Step-children and Step-parents?

Question

I've recently got in a relationship with a man that has to kids from his previous marriage. Their ages are 7 and 9.
Now the children had no kind of displine, morals, manners or anything taught to them by the mother.
The father was out working 4 jobs to support his family and wasn't around the kids as much as the mom...so now that i'm in there life its hard to disipline them because its all new to them!!!
Well weve tried talking, time-outs, punishments and rewards and nothing is working!!! And the mother is turning the kids against me because of how happy we were until she came around!?!!


Do you think it is okay for step-parents to whoop their step-kids?
And do you have any other ideas on how to make the kids behave correctly?

But the mom is over in Iraq and see the kids every six months or so... and all she does when she is here is buy them whatever they want and then leave again!! She dont care about them kids, they begged her to stay but she left anyway and she didnt have to!! When she was married she never kept house clean, cooked, did anything with the kids, and yell at them. But she didnt set no boundaries for the kids. The kids father and me are now engaged and live together and we have full custody of the kids for four more years if she decides to come back from Iraq!! So now should i still not displine them if they leave in my house and are around me most of the time!! And also I'm about to give them a little brother so there has to be something that must give!! I dont want my son to mis behave like them!!!What do I do now!!!

Answer 1

make your husband do it

Answer 2

Don't spank them. Regardless of what anyone's moral views are on it, their mother will be pressing charges against you if you do. I can tell you that for sure by what you say about her.

You and your husband have to present a united front here, regardless of how you decide to deal with it. And if he will not help you, you might want to take a long, hard look at your relationship. This is not going to go away, or be easy to resolve.

The main thing is, whatever you decide to do, stick to it, together, and DO NOT back down. Also, don't make a big fuss about it. If they have been told "no tv if you do/don't do this or that", when they break the rule, quietly unplug the tv and remove the remote from the room, without a word. We have gone as far as taking it out of the room altogether for the rest of the day with my daughter. She was an angel for weeks after that. Find their weakness, and use it.

Answer 3

No you don't have a right to hit any child. The kids are not gonna start behaving better unless all parents are on the same rules. You need to remember even though you are a guardian or basically a free babysitter..you are not these kids parents. If the dad and the mom of these kids have a set way or raising these kids, you can not come in and change it just because you married the dad. You accepted that when you married him. Maybe this relationship isn't for you.

Answer 4

for one thing, you are not a step mother. You are a BONUS mother. They are not your step children. They are your BONUS children.

Yes, be tough! and consistant. And DO NOT quit!
Many parents need a "friend" and make their children into a friend. Children have all the friends in the world and NEED a parent.

Children also INTERPRET "discipline" as LOVE. If they do not recieve discipline, they will KNOW no one cares enough and they will KNOW they can do WHATEVER they wish.......and will. They will be the junkie, the thief, they jailbird, etc. BECAUSE NO ONE CARED ENOUGH to discipline.

BE TOUGH, and don't stop until the job is done. But while you do this...............also talk, talk, talk.

This is a very difficult "talent and gift" that some people hold.
I hope you are one of these people.

Just know you are correct, and DO NOT STOP.
"If" you have this gift. Then you have the responsibility.

I learned from my mother without knowing.........God bless her, she taught me well.

oh, all those medical problems like attention deficient and bi polar, etc.............lmao............don't be dumb enough to believe that crap.........it is called BEHAVIOR............and alot of other crap thats made medical to sell the pills............BEHAVIOR!

It is easier to say it is a medical problem because of the lack of PARENTING.

The mother is not going to "press charges" ..... she doesn't care.

Initially FEAR works great!...........then you have their attention and from there.................you work and talk......work and talk........then the love and respect will come..........then last will come the THANK YOU.

Sure you can be a whimp and say the husband or society's do's and don't (s)...........bottom line?
You care enough to DO WHAT IT TAKES.

Answer 5

No I think that is the job of the Parents. I have two step sons ages 61/2 and 11 and i have never whooped them. If they are in my care and need diseplined they get put in time out(and YES it does still work for the 11 yr old) and there father handles the whoopens if need be. I think that talking to your step children and telling them how there actions(good or bad ) is the best way to get through to them. If all else fails talk to there father and see what HE wants you to do.

Answer 6

This is a very tough decision you should discuss with your spouse. I would suggest family counseling for everyone. They probably resent you because you are with their dad but it will get better I believe that last study done about step families said that it takes up to 4 years for a complete bond to be made. I do believe that you should discipline them being you are a caregiver but you have to be careful because it sounds like the mother is a witch and could do something to hurt you with this. Try putting the kids in more activities sports, art, etc. this may give them an outlet for their energy and built up anger. Good luck.

Answer 7

Whoop? As in beat? As in spank? Are we still in the stoneage?

Beating kids only teaches them how to hurt, spanking them only seems to make them grow into adults with spanking fetishes. Neither is effective. If you ever smack a kid it should be for something really bad that you'd smack an adult for, and let's face it, we don't smack adults very easily.

Time outs are the best option, but you shouldn't be doing it.

The reason is not because you're not right, these kids need to learn boundaries so they stop searching for them, the reason is because you're not a primary parent. If you weren't brought in before they can remember, then you're not a primary parent. Primary parenting might work for the 7yo, but not the 9yo. The reason is because they have a father and mother, you're the step-mother. Because you came in late you cannot be a primary disciplinarian. This is because it's not an established pattern of behaviour for them so it's unnatural, and they will not follow it well.

Your best option is to talk to your partner about it and have him discipline the children by issuing time outs. Your job in this is to be his partner, not their parent. Not to say you cannot be a step-parent but as you see the roles are different. Having your partner issue the time outs will go naturally with what the kids see as a set precedent(of dad giving discipline), this will also remove the stigma that the ex puts on you, as you will not be teaching her kids, something she'll see as encroaching on her territory.

So, be ready to join the family unit, just not as a primary parent. Also work on your relationship with the children, as they do not know you as well as their father. Often step-parents act like the child should know them, when in fact they know very little of them because they weren't surrounded by them for years and years.

If they do something to you, tell your partner, let him dish out the discipline. Also talk to them to see what's going on with them.

Oh, and the time outs are the best thing to do to a child to show discipline, nothing at all works better. They just have to be adhered to, if they're told 15 minute time out in their room, it has to be 15 minutes, no more no less.

Also make sure to reward good behaviour, which is something you can and should do as a step-parent so you can develop more of a relationship with the children instead of being seen as the strict person coming into their lives.

I hope this helps.

Also as much as I hate Dr. Phil, I think he has a book out about parenting and step-parenting, it might be worth a read.

Answer 8

Do not hit them,carry on with your previous plan because it is working, try and be friends with their Mum. She feels threatened after all they are her kids and she has rights regardless of the reasons why they don't live with her. Do not give her any ammo to throw. Perhaps she should have shared custody.Don't feel betrayed you are a good person to take care of them so well. Its a difficult situation to handle. As you are piggy in the middle.

Answer 9

Your are the step mother you can not whoop your step kids because you are not there birth mother.You in the birth mother might get into a fight if you whoop them.You have to understand its hard to have another women in their life that's not they mother.They mother never discipline them so you can't.May be you should leave the situation.I seem like the father is using you to be a mother to his kids.They are never going to listen to you.