As a Christian, I was taught to forgive & forget?

Question

Just exactly how do you do that....? Especially when this has been festering for years? I really want to forgive him, but then
I remember what he did....

P.S. and I have, more times than I could tell you, asked God for help with this....

Answer 1

I hate when people say, "forgive and forget." Of course, you aren't capable of situation-specific amnesia. Even if you wanted to desperately, you can't make yourself forget. And if you think you haven't forgiven as long as you can still remember, that's torturous!

I think the idea is that you don't dwell on the wrong done to you. Forgiveness is not saying that what the person did was okay, but it is releasing the person from the debt of making it up to you. It is accepting that in all likelihood, they _cannot_ make it up to you. They can't undo it.

Forgiveness is not having unrealistic expectations of the other person, but you can't have unrealistic expectations of you, either. Forgiveness is a process. It's not an event. It's normal to have to recommit to forgiveness - especially if something was traumatic for you. Each time something triggers a memory, you have to chose to release the debt.

Just as forgiveness cost Jesus His life, forgiveness costs us something, too. Damage has been done. Forgiveness means acknowledging that the other person can't undo it or make it up, but it also means that we have to deal with the damage and ask God to help us heal what is broken.

The trick is not to be resentful of the work you have to do.

You say this has been festering for years. I have a situation with a parent who mistreated me for years, never forgave me for anything, but demanded that I forgive her and judged me for not forgiving her "good enough." She admitted to encouraging my father to take his anger out on me when he got mad at her. No sooner had she admitted this, than she wanted me to forgive her and comfort her because she felt bad. I don't think that's really repentance. But I do think I have to forgive her. And believe me, I have to forgive her often, because she constantly reminds me that I haven't forgiven her to her satisfaction - which sort of rips the scab off, and I have to start the healing all over again. One day I hope, with God's help, to get to the point where it doesn't hurt that she holds her expectations over me and it won't continue to hurt.

One of the things that has helped me to understand forgiveness better and is helping me to move past this is "Boundaries Face to Face" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They talk about trust and forgiveness not being the same thing and how sometimes you can forgive without restoring trust, because the person still isn't trustworthy. That was a revelation to me. Don't let someone bully you into thinking that if you don't trust them, you haven't forgiven them.

Answer 2

If you feel this way, then you truly havent forgiven.

Remembert that forgiveness is not a gift that you give to him or let him off the hook. True forgiveness is saying that you release yourself from the the offense that was done to you. True forgiveness is not about the offender. To hang on to it says that you are continuing to allow this person to have some level of control over you.

Forgiveness NEVER says that what was done is OK. Forgiveness has always been an easy thing for me because I refuse to be held mentally captive by the offense of someone else.

Forgiveness is not a single act that happens in an instant. It may be a process for you. search your heart and discover why you have not released the pain. The pain is not yours. It wasnt your fault, and you only harm yourself by hanging on to it.

As far as forgetting - It aint gonna happen. This is not even Biblical. God forgives our mistakes and puts them away as far as the east is from the west. Remember God does this, not man.

Answer 3

Forgive, yes you can. Forget, that's another story. You may never forget. That's how we learn not to do something wrong twice. There are many things I'd like to forget, but I can't. There are a lot of things I'd like to remember. Id like to remember what the preacher was preaching about when I got saved, but I can't. I just remember getting saved. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I thought it'd burst.
Try to remember what Jesus said (I'm not quoting): If you can't forgive your brother, how can God forgive you? It's up to God whether the guy gets the ultimate forgiveness, not you. Leave him in God's hands and remember, too, that the bible also tells us (not quoting again) to get along with everyone if at all possible. You can be civil and polite, can't you? God will deal with that guy.

Answer 4

I wish I knew what he did, but I can say this, I have been in the same position as you and it helps me to just change the idea in my head to something more pleasant and then let time do the rest. Maybe this will help if the AWSOME Jesus was able to forgive the ones who crucified him ( " forgive them father for they know not what they do " ) then you can consider yourself in the highest company by forgiving him. I wish you the very best luck, you sound like a fine person, most people don't even make an attept to forgive.

Answer 5

Remember that Jesus washed your sins away & threw them into the sea of forgetfullness.

So, you need to forgive like Jesus forgave you. It is called walking in forgiveness. Also, he (whoever hurt you) may have cursed you. That is as simple as wishing from ones heart verbally speak hurt to someone else.

If this is the case, then you need to imagine a boomerang heading your way (the curse whether spoken yesterday or at the moment) dipped in the love of God, returned to sender. The hurt leaves automatically. This is obeying Jesus & blessing those who curse you.

Sometimes wounds are still there covered up or forgotten until a similar conversation or occasion, place or smell, etc. comes up, then it is a knife cutting an old wound & feels worse than ever. So, then when the wound is felt, you need to resist satan, look to Gods blessed assurance, Realize that what God knows about you is what is important, give the hurt to God, this may take a while or the wound may be healed instantaneous. Just give it to Gods blessed assurance until you feel healed of it.

The trick is to submit to God, Gods Word/Promises & Gods love. Jesus said that if we don't forgive others, then he turns us over to tormenting spirits until we do. So, I know this is true. To keep Christ forgiveness, we need to forgive others like Christ forgave us.

Also written is to forget what is behind us and press on for the Goal in Christ. The incident happened. But remembering what he did... isn't forgeting what is behind. Do not be afraid that person won't get what he deserves. God is righteous and also our avenger. If someone raped someone... It needs to come out. Because this is a crime. We need to forgive the criminal, but still need to bring this person before the courts. And go through the process. Trust God for the right outcome in the courts. If one doesn't follow through, this rapist will rape/hurt someone else. After you have done your part, then forget it, give it to God. Don't think on what he did to you...(the act). Forgive & think of God saving so&so, how what the devil meant for destruction, God will turn for good.

Answer 6

Darlin, Christ surely said that we need to forgive, even up to 77 times 7 (metaphor for endlessly) but Christ said NOTHING about forgetting. If you can show me where, then by all means do.

To forgive does not mean to erase the memory of something from your mind. If you did then you would make the same mistakes over and over with people who hurt you. Besides once trauma has taken place, it leaves a scar, a reminder you will never get 100% rid of.

Instead of beating yourself up because someone's hurtful actions caused you to have scars you cannot get rid of, just ensure you UNDERSTAND that true forgiveness is not the ability to deny the scars exist but not to let them make you continuosly hate the person who is responsible.

So when the memory of what that person did pops into your head, acknowledge it. Say out loud if necessary, 'You ARE TO BLAME FOR DOING THIS BAD THING FOR ME AND IT HURT ME etc. etc. AND I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT" but also say, "I WILL NOT WASTE ANOTHER SECOND OF MY LIFE LETTING YOU CONTROL MY EMOTIONS. I NOW TAKE CONTROL AND I CHOOSE TO LET GO OF HATE."

It might be slow but eventually, the scar will fade a little more each day.

Answer 7

Forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things. We can forgive without forgetting. Remembering what someone did to us is our defense against letting that happen to us again. If we forget we leave ourselves open to being hurt again. I was sexually abused as a child and I struggled with this same thing for years. I felt that because I couldn't forget that I wasn't forgiving, thus God would not forgive me. I prayed about this at church one day, and during that very same church service the priest preached about this. I really feel that God was answering my prayer through that priest.
I hope this helps you.

God bless,
Stanbo

Answer 8

Forgiving is often difficult, at best.
Forgetting is next to impossible if the hurts are deep enough.

But Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

It could be that when he hurt you, he had no diea of how this would effect you. If you cannot find forgeiveness in your own heart yet, forgive him with the forgiveness that Jesus has for him.
You only get to cast the first stone when you are without sin yourself.

Pray that the Lord would remove this root of bitterness. The festering will effect all your future relationships unless you get rid of it today.

Answer 9

You are about to travel down a LONG and very DIFFICULT road of forgiveness. Because I am sure this is a very personal issue for you and you do not want to tell details, I will tell you this, how you begin healing has a lot to do with how you were wronged. but the first step is accepting that humans are flawed and prone to making mistakes, and that there is often some underlying issue that makes people do the wrongs we do. If I knew exactly what you were dealing with I could better counsel you. feel free to email me if you want more specific help OK i am here for you my sister.

Answer 10

It's not easy. It's impossible to forget. I recently had an experience with this that might help though.

My HS best friend's step dad was very abusive to her. I lived with them one summer and saw this first hand and developed a hatred for the man. I did manage to pray for him sometimes that God would get ahold of him.

Now, about 10 years later, I moved back to my home town and when I chose a church to attend, there was that man, sitting just down the row from me. I was shocked to say the least. I made myself walk over and say hi. When I looked in his eyes, I saw light. I was shakingso bad, scared of the man, my hatred still boiling. I was still wary, but I continued to watch him. I was always guarded around him. We ended up in a small group that was giving testimonies one night. After he gave his, I felt I needed to speak up. I told him, in front of everyone, that I knew how bad a man he used to be. Then I told him that I saw a distinct change in him. I was shaking terribly when I did it, but ever since then, I don't hate him anymore. That outward act of forgiveness set me free from it.

I don't know your situation, but is there anything you could do, maybe an act of service for this person?? I don't know even if he has repented for what he did, but even if he hasn't, can you step out in an act of love and forgiveness?? I've found a couple times that God has blessed me for doing this.