Should I let him see his daughter again?

Question

My daughters father walked out when she was six months old he did not write or contact her for another six months to ask how she was. He has never supported her. He called to see her I let him on a couple of occations but there was no stability and he wants to come and go when HE pleases. He is also due to have another child by another woman very soon. My daughter is loved and cared for and I feel he has nothing to offer her not even to be a part time dad.

My daughter is 2yrs old.

Everyone thinks i have stopped him seeing his daughter I never have each time he has asked I let him untill the last time when we arranged to meet and he never showed up!! I dont't want him to hurt her.

Answer 1

hi ,i found myself in a similar situation to yourself, so i know where u are coming from. my daughters father did the exact same to her age 2. i never stood in his way. he came and went when he pleased. he also never finacially help. but i kept the door always open. much to my disgust, i used to hope he would just completely disappear. but that is my opinion, and not my daughters so i had to bite my tongue till it almost bled!!!!! now my daughter is 10 and has a great relationship with her dad, she adores him and he adores her. he still does not pay money as i have a new partner and he thinks we earn enough!!! but money aside he is her dad, i cant stand him he is a loser as a man, no stability in his life, always losing jobs etc etc, but he is good to his daughter in other ways. i found out from him he found young toddlers too hard to handle, he didnt know wot do do(poor soul, eh!) but as my daughter got older he seemed to connect better, i am glad i left the door open from him, when i see my daughters face when he picks her up. she seems to have forgotten the times he didnt turn up or brought her back after 20 minutes not knowing wot do do. i could have been bitter,i had every reason to be, but it is his choice and hers,and it has worked out for the best. i have a well balnced, and much loved kid who knows her real dad and loves her stepdad. dont let ur daughter resent u in later years, keep that door open, if HE doesnt walk through at any stage in ur daughters life, then SHE'LL see him for the bum he is, and you have not influenced her opinion. just keep loving her and caring for her as your are doing,and she'll love you right back. it might not be the right time for him, as in my case. you keep in control and set the rules if he does come round,dont be a doormat for a bum, but its good for your daughter if she can know her dad, keep that door slightly open just in case..

Answer 2

Sorry to hear you and your daughter are in such a tough spot.
I am not going to chastise you too much.
First though it is your child's right to be supported financially by this man. Do not let him get away without doing so... you don't have the right to not do it.
Second... he may not have anything to offer now. He may not ever, but it is in your daughter's best interest to actually learn that for herself.
One answerer was very reasonable in her response, that is she made the arrangements but didn't tell their child. That way when the father didn't show up the child was none the wiser.
You can not let him come and go when he pleases... just think what an awful lesson that will be for your daughter.
Get to court, get everything documented... and get her money for her.

Answer 3

I went through the exact same thing with my daughter father 18 yrs. ago. First of all let me say that whatever action you take, you will feel guilty...it's a given. Also, whatever action you take will be wrong - to somebody...also a given. Write EVERYTHING down...dates when he showed/missed...time : late/early. Get a lawyer, in Canada we have legal aid...you probably have the same sort of thing there. Get support for your daughter, and make arrangements for him to see her...legally, in the courts...and on paper. That doesn't mean he'll actually start being a good father, but when he starts threatening you with taking her away from you - just to get his own way for whatever reason - you'll have the courts on your side. He won't be any better father to this new baby than he is to yours, so GET to court now, they don't care if he has 100 more babies, your daughter is still his, and he is still responsible for her financially - wether he likes it or not. Wether he sees her or not. Good luck, and take it from me : there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not always a train! LOL

Answer 4

I'd say no way!!! I've gone through the same thing for 9 years and it has done nothing but make my 9 year old beautiful, smart and loving son ask repeatedly why his dad doesnt love him. Its the worst thing I could have ever done to him and I wish someone would have told me a long time ago how much it would hurt my son. Also my sons father had a baby a year ago and he is just in love with his new baby and my son has seen his sister 4 times....dont let it happen...its not worth it....I would say since your daughter is 2, be up front and tell him he's got one more chance to be a dad and if he screws it up he should love her enough to just back off completely. No on/off dad is a good dad.

Answer 5

I was in this same situation, my daughters father walked out on us when she was 11 mnths old and 6 months later he knocked on the door asking to see her. I let him and for months he messed us around and my daughter had her second birthday and still didnt no her daddy and refused go to him. I sat him down and told him it wasnt nice for her to be exoected to go to someone she didnt know and i wouldnt subject her to it any longer so he had a choice, he sees her regurlarly and under my supervision as i thought it be too stressful a strange man coming to take her out and also he was a jerk and he went away and came back and ever since he has seen her regularly my daughter thinks he is her personal bank account, she has started calling him daddy and enjoys his visits. Im glad i decided to give him about his 10th chance as I really wanted to make things better, man arent any good with babies i worked that out but she is now 3 and he cant interact with her she can mouth him back and they get on great and soon he will be taking her out on his own for a couple hours instead of being in the house supervised by me. Wherever possible if the man can agree to reasonable access arrangements try and make them work for the baby's sake. If nothing else its nice to see the smile on my little girls face when he walks in and now he does also contribute to her and my daughter whatever she wants he gets her. the fact that he is having another child is irrelavant, give him a chance to be a dad but with grounds , he has to meet you half way too, if he cant then i agree sometimes its best to leave it and maybe try again when she is older.

Answer 6

I think there should be some sort of contact. Even if
its just through letters and greetings cards.
The problem is not now, it will be in years to come.
Will your 18yr old daughter thank you for NOT letting
her have contact with her biological father? You have
to look at the future. She will have a half sister too.
If you agree that he can see her - then set boundaries.
Tell him you do not want him getting her hopes up and
then not coming. It will probably be easier when she is older
and more familiar with him. At the moment he is a stranger.
Good Luck, you are in a horrible position here.

Answer 7

I think you ought to let him. But don't let him dictate. If he asks to see her arrange a mutually agreeable time and if he fails to show, just carry on as normal. I never used to tell my son his father was due cos he sometimes didn't show or was hours late. As soon as the prescribed hour arrived, if the **** wasn't there, I would take my son out so that if the **** was late, he missed his chance. If he didn't turn up, my son was none the wiser. I don't do that anymore as my son is 10 and has to face up to what his father really is but when they are younger its too much pain and sadness for them. Your ex may be a useless idiot but you can't be the bad one so let your daughter find out her own way in her own time and when she is older you can say that you wanted her to have a relationship with him and you are sorry he is no good. If you keep them apart you will be the baddy for it. Its a crap situation but so many of us have been through it and still going through it. My son is learning to live with it although it really hurts him. God knows what the future holds but he knows I love him and his step-dad is there now too.

Answer 8

If he is a reasonable person, which I doubt he is let him see how confusing that is for the child for him to walk in and out of her life as he pleases. If he has set days there will be a routine in the child's life. The other thing is you can't please everybody. You only do what's best for your child and noone else. People will still talk bad even if you allow to see her or not. Assess the situation and work out a proper timetable for the child's sake. I know this will be difficult. May be find a go between you and your ex because obviously wen you try to do it youeself sparks will fly. Good luck my dear and hope whatever you decide works out.

Answer 9

No.

And the comment that ''shes still his daughter'' is so naive. Biologically, thats true, but it seems like hes no dad to her.

While shes so young she needs stability. Not a man thats going to walk in and out of her life when he feels like it.

When shes older she can make her own mind up about whether she wants to see him.

Get in touch with the CSA too about money.

Your daughter deserves more than him, she isnt a doll that can be picked up,and then left when its convieniant.

Answer 10

Uh, absolutely not. He has no reason to ever see 'his' child again. Sounds to me like your daughter's father isn't even a father. If he truly cared, he would have supported her. Let your daughter know that you are there for her, not him. He basically has no relation to her except by blood. If you don't want him there, make it known and get a restraining order!