My sister is getting married! I'm so excited. But, I'm very conflicted. First, she didn't show up at my wedding or my fathers, and she was my maid of honor. Second, she wants me to plan and pay for her entire wedding. I honestly wouldn't have a problem with it but, get this...I'm in her bridal party but, I'm not her maid of honor! Her neighbor is. She's known this woman for 2 years TOPS! I guarentee this woman will not do a bridal shower or anything, she might even stand her up and not show up as she did to me!
I'm very frustrated by this. I feel like I'm doing a lot and not being recognized. But, then I feel bad because, I should just be happy for her and not selfishly put my demands on her.
What do I do? HELP!
Should I say something to her?
2007-03-27 05:20:16 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I offered to pay for it. It's not so much the $$ that has me mad. It's that I'm doing and have done so much for her that her not asking me to be maid of honor is like a slap in the face.
2007-03-27 05:28:52 · update #1
It isn't selfish to recognize that this relationship isn't all you would like it to be.
Your sister expects you to pay for her wedding? And plan it? That's unusual, y'know? Weddings are traditionally paid for by the parents of the bride, and/or the bride and groom. Okay, if you're truly okay with it, can afford the money/time. Not okay if either of those doesn't apply.
Your sister is pretty self-centered, yes? Of course you're conflicted - she isn't considerate of your feelings, while expecting you to go "above and beyond" for her. BTW, being happy for her doesn't mean you have to do everything she wants you to do.
So let's assume you can easily afford to pay for her wedding, the idea of planning it excites you, and so you want to do it. SET A BUDGET AND STICK TO IT! This is a person who doesn't have good boundaries. You could easily end up going into much more than you can afford to please her (and she still won't be pleased). Decide what you can afford and want to spend, how much time you have available considering your other commitments, tell her that is the budget, then plant your flag.
It isn't unreasonable that you feel you are putting in a lot and not being recognized. You are being asked to foot the bill, and put in the time and effort, for a person who, essentially, wasn't there for you (she was your maid of honor and didn't show up? What was her excuse/explanation? If it didn't involve hospitalization, it was inadequate).
Decide what you WANT to do, what you can AFFORD to do, and then do that. She doesn't have healthy boundaries, so you will have to be careful. Whether or not she is happy with your decisions isn't a dependable yardstick to measure them by. If you do more than you have time for/can afford/want to, you will end up resenting it, especially when she still isn't pleased.
What should you say to her? First off, decide what you want to do/can do. Then calmly tell her that. No need to get into the past - she doesn't sound like the type who will listen, especially not now. You're not punishing her for what she did to you, you're a reasonable adult telling her what you have available. "I've looked at my budget and I can afford to chip in "x" dollars. If I push things around, I can put in one day a week (or whatever) to help get things done. Who else can you ask to help out?"
You need to understand that her wanting things does not mean that she is owed them. She needs to understand that even more than you do. If she can't, she's not old enough to get married, whatever her age.
2007-03-27 05:34:54 · answer #1 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sounds as if your sister is used to you doing a lot and not expecting to be recognised for it. She takes you for granted and already has shown you in the past by not even attending your own wedding as your maid of honor. It is time you stop being the pushover she has come to know, for if you do not teach people to respect you, then expect them not to. You are not obligated in any way to pay for her wedding nor to give her a bridal shower. Your sister has to learn from the choices she makes. If she choose someone as a maid of honor who will not give her a bridal shower, then so be it. You cannot always rescue your sister. Just accept graciously to be part of her bridal party, smile at the wedding, wish her well, give a nice gift, and that is all that is expected from you. Anyway, from how selfish and immature your sister sounds, I do doubt her marriage will even last. Sorry, but this is the way I see it. Do what is right for you and best of luck to you!
2007-03-27 12:32:08 · answer #2 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My sister and I don't get along very well, and when and if I ever get married, I probably wouldn't have her as my maid of honor, but she would probably be in my wedding party. Just seeing it from her point of view, but I wouldn't ask my sister to pay for my wedding. I would talk to her about how you feel, and see why she did it that way and why she didn't show up at your wedding (which, by the way) you probably should have talked to her a long time ago about. Good luck, and I hope you come to terms.
Edit: Then that is kind of selfish of you if you offered to pay for it to be her maid of honor? I don't mean to be mean to you, but you should've made that offer from the heart, not with any strings attached....or if you did, you should've asked at the time if you could be in the "running" for maid of honor so your sister would know you were interested.
2007-03-27 12:30:41 · answer #3 · answered by atlantagal 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow sweetie you are the best sister ever! Can I adopt you?
She didn't show up at your wedding--standing you up. Didn't care to show up at your fathers--so doesn't support your family's choices of spouses. And yet still you are willing to support her. You are soooo sweet. I want a sister just like you!
First off, I wouldn't be talking to her at all. She doesn't want to be in my life or support my husband, she proved she doesn't care about my father--I'd let her have her way and I wouldn't be talking to her at all.
Pay for her wedding?!?!? I'm confused. Dad usually would (but if I were him I wouldn't) or the couple does. I've never heard of a situation or culture where the bride's sister pays. As far as having a bridal shower, thats not really necessary. Just an opportunity to get more presents. Not a big deal really. If her maid of honor doesn't throw her one--she'll survive.
Frankly I'd just be like "Sure sweetie--I'll help your maid of honor out" and then call her MOH and let her know if she needs your help, just to call. And end it at that. The MOH doesn't call--you are off the hook.
As far as being happy for her--being dumb and funding her wedding has nothing to do with being happy for her. Take the high road--show up for her wedding. Maybe even buy her a gift if you are feeling generous. But that ends your responsibilities. Selfishy putting your demands on her? How? You just say "no thanks". You don't say something to her--don't make a scene. A simple "no but thank you for offering" is very polite. Thats not selfish; it's smart. Don't spend a fortune and stress yourself out over it. It's just one day. And since she is so selfish and uncaring, I doubt this marriage will even last long. So don't exhaust your time and budget. You are a bridesmaid--so its a supporting role. Offer to support the MOH not become the MOH.
Be happy for her. Support your sister. Show her love and understanding. Get her a lovely card.
2007-03-27 12:35:14 · answer #4 · answered by phantom_of_valkyrie 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Why are you planning and paying for your sister's wedding? That alone sounds wrong. Did you volunteer to do that? If so, why? The maid of honor is responsible for planning things - why doesn't she do it?
Your sister seems to treat you very badly and frankly, I'd suggest that you just decline her offer to let you pay for the wedding and decline the invitation. Just send her a nice card and do something fun that day.
You're concerned about not being selfish, but your sister sounds like one of the more selfish women on the planet. Whether she asked you to be the maid of honor seems rather unimportant compared to the rest of the story.
2007-03-27 12:29:04 · answer #5 · answered by LW 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you are not responsible to pay for your sisters wedding. Right there the answer should have been NO. If she did not have enough respect for you or your father on your special days, you do not have to go out of your way for her.
What you should say to her is: I will be happy to participate in your wedding because I am your sister, but I am NOT paying for anything as its not my wedding, its yours. As a bridesmaid, and NOT a maid of honor, my responsibility is to be sure that I am there and help you get dressed on the day of your wedding.
2007-03-27 16:38:40 · answer #6 · answered by Scarlett 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, unless your sis was on her deathbed, there is no excuse for her missing your wedding- especially since she was the MOH. Her behavior shows that she is not at all respectful. The only thing worse would be knowing she missed it due to a hangover or something else similarly unresponsible.
I know that this is a big day for her and you sound like you definitely have the ability to plan and organize a wedding with ease, but I think this is something that she needs to do herself. It sounds like she depends on you way too much - *takes advantage of* - and all without any prick to her conscience. The fact that she ACCEPTED your offer to pay, speaks volumes.
Unless you are independently wealthy and paying, honestly, doesn't affect your finances AT ALL, don't do it. Get her a great gift and be a witness to her special day, but that's it. Do not plan anything. Do not pay for anything. Do not put yourself through the stress!
2007-03-27 13:36:40 · answer #7 · answered by Nancy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why on earth should you pay for your sister's wedding? I think that's outrageous.
She can choose whomever she likes to be her maid of honor but after the fact that she didn't even show up for your wedding, I think she has a lot of nerve asking you to do anything for her. Tell her "No" and stop letting her use you.
2007-03-27 12:29:09 · answer #8 · answered by notyou311 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WHOA !! Put the brakes on !! She was your maid of honor and she did not show up for your wedding... or your dad's. And, she wants you to foot the bill ??? Good grief !! You're not recognized, that's true, but even worse you are just being used. Just be happy for her, go to the wedding, and buy a nice gift. That's it ! No planning, no footing the bill, no shower. Nada !!! Don't be made a fool by your insensitive and freeloading sister.
2007-03-27 12:28:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've got to be kidding. On what planet would you be responsible for paying for your sister's wedding?
And she was your maid of honor and didn't show up? You've got to be making this up.
So by offering to pay for the wedding, you were more or less trying to buy the maid of honor spot. To be quite honest, this whole situation is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard and my best advice would be to separate yourself from it and run as far and as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Take your money, book a lovely vacation to the Carribean for yourself and send your sister a postcard on her wedding day. I think talking to her would be a waste of breath - actions speak louder than words, and her actions are basically telling you that you don't matter that much to her and she ridiculously self centered. If she can treat you like this without even thinking about it, do you really think talking to her is going to make a difference?
2007-03-27 12:23:38 · answer #10 · answered by Silver_Stars 6 · 4⤊ 1⤋