend until he takes care of the situation. Believe me if he loves you he'll give the nephew his walking papers.

Answer 5

I suspect thqt your 21 year old nephew did not come out of no where. There has to be a connection that yoiu probably are not aware of. If your husband is already saying you can leave, I owuld agree with all the others that say it is over. You probably owe it to yourself to talk to your husband and findout what the real connection is and then decide whether you are going to put up with this nonsense. Based on only the information you have given so far, I would give your marriage pretty poor Vegas odds on surviving.

Answer 6

Did I understand correctly and your husband told you that he rather you to leave than his nephew? if that is the case then you should just leave the two of them and move on with your life. I know you just got married and you probably love him (that is why you married him) but at this point you should be the most important person in his life, if you are not then there is something really wrong. Maybe there is some shady business going on that you are not aware of. It seem so weird to me that I guy that just got married, would invite another family member to live with him. Talk to your husband and give him an ultimatum, it is the slob or you and if he pick the slob, then you know you need to move on with your life.

Answer 7

Sit down and talk with your husband first about how you feel and if he agrees with you than you two need to sit down and talk with your nephew. You might want to set some ground rule and put in writing (which you should have done in the first place) tell the nephew that if he doesn't shape up then he'll be out on the streets. You must ask your self is the with losing your marriage over

Answer 8

It appears that your husband is putting his family before you.

While it is commendable that he wants to help his nephew - he married you and you should come first. It sounds like you come 2nd in his life.

To be quite honest it sounds like this marriage was not meant to be and it is good that you found out early on.

Your husband sounds like a real jerk. Get out of the marriage any way that you can before things get worse. You'll find someone better.

Answer 9

Tough question. On one hand, its nice to see someone who actualy values family anymore.

But on the other hand, if the kid is that much of a waste(assuming you aren't using personal bias to make him sound worse than he is) you got to stop giving him the avenue to act that way.
And no, you don't leave. HE leave's, and takes his nephew with him. Tell your husband the kid has to leave, if your husband repeats his last answer, have the cops tell him and his nephew to leave. And they will, trust me.

Answer 10

If your husband chooses his drug using work avoiding freeloading slob of a nephew over you.... yes your marriage is over. Cut your losses and bail... at this point you might be able to get an annulment even.

Answer 11

I think you have come to the correct conclusion that your marriage is over before it really begins. It sounds to me like your husband made the decisions for you long before you got married.

Think about Dear Abby's question - are you better of with, or without him? If you can answer that question for yourself, you will know what action to take.