Children staying with Grandma over summer, am I being daft?

Question

My 2 step-daughters (2 and half and 9) are expected by their gran to go and stay 2-6 weeks in school summer hols. Their gran lives in highlands of Scotland and we live in Yorks so not exactly down road !! She smokes, fills them with choc, sweets and e numbers, doesn't think its her place to dicipline if they are naughty, and only livs in a 1 bed flat. We still have to pay childcare if they are away. I don't want them to go as they are settled and in a routine. When they went last summer they both piled weight on (the eldest over 1 stone) had no dicipline and it took us 2 weeks to get the youngest to sleep on her own again. I don't want to seem to their gran that I am being unreasonable but I really don't want them to go. She will smoke around them (even if we tell her not to) and she feels it is not her place to say no to them and that wont change. I am scared they will come back overweight, spoilt brats.
Am I just being unreasonable as she is ther gran and its not for too long?

To add: Their gran cannot stay with us as we don't have any space and she wont stay in a hotel. I know its only once a year but I dont like the idea of being away from them that long!! She is very stubborn and even if we compramise and say they can go if she doesn't smoke around them, doesn't give them lots of sweets and choc and will didipline them if they are naughty......I know she won't stick to it as she is a firm believer that its not her place to say no to them nomatter what the outcome is. My fella always agrees with what I say so he just says its upto me. But I know she will blame me and fall out with me if I dont let them go. Why is life never straight foward /////////????

Answer 1

Of course your not being unreasonable. If you don't want them to go that's down to you.

Answer 2

It's true that it's only once a year but those trips can have life-long devastating affects on the children's overall health. The second hand smoke can lead to permanent lung damage. If she stuffs them with sweets they could end up struggling with obesity for the rest of their lives not to mention the fact that once they get back you will have to undo all the damage caused by the spoiling and never saying no. I know you don't want to be the "mean" daughter-in-law but she doesn't sound like a responsible healthy influence. Why don't you and your husband take the kids up their for a few days or a week and stay with them at a hotel so they aren't exposed to her second hand smoke as much and you can make sure they aren't being stuffed with sweets. Best of luck.

Answer 3

Her being the granny does not grant her any special rights, especially since your objections are founded on experience.

I think you should be able to tell her this. Not as a negotiation tactic (you can have the kids if you do this and don't do this), but as a Valid Reason to say No.

I don't know your relationship here and why the granny has any say in it and how the other parent is involved in this.

It might be necessary to make some sacrifices yourself if you really feel this is important.
So if you were hoping to dump the kids for two weeks while you fly off on holiday, I don't think you have much moral ground to tell granny what to do.
If, however, you are willing to take the kids yourself, possibly go with them to granny's and limit the entire stay to only 1 weekend, and maybe change your own holiday plans for the sake of the kids' wellbeing, then I say you have every right to raise them in your best way.

Answer 4

I totally understand your concerns and maybe sending them up there for a few weeks is not right. However it is their gran and so there should be some contact. Maybe look into the possibilities of the whole family going to Scotland and staying in a B and B near gran so that the children can have contact with her - as is their right - yet you are there to ensure rules are followed.

Answer 5

Why not send them for a shorter time? Or for the 2 weeks (lower end you said she expected) but go to pick them up and stay with them in motel yourself for the last 3 days?

There is much good in having that unconditional love from a grandparent but there's no need to let the bad habits develop again by too long of a visit.

Answer 6

that's a hard one, i have some idea of what you are going through. how about they go for 1 week at the start of the holidays and then spend the last week there? That way she cant get them into too much of a rut. grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren but to put on a stone in weight is just shocking! you need to lay the law down about food and maybe you can encourage them to take regular forms of exercises while their up there. could you get them a pass or something for her local leisure centre so they can go swimming or something similar? good luck with this one. by the way, are you not entitled to take annual holidays with the child care so that you don't have to pay? good luck

Answer 7

Hey honey,

They are you and your husbands responsibility so don't let them go - just explain to her that she is very welcome to come down and visit,

or perhaps you could all visit her for a week or so in the summer - even stay at a local b&b and let the children stay with her during this time (gives you some time alone with you hubby in a b&b also!!)

I'm sure she will understand and not see you as the wicked step-mum thats taken her grandchildren away from her~!!!

All the best - Sophia

Answer 8

What does your partner think of all this? Was he brought up in the same way? It is difficult but Grandma has a responsibility to the children and if she is not going to honour that, she forfeits the right to see them. Your partner should back you up in this because the facts are undeniable. You must put the health and rights of the children first and keep them away. If she won't play the game, keep the kids away. She has to accept they are your kids too now and she has them with your rules or not at all. It's good to hear parents taking care of their kids for a change.

Answer 9

you say step children so im assuming you have a mate.but you dont mention how they feel about this or whether they,ll back you in a crunch.is she their mother? then they need to stand up to her .if not their mother but the kids maternal/paternal grandma ,why are you obligated to her?
I understand where youre coming from though, we are a combined family and we have to deal with this during the summer and holidays .
we stick to the ones we,re legally obligated to (estranged parents) and let them deal with their own families and whether they get to see extended family during their visitation time.
another thing that helps is that as the kids get older they are involved in summer activities and have less time for visiting.mine have summer sports and camps they attend.maybe if you do something like that for the oldest during the summer and limit the visit to a couple of days .if possible go with? have her visit you?
If your mate will back you, just say no .tell her she,s welcome to come anytime but you,ve decided it,s less disturbing to the childrens routine.and the bit about the smoking should be brought up to her.that she did,nt respect your wishes ,that it not be done around the kids.I dont think its possible to not hurt her feelings but you are the parent. you get to say how you want your kids taken care of. if outside parties dont want to respect that then they lose. good luck

Answer 10

You don't have to let them go...I wouldn't either. Is this your bf's mom? If so, make him tell her. If she's yours, then you tell her. You should never be forced to expose your child to 2nd hand smoke and bad food! If grandma really wants to see them, she can come and stay in a motel. If you always give her her way in the end then there's no reason for her to compromise.

Answer 11

Are the girls happy to go? If so perhaps only for 2 weeks. Maybe the 9 year old could ask Nana to not smoke around them. Being spoilt by your grandparents is a great part of childhood and will make for happy memories later.