When does the sickening feeling go away?

Question

Concerning the loss of someone you love?
And memories and thoughts of what you saw when the person was discovered?
I want to know your stories and about how long it takes and what you did that helped you when you were traumatized by loss.
I try to keep myself busy and taking fairly good care of myself, and push the thoughts out of my head and focus or think on something else, but it's just so hard not to...

Answer 1

My childhood best friend died about 7 years ago and I still cry sometimes, especially when I run into his family. I was pretty traumatized for about 2-3 years after. He actually was missing for 2 weeks after a rafting accident before they found his body, so I had those 2 weeks of agonizing about him.

I was helped by a dream, so I guess that's not very helpful to you. In the dream, my friend appeared to me and put his arm around me and told me everything was ok. That really gave me a peace.

I think we are sad forever, but it gets less painful only with time.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for your loss. My first piece of advice is not to compare yourself to others. My one minor issue is that you are asking how long it takes as though you had to follow some pre-set time table. You do not. Grieving is intensely personal and don't you DARE let anyone tell you when you need to "get over it already". People mean well but it's highly insensitive to say.

It sounds like you have a good handle on things. Your pain WILL ease, I promise, but it will never go away completely. Don't expect it to and don't think there's something wrong with you because it doesn't. Just know you will go on because your loved one would want you to and because well... LIFE goes on.

I'd be remiss if I didnt' suggest you read John 5:28,29 and Revelation 21:3,4 for some encouragement.

All the very best to you.

Answer 3

The thoughts never go away. The sickening feeling should lessen over time. Just reading your question brought back my own memories of people I have lost.

Still, your life goes on. You need to find a balance. Focusing on other things is good but it sounds as if you have some unresolved issues with the loss. Pushing issues away means they will keep coming back. Perhaps you could talk a friend (or counselor if you don't feel you could talk openly to any of your friends). Sometimes we blame ourselves for things that we had no control and this can be destructive.

Answer 4

This is different for all of us, but it depends largely on what kind of personality you have, and your religious upbringing.

I have lost several close family members, some by surprise, some by illness. No matter how much you think you are prepared, you are not prepared.

I just recently (about a month ago) lost a friend who was closer to me than most of my sisters. We were total opposites, I am a guy, she was a lady. I am so white I don't even tan in the sun, she is black (very, very dark). But we are both Christians, and she knew her time was short. She had cancer.

Anyway, my wife and I stayed close with her throughout. We met and talked and laughed and cried. Her last trip outside was to our house for a party. Her last meal was cooked by my wife.

And then, she got weak, and wanted to sleep. She perked up on Tuesday, and said to come on over and we would play cards or something on Saturday. But she died on Thursday, less than two weeks from her 60th birthday.

I feel tears trying to come up right now. But I also have my memories of all the goofiness we shared. Sometimes I want to cry but laugh, sometimes the opposite.

At any rate, I gave my grief to God. I asked to be comforted, and God came right on through. I know I will have no new memories made with my dear friend, but that makes the ones I have all the more precious. I thank God for those memories.

Now, as for you, grieving is a process, and if you don't let it happen, it sticks in your mind and eventually starts to distract you from your life. Not good.

If you feel like talking, find someone to talk with. There are even on-line grief boards you can share on with others who are in similar situations. Sometimes it is easier to share with a stranger than it is with your friends and relatives. Remember too, that especially within a family, EVERYBODY is grieving, and they are all probably out of sorts. That makes it hard to find proper support.

Try to listen to your friends and family if they want to talk. Event if you don't really want to listen, try. You will be offering a service of love, and it may come back to you.

And, if you already have a relationship with God, ask Him for comfort. If you do not have God in your life, maybe now is a good time to begin one. Find a nice bible-based congregation and visit. Speak with a minister about your current situation, and see if they have any ministries that might help you. See if there are any ministries where you can work helping others. Sometimes being useful helps you overcome your own grief.

Answer 5

I know it is difficult. When my father died two years ago it was one of the worst moments of my life and it took me one year to more or less accept the fact. It was especially difficult when I phoned my mother and sometimes I wanted to ask to talk to my father, but then realizing that he was not there anymore.
I am sorry for your loss, when you truly love someone it is so hard to accept. I was also very angry with God and with science as well. I thought one of the two could save my father, but they did not. I had this horrible anger accompanying me everywhere. People around me could not stand me anymore, I was always shouting at them. I could not believe that he was no more and I became angry with the people I loved most. Until I realized that if I did not accept it I would loose everybody around me. I changed, in a way time cures all, even though sometimes it is still difficult.
I wish you all the best and I am with you.

Answer 6

> When does the sickening feeling go away?
It never goes away completely. After a couple of years, you'll be able to do other things, without thoughts of the missing loved one, for long periods. But, every now and then, you'll see maybe something in a store and then the thought will occur to you "he would have liked that, I wish I could show him."

17 years here and at times I still miss my brother.

Answer 7

Grief is different for everyone and should be honored rather than pushed away.

I grieved for a very short time over many things because I thought I was supposed to push through the pain based on our culture. What I found out was that I had only put my grief away for many years. When it came out it was very ugly and very painful and took a long, long time to get through and heal from. I spent over a year crying for no apparent reason and eventually just allowed the tears to come whenever they showed up.

Honor yourself and your process and know that with time and patience it will change.

Answer 8

To quote dojoman, "It takes as long as it takes." Your time is different from my time, is different from everyone else's time. Let no one make you feel guilty if they say, "Don't you think it's time you got over this?"

Whoever you lost and however they were lost, I am sorry for your pain. I don't know what you saw. I only know what I saw when I nursed my beloved Daddy through stomach cancer and held him in my arms as he died. I know how I cried until my tear ducts cracked and bled; how I was haunted by thoughts of Daddy eating a tiny nibble of a Kit Kat bar, the last thing he was ever able to swallow; how his pain was so bad that I sat by his bed counting the minutes until I could give him his next shot, and thinking about making it a lethal dose. I grieved so long and hard that my family turned away from me and I was alone. My husband was disgusted with me. Everyone thought I should "get over it by now."

I dreamed of Dad every night, as he was in those last terrible days, sick, scared, in pain, and dying. But gradually those dreams started to change, and I was able to heal him and make him whole again. One day in the shower, where I usually did most of my crying, I thought of something funny that had happened between Daddy and me years before, and I smiled. And then I knew I was finally healing, and it continued, and now I have only the good memories of my sweet, loving, caring father. There's no longer any room for the horrible images of his illness, because that was 3 years out of 73 total - 70 good years to outweigh the 3 bad ones.

There have been other losses, none so painful as this one, yet horribly painful in different ways. Each time it has been through my dreams that the healing starts. Thank God for them! I don't know if you dream, but you will heal - in your own way, in your own time. My heart goes out to you.

Answer 9

I don't know how long it takes, because I'm still right there with you. But, I know some days are better than others and that each day you are going to be a little closer to being alright.

I think the real issue lies in figuring out how to go about your life without that person. I almost feel like I have to put my life on hold so that my brother won't miss anything important. I have to constantly remind myself that he would want me to be happy and that he wants me to have a good life even without him here.

In times like this, we just need to lean on God and let Him get us through. Remember that you don't have to feel alright, and you don't have to pretend to. Just do whatever it takes to get you through the day.

I find a lot of solace I didn't expect to in spending time with others who loved my brother. We share stories and laugh and cry and it's keeping his memory alive in a happier way. I much prefer to remember the good times.

Answer 10

Nobody can tell you how long it will take. When your mind id finished processing the tragedy, you will feel better, but you must allow yourself to go through the grieving process. You must do what comes natural to YOU. Everyone is different. If you need to cry - cry. If you need to yell - yell. If you need to get angry - get angry. Nobody can tell you how to grieve.

Dont try to push thoughts out of your mind. The thoughts are REAL and you must process them in your own way.

Surround yourself with friends and those that are encouraging. Go out and be with others. Get some exercise and do things that burn off your stress. You will make it. Many before you have made it - you will too.