I don't want to talk to my dad but my mom's always urging me to. Am I wrong?

Question

My dad and I have had a rocky relationship since my parent's divorce. I can't forget the abuse in the house before the divorce, but still tried to patch things up a bit. Forgive and forget, you know, but he keeps giving me new reasons to not want to talk to him. He visited last year, Sep or Oct sometime, for a couple days. When he left he said he'd be back in a week. He didn't show and never called. Then just today he sent an email about basically nothing but I had a question for him relating to the email. I replied to his email with my question and told him about an awesome job I landed a couple weeks ago. My mom had been urging me to tell him about it and call about nothing before hand but I didn't want to because he didn't even call to let me know he'd not be back. So, he replies to my reply, but not one word is in relation to my good job news. What the f?
Am I wrong?
Does this sound too juvenile?

Sorry it's long, but the question requires details.

Answer 1

Are you wrong not to want to talk to him? From the sound of it, no, it's perfectly understandable. What reason does your mom give for wanting you to remain in touch?

Here's the thing - if he's abusive, then he's toxic, and it's probably not in your best interests to be in contact with him. If he's just kind of a jerk, well, people can change, if they want to, so you have to ask yourself if you want to leave the door open to a relationship in the future, if he changes.

If you do, then you leave the door open through minimal contact. You don't look to this person for help or support, but you contact him when you feel like it, to the degree you want (for example, a birthday card and Christmas card). This can also be your choice if you simply want to please your mom while not taking up much of your own time/energy/attention with this unsatisfying relationship.

If, for whatever reason, you aren't interested in contact, then that is a decision that is, and should be, up to you. It might help if you explain your reasons to your mom, calmly. If he's abusive, then it's not in your best interests to see him, but as I say, if he's just a jerk, then you can always tell your Mom, "If he calls me, or writes, or visits, I'll talk to him, but it's just too painful to keep trying to get his attention when he doesn't seem that interested in me. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me." Then you leave the ball in his court and get on with your life.

Answer 2

You Dad sounds like he has never grown up and still believes the world revolves around his wants and needs. At the end of the day you have done what you need to with regards to the relationship and your mother sounds like a pretty awesome lady. She understands that you will always wonder about whether or not you could have built this relationship with your father. Keep in touch with him as you have and just remember that this is where he is at. Don't compare your relationship with what others have with their Dad's. Not all are rosy either but you have put the effort in and someday maybe the relationship will grow and maybe not but you will never have to feel guilty about not trying. You sound like a pretty mature and well put together girl and I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

I wouldn't say that you are being juvenille. Any therapist (as the 9 I've seen over the past 10 years) would say to you that just because he's your father does not mean that you have to put up with him being abusive. My father devastated my world as a child, and continues to ruin it as an adult. I look at the situation now and say, "I had NO control over the first half of my life, but I have FULL control over how he makes me feel now!" ... it is impractical of your mother to urge you to have contact with him if he upsets you so much.

Its the same thing as saying your terrified of deep water, and deathly afraid of boats but you're going on a cruise for two weeks. Why would you put yourself through something like that if you don't like it. Take it from me, I have learned from a lot of experiences. My dad will never change, he will always be destructive emotionally abusive (never being there when he says he will be), physically abusive (hitting, my sister, my mom, and our dogs). He is my father, but I know now that I don't have to let him upset my life, because of it. Father is a relative term when you think about it. My dad has never been a "father" to me, so he hasn't earned that title so he hasn't earned that respect from me.

Ask ANY therapist and they will tell you the same! Stay strong, and don't let others push you into situations that can only harm you.

Answer 4

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Maybe your dad will come around in the future. Until then, you have to do what makes you comfortable and happy. You've attempted to have a relationship with him, but only he know why he's not responding.

Maybe he feels guilty for how things turned out, and it's much easier to continue to be a poor father than try to "man-up" and actually work on himself and his relationship with you. It doesn't matter why he's not with the program, and it doesn't have anything to do with you.

Tell your mom exactly what you've said here. I would also leave the door open for your dad to come around and be the father he's supposed to be. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but at least he has the opportunity if he wants it. If you feel up to it, write your dad a letter explaining how you feel. Yes, you can forgive but some things are hard to forget. I have to give your mom credit for encouraging you to have a relationship with him, but she really needs to hear and understand how you feel.

I think you're thoughtful and on track about this situation. Don't close any doors, but continue to remain realistic about your relationship with your dad.

Answer 5

No you are not a juvenile. Maybe you should just back off, despite what your mom says because you are the one getting hurt and let down here.Sounds like she might feel sorry for him, does not mean you have to. I think the next e-mail should come from him. Maybe you can give him what he has been giving you. The ole brush off and one day, and i promise , he will ask, what is wrong with her, why does she not want to talk to me?

Answer 6

Your Dad doesn't care about your success's because he doesn't care about you. Otherwise he'd call or visit you more often. You Mother encourages this to make sure you don't feel you're missing out. (even though HE'S been missing in your life). Maybe you should tell her what you really think and feel...if you're old enough to have a job, you're old enough to talk like an adult to your Mom (and Dad and tell him what a weenie he's being...)
You aren't wrong...just don't let it sit and simmer in your mind..
You have a life to get on with...and to do it means getting rid of 'baggage'.....(cliche I know...but it's true...)

Answer 7

Consider the option of a dad getting to know a kid(no matter the age) if he likes it or not. I'm definitely not talking about disrespecting a parent. What I'm referring to is keep trying...not every single day but keep communicating to him who you are, how's life going, ask him the same, ask him about him then put it away...he'll come around just don't agonize about it~one can't be persistant if agony is aloud to rule the life. Your role is his child....so be that.

Answer 8

No, you're not wrong. You're protecting yourself from more pain and more hurt from him. That's normal. Good for your mom for suggesting you talk to him more, but you seem to have good reason for keeping at a distance.

Go slow and go at your own pace.

Answer 9

i have the same kind of relationship with my father. i have similar feelings. put him in check. i know that hes your dad and that you are supposed to show him respect but he needs to show you some respect too.