How to respond to my mother's request for communication when i feel that i can't trust her.?

Question

Growing up i found that my single Mother 'leaned' on me for support. I was her confidant when i was 4 or 5 years old until my teenage years and perhaps longer but it varied as I left the ‘home’. I was told and saw a lot of stuff i couldn't understand as a child but thought I could, wanting to be an adult. My mom’s live-in boyfriend abused both my sister and me, I (12 yrs) told my Mother (my sister –7 yrs -did not) she stayed with this guy and excluded me from family ‘stuff’. Years later we found out that this guy also abused my sister, for years. Although my Mother is no longer with this man, i feel she has consistently put men and her vices before my sister and my needs were met. I love my Mother but i feel that she doesn't really love me. Yet she is trying to communicate with me/spend time together. I feel that I can’t forgive her. I feel overwhelmed with guilt of not wanting to communicate. Please, if you can shed some light on this for me. Thank you.

Answer 1

One day I was watching the Oprah show when this author was on talking about a book that he wrote, he talked about how his mother, abuser, pretty much kept him in the basement and tortured him, well anyway it was horrific what this child went through.

My moment of clarity came when he said that he had finally started making peace with himself when he realized that even though she had given birth to him he was not obligated to love her.

I was molested by my mothers brother-in-law from the age of 7-12, she was told by me the first time he molested me and then did not protect me, besides that she was physically abusive mentally abusive and emotionally abusive to me my whole life, yet I felt guilty for not loving her the way I should.

Sweety the guilt isn't yours to bear and you are not in any way obligated to love her she just gave birth to you she didn't mother you in anyway if she allowed this man to abuse you girls.

Seek some counseling it helps and they will help you learn to live with what this man did. Don't every let anyone tell you to forget about it, you won't, but you don't have to let what he did determine your life. Good Luck

Answer 2

She may be feeling bad for how she's treated you, or she may be trying to get close to use you again. However, since it's your mother, I'd suggest that you give her the benefit of the doubt. Communicate with her, but not about anything important. Keep conversation or emails or whatever to topics that feel safe, until you feel ready to talk to her about more important things. Talk about what you're doing, or something you read, and that's it. That way you're protecting yourself and she's satisfied that you're still in touch.

Answer 3

Honey, you need to let go of this and move forward with your life.

I've been there so I know what you are going through. I know how hard it is for you to forgive your mother for allowing situations to happen and turn her back as if it wasn't happening. Do you think she knew and didn't want to acknowledge the situation out of fear that she would lose this man? Nine times out of ten, she probably knew and didn't want to accept the truth.

Do you have hate inside for her or has it turned to sympathy? The best thing for you to do, is to let your mom know exactly how you feel. Do not worry that the words you say may hurt her because the only way for you to move on and stop feeling the way you do is to release the pain that you have inside. Then you can really begin to heal yourself because as you know, children that were abused have a tendency to have odd behavior that will affect relationships and the raising of your own children.

Answer 4

No one can tell you what's best for you, or how to go about it.

Have you gotten help in coping with your past? If not, please do so. This isn't the kind of thing people can sort out for themselves.

Your relationship with your mother would be one of the things to talk about.

Also, it isn't clear from what you wrote where your mother is, exactly.

Is she trying to pretend nothing happened?

Or is she trying to make amends?

Or what?

That would have a lot to do with what you should do next.

Answer 5

i wonder if your mom was on drugs and is now clean? id say what she did was unforgettable but forgivable if she apologizes about each specific instance you have built up over the years. you must sit down and talk to her and tell her what you just told us, have someone else there a councilor if you think you need it. you wont be able to have a caring and healthy relationship with her if you don't get this out in the open and let her know what your feeling. if she doesn't feel any remorse and cant verbalize her remorse to you i don't think you should be speaking with her. you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. do not feel guilt for not talking to her

Answer 6

First and foremost you need to tell your mother exactly how you feel, you need to get all that dirty laundry aired out! Don't leave anything behind either. Once you get it all out, your going to feel this amazing weight being lifted off your shoulders. Be honest with your mother, tell you your not sure you can forgive her for the things that happened in your childhood.

There are things that together you and she must work through, but it has to be a joint effort. If you feel that she is selfish tell her so. Sooner or later though the dam is going to break...

Answer 7

Heyy come on girl she's your mother!
She might have gone through a lot with men but maybe she has realized that her family is wayyy better off then this man.. or any other men.
Don't put her down, and don't ignore her. Even if she has gone through it all... You cannot blame her for something that happened years ago.. Expecailly your MOTHER. She gave birth to you so she obviously has to love you somehow.
Go for lunch with her sometime or something.
It may be hard but she loves you.

Answer 8

I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel about what she did when you were growing up and how detrimental that was for you. She needs to know that she can't just pull her head out now and decide she wants to be Mother-of-the-year....... I believe in forgiveness but not in selfish people who have done wrong their whole lives and then all of a sudden decide they should be given a pass since they want to become involved now.

Obviously a counselor would be ideal in helping your Mom to understand your point of view....and it especially helpful to children when standing up to their parents because even when we are grown, Mom can be very intimidating.

Answer 9

People make poor decisions. Have you always made correct decisions?
People also have changes of heart. How can your mother ever try to make things better if you shut off the communication?
No matter what you think of her, she will always be your mother. Are we not to repect our mother and father -- unconditionally? There are no strings attached. Honoring may not mean you bend to her ways, especially if they are wrong. On the other hand, keeping the door open to communication is quite honorable, and reflects hightly on your character. Perhaps reconciliation is at hand -- maybe its not. Regardless, you should always err on the side of caution and talk to her.
Perhaps by living correctly, you could help your mother see what honesty, integrity, and true love is all about. And, lest we forget, true love is all about giving, and not about what I get.
I wish you the best.

Answer 10

share as much info as you feel you should share, I would not trust her either unless she has changed and accepted responsibility for her own actions, it's not your fault for the way she treated you