Against the advice of friends, family and myself, my sister married a "former homosexual". He said he was saved and transformed by an ex-gay ministry. None of us really bought it but she was very much in love with him and compared to former boyfriends, who were abusive he seemed much more sensitive and giving, despite being just a tad effeminate.
Two years into the marriage, the sex diminishes. I keep quiet when she complains to me. Then this year, he cheated on her with a man. He said it was a "slip up" and has gone back into the ex-gay programme to deal with it. I am trying my best not to tell my sister, "I told you so." because she is really devastated. I also do not want to offend her religious belief but she wants to take him back and I CANNOT watch her get hurt AGAIN! She is my baby sister and now children are involved!
I know these programmes do not change people straight. Where can I get some well researched information on this from an expert she would respect?
2007-03-27 06:48:09 · 24 answers · asked by pixie_pagan 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Oh dear! I feel for you! You know, I do not blame you and your family for trying to stop your sister from marrying a so called ex-gay. I asked a question in here about whether or not the women would do such a thing and MOST OF THEM, even the Christian ones do not think it is a good idea. Now from your sister's problem I can SEE it is a really BAD idea to get involved with an ex-gay. Very risky! Why? Because there is no such thing as an ex-gay!
I think these ex-gay ministries need to be taken to task. They are hurting families and children! And people actually PAY them loads of money to try and turn them straight.
When I asked this question, I was given some information you might find helpful. This quote is directly from the American Psychological Association's website.
"Human beings can not choose to be either gay or straight. Sexual orientation emerges for most people in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience. Although we can choose whether to act on our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed."
In addition the APA also stated that: "Some therapists who undertake so-called conversion therapy report that they have been able to change their clients' sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. Close scrutiny of these reports however show several factors that cast doubt on their claims. For example, many of the claims come from organizations with an ideological perspective which condemns homosexuality. Furthermore, their claims are poorly documented. For example, treatment outcome is not followed and reported overtime as would be the standard to test the validity of any mental health intervention. The American Psychological Association is concerned about such therapies and their potential harm to patients. In 1997, the Association's Council of Representatives passed a resolution reaffirming psychology's opposition to homophobia in treatment and spelling out a client's right to unbiased treatment and self-determination. Any person who enters into therapy to deal with issues of sexual orientation has a right to expect that such therapy would take place in a professionally neutral environment absent of any social bias."
To that end, In 1998, at its December 11-12 meeting, the American Psychiatric Association Board of Trustees unanimously endorsed a position statement opposing reparative therapy. According to the 1998 position statement:
1) "The potential risks of 'reparative therapy' are great, including depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient."
2) "Many patients who have undergone 'reparative therapy' relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely, unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction."
3) "The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian is not presented, nor are alternative approaches to dealing with the effects of societal stigmatization discussed."
4) "Therefore, the American Psychiatric Association opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as 'reparative' or 'conversion' therapy which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon a prior assumption that the patient should change his/her homosexual orientation. The American Psychiatric Association recognizes that in the course of ongoing psychiatric treatment, there may be appropriate clinical indications for attempting to change sexual behaviors."
You can find more information on the American Psychology Association Website at www.apa.org.
This is the most objective source as it has the findings of medical professionals and is not gay political per say. Your sister may see it as more objective. Just break it to her gently and then leave it up to her to decide.
2007-03-27 07:34:24 · answer #1 · answered by jessicabjoseph 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a real tough one. In the end, you will have to find a way to convince her that he is using her to try and change his gay feelings.
Praying the Gay away works just as well as praying for peace. Christians have been praying for peace since the Romans were persicuting them, and as we all know it hasn't happened yet.
Unfortunately all you can really do is let your sister know that you will be there when he 'slips up' again. Tell her to look for signs like working late, business trips, close Christian friends and late bible study sessions. If these become prevalent, she should follow him, and invariably will end up in a truck stop somewhere.
It is a shame that people are frightened into changing something they are born with by people who claim to have the truth about the afterlife.
Maybe you should have a talk with the husband, and ask him why he feels he can conquer his gay feelings this time? Explain that he is doing nothing but tearing someone apart by listening to the BS he has been exposed to. This needs to happen before the gave kids, otherwise it will be 10 times worse.
2007-03-27 07:03:58 · answer #2 · answered by ɹɐǝɟsuɐs Blessed Cheese Maker 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Gay men marry ALL THE TIME because they don't want to be gay because of homophobes and idiots in this world. They are born that way and cannot change. There is no reason they must change either. It is a sad, sad problem in this world that people can't be who they are!
I have close personal knowledge of this problem. She MUST seek help! Her husband will not change, as much as he might want to! This is a tragedy for everyone, but she cannot stay in a marriage without love and respect.
This group will save her life and sanity. It's free:
http://www.gayhusbands.com/
There is a chat group at different times and the moderator, Bonnie Kaye, a psychologist who went through it herself, will give her free, solid information on what to do.
You're a good sister for wanting to help her - stay with her and support her. It's not the end of her life to leave this guy, but she MUST do it! Best of luck!
2007-03-27 06:57:06 · answer #3 · answered by Mama Gretch 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
That poor woman. Her husband can't change who he is.
"The American Psychological Association says there are a number of theories about the origins of a person's sexual orientation, but that most scientists agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors. The APA says homosexuality is not a choice and that in most people, sexual orientation is shaped at an early age."
According to this article, the American Psychologists Association says that homosexuality is not a choice!
So, do some research into what they say.
I'm sorry about your sister. Trying to change a gay man into a straight man is exactly like trying to change a straight man into a gay man.
Wouldn't that be funny? A gay camp slogan:
We will help you make the choice of being Gay. Give us six weeks!
2007-03-27 06:57:35 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Two words: Divorse lawyer!
Seriously, this happened to my aunt (though her husband just never told her he was gay and each time he was caught, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time). She should leave him, both of them will be happier. This family situation will only hurt the kids. Once he's able to live his life and not pretend, he'll be happier and she'll be happier.
They can still be friends. He can still see the children (might even get custody). She needs out! As I said, I've seen this before in my own family. Twice, actually.
2007-03-27 07:00:12 · answer #5 · answered by sister steph 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is just another sad example of what happens when society tries to force somebody to be something that he's not. He suffers, and those around him suffer, and it's hard to even know who to blame. I'm sure you're angry with him, and rightly so; but he's clearly struggling with a lot of internalized bigotry himself.
Your sister needs to get out of the relationship. It's never going to work. You can't "save" people from a biological predisposition. Unfortunately, if she's a part of this cult mentality, it's going to be extremely difficult to convince her. She'll likely only listen to people who speak to her from that mindset. The best you can do as a concerned sister is to research the topic yourself, find some good books written by legitimate psychologists, share them with her without browbeating her, and hope she'll eventually listen to reason.
2007-03-27 06:59:34 · answer #6 · answered by jonjon418 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'd work up a lawsuit against the "ex-gay" ministry... it's time to break up the relationship too... let him live a life as his real self and her as her own and educate her about things, have compassion for her etc.
It might help to get involved with the attempts to expose these ex-gay ministries as the frauds they are, which only serve to feed self-hatred (in the LGBT community) and hatred/bigotry by those who promote that "ex-gay" excrement as "truth".
A self-loathing gay person sometimes winds up on "self-destruct" and might engage in behaviors acting out against the bigotry and anger that sunk them this hip-deep in self-loathing to begin with... so she's better off separating from him and getting an education.
Here's a lesson to be learned by all you "religious leaders" out there who tut-tut against what you see as acting out by the LGBT community and the behaviors you tsk tsk against... THIS is the result, psychologically of the garbage you preach and uphold... "hate the sin, love the sinner".... and other loathsome garbage. Shame on you all.
_()_
2007-03-27 06:58:28 · answer #7 · answered by vinslave 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
If her religious beliefs led her to believe that being gay is a moral choice, then no amount of reputable information on the subject will change her mind. It will take her husband finally coming to grips with who he is and confiding in her.
2007-03-27 06:59:45 · answer #8 · answered by lunatic 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
First of all I must stress that you cannot change her mind. Obviously this is not Love,but low self esteem. A woman who is emotionally healthy would not put herself in this situation. I know this because my best friend did the same thing but her husband did even worse than your brother in-law,he molested her 14 year old boy. She is still with him and that was 7 years ago.Her sister and I did everything in our power to get her to leave him but she wouldn't. I do believe that you can be changed by God if you really want to but why? He would be better off to remain single or be gay than hurt your whole family. I really feel for you but all you can do is maybe distance yourself from the situation but really be there for her when she needs it. Try not to judge her because you really can't know what it is like to be her and by all means encourage her to get counseling. Hopefully in time she will grow tired of the pain she is in and leave him.You might be able to get her some research but it would take more than that to get her to leave.Good luck and hang in there.
2007-03-27 06:59:06 · answer #9 · answered by Lori O 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
first of all there is no such thing as a "former homosexual" people are born the way they are and if he is gay so be it, so the best advice is, she needs to let him go, be there person he was born to be and she needs to set her sights on a straight man and let the gay ones be.
by the way gay people don't need to be saved they are who they are leave them alone
kids are resilient and will be fine, but will still need there dad in there life
2007-03-27 06:55:02 · answer #10 · answered by Moonmist 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋