Agnostic to marry non-practicing roman catholic with very catholic family?

Question

I’m looking for some help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years now. We’ve talked about getting married but it seems that the biggest problem we are going to have is making everyone happy (I know, impossible). His family is very religious, and I (and my family) are not (note: I have not been baptised). I’ve always wanted to get married outside and have a small, short, non-religious ceremony. His family, wants a catholic wedding, in a church. He wants his family to be happy. He is a non-practicing catholic (only goes on major holidays when his family requests his attendance)and I didn’t think it would be an issue to have a non-religious ceremony. However, now his family has made it one.
Converting to Catholicism is not an option as it is not something that I want.
Anyone have any ideas on compromises? I’ve read a lot and most places say that most catholic priests will not do outside weddings. Is this true? Do you have any other ideas? I certainly need help

Answer 1

There are several possible compromises.

+ The Catholic Church allows marriage between Catholics and non-baptized persons. I believe these ceremonies are short and not a full Mass (it would be impolite for everyone except the bride to receive Holy Communion). You will have to get permission from the bishop.

+ While the Church prefers that a marriage be celebrated in a parish church, a marriage can be celebrated in any other suitable place with permission of the bishop.

So I believe if you get the bishop to say okay that you can have a short outside Catholic wedding celebrated by a priest.

Make an appointment to talk about your situation with your parish priest or marriage coordinator.

With love in Christ.

Answer 2

Here's the scoop from the Catholic perspective.

A Catholic cannot get married outside of a church as the Sacrament of Marriage must take place in Sacred Space (A church building, not outside). The wedding can take place outside IF the bishop of your diocese grants a dispensation, which is very, very rare. The 'rent-a-priest' option probably won't satisfy a devout Catholic, because it's common knowledge that the 'rent-a-priests' are generally in schism or are dissenting and do not obey a bishop (the sign of being in communion with Rome and producing valid Sacraments) so they're basically not even priests to a practicing Catholic, and the marriage would still be seen as invalid by your in-laws. Getting the marriage blessed after the fact will also unlikely satisfy your in-laws, as this is usually reserved for people who are coming into the church and are already married. It's not considered acceptable for a Catholic to do so. This will also probably take classes and be a ceremony in the church. By the way, your fiance will need a dispensation from the Bishop to get married as you're a non-Catholic. This is much more commonly allowed. Getting a quickie-marriage in the church and then having the 'real' wedding afterwards would probably be deemed acceptable.

NOW, having said all that, I doubt whether you should have a Catholic wedding as I don't really see any Catholics involved in the marriage. You're not Catholic, your fiance doesn't appear to be Catholic (if he doesn't believe what the church teaches he needs to drop the title of Catholic and 'come-out' to his parents about the fact that he is not Catholic).

Also having said all this, when your fiance does announce he's not Catholic, expect some very hard emotions on the side of your in-laws because leaving the faith is a very serious and sorrowful event. If they're very devout they may experience what looks a lot like grief, with crying and begging him not to go. You'll also have to deal with a re-awakening of these emotions at the birth of your Children, around the time they turn seven, and about age 17 as these are major events in a Catholic's life. The Church will still be in your life too - your nieces and nephews will be baptised, confirmed, and recieve First Eucharist and you'll probably be invited to these events.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but this is the truth (of course, depending on how devout your in-laws are). If your husband thinks at any time he may want to return to the Church, I would seriously suggest having a Nuptial Ceremony (not Mass) with his family, and have the wedding you want afterwards. It'll make things much easier down the road.

Answer 3

I'm just spit balling here, because for one thing I am not of the Catholic faith, and secondly, I was married to my bride 30 years ago, so things have likely changed - including attitudes - which I hope is something in your favor.

It seems that change is the only Constant in the world today, and the Catholic Church - perhaps more that others - has made some major shifts if not out-right changes in policy in the last few years with regards to a number of issues that up until a short time ago had been inviolate precepts.

I don't believe this necessarily reflected a weakening of the Church, but rather an awakening of the Church to the needs their flock in these troubling times, and the nature of the world in which they must live, and how technology, globalization, and outright challenges to scripture, Church artifacts, cannon law, sacriments, and sacred rituals has had many parishoners re-examining their faith and Church laws. Now many of those Flower Children of the 60's and 70's are in positioins of Power in the Church, and as such are now a force to be reckoned with in the Church. For today they are lobbying for a more open and loving Church , a Church less about strict rules, atonement, contrition, and confession; and more about the celebration of life and the Human spirit in Service to God, and the Gifts that a Caring and Loving God bestows upon his faithful children.

So I would find a Church with a strong youth program, and talk to the Youth Priest about what you want for your wedding. At the same time, Search for a Catholic Church, Rectory, or other Church Property that has a Garden, Arbor, or other Park like setting that would accomodate your ceremony, guests, parking, reception - etc.

No luck there yet? Is there not a Catholic retreat in the woods or mountains somewhere within a100 miles of where you live? if not what about a retirement center in the forest? . You may find that the Church owns a LOT of property in the City, and surrounding County and State - some of which is bound to be Park-like I would think. If not - focus on getting the Priest. Still no luck? See if you can find a retired Priest - sometimes age can change a person's sense of what is truely right and wrong - just and unjust, - fair and not-fair.

You might also want to investigate the different sects within the Church, Do the Jesuits have a different view on weddings in the open air?

Failing all these, consider a small intimate Chapel wedding with mass; with just family and a few friends, and then go ahead and have your wing ding of an out-door wedding - wear flowers in your hair, go bare-foot, have a pan flute and dulcemer play the wedding song, Your wedding dress can be linsey-woolsey, and you can have the Pure Prarie League Band play the whole night away. Do a pig roast, put 15 kegs of Beer on ice, and invite everyone you've ever known.

In any event - theres one thing to remember above all else - THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY. It is NOT your mothers. It is NOT your mother-in-Law's. It's is NOT even your Husband's. IT'S YOUR WEDDING DAY. MAKE IT THE WEDDING DAY YOU WANT IT TO BE - DO NOT COMPROMISE TO PLEASE ANYONE ELSE. This is the begining of your life together with your husband to be DO NOT start off blaming him because you did not get YOUR WEDDING because you felt you had to make HIS MOTHER HAPPY.

(Here's something that might help: If the roles were reversed, do you think for a minute that she would take your feelings into consideration for even a moment?) Good luck and my best wishes.

I'm pulling for you.

Answer 4

You don't have to convert to get married in a Catholic church. You just won't take communion. I had this same problem and I did convert which was a waste of time because I no longer practice the Catholic Religion but I tell ya I wish I would have put my foot down and made my now husband stick up for what I wanted for a wedding. I still wish for my dream wedding I had as a little girl and it was outside on a beach but I caved to everyone who wanted a big traditional catholic wedding. And yes you are right I don't think you will likely find a priest to do an outdoor wedding. You can try and hope you find one more laid back but I don't even then you wont. Catholics are very strict with tradition and ritual. Good Luck I hope you get the wedding you want.

Answer 5

My friend got married outside but had her marriage "blessed" in the Catholic church. Would this be an option for you? Why not check with several Catholic churches about their practices regarding weddings before deciding. You can also have a Catholic priest do one ceremony for the two of you and then have the "main" ceremony be outside (the one you really want). I think it would be a really good idea to take his mom out to lunch and sit down (just the two of you) and talk about it. She should remember when she was a bride and how much a bride looks forward to planning the wedding of her dreams. Tell her you want to be respectful of her feelings and religious beliefs and want to find a way to make it all work. If you've been dating her son for 5 years she should be able to see your side and want to work on the situation. Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

Answer 6

This is your wedding, not his family's. If you want a small, short, outdoor, non-religious ceremony, that is precisely what you should have.

This is not a religious issue as much as it is a relationship issue. The worst thing you can do is to join a church you don't believe in. Now, I'm a Catholic, I love being Catholic, I've found Christ in the Catholic Church, and it is home for me. For you, and it sounds like for your boyfriend, the Catholic Church is not a good place. You're not religious, and your boyfriend is just going through the motions to appease his family.

If his family has "made it an issue" they need to not make it an issue. He is a man, you are a woman, you are (I'm assuming) both supporting yourselves on your own. His family, disappointed though they may be, need to respect your wishes - both of your wishes. If they don't, they risk alienating you from them.

But here's the difficult part - it is not for you to tell his family this. It is for your boyfriend to tell his family this. It is also time for him to tell them that he doesn't believe in the Catholic faith. Again, I'm Catholic, and I believe strongly in the Catholic faith. But I think it is antithetical for a family to ask their son to embrace a faith solely nominally.

A Catholic priest will not perform a non-religious ceremony. To ask one to perform it is asking him to go against his conscience. You should ask someone else.

Answer 7

Compromise is not an option when it comes to religion. If you are not religious, maybe you should look into the Catholic religion for guidance. You are missing out on a lot. I think you should have a catholic wedding, but learn about it first so that it means something. Then again, no priest would marry you if you have not been baptized, have not done your first communion, and have not done your confirmation. You should look into the church's RCIA program.

Good Luck and God Bless you.

Answer 8

Some Catholic priests will not marry a couple when one person is not of the faith itself or willing to take classes to ensure the path to Catholicism. Sweetie, I don't think there is any compromise here for you. Its your wedding, and they have to respect the fact that you are NOT Catholic. You can have a non-denominational wedding, which is just as beautiful. I think he needs to sit down with his family and remind them that not everyone is from the same background and pushing their beliefs and wants on you is just not right. Do not give in, if this is something you do not want. Show them that you can have a beautiful ceremony without all of the pomp and circumstance of a religious ceremony (no offense to anyone). My brother did a non-denominational because of the different religious backgrounds of him and his wife, and I did a non-denominational ceremony.

Answer 9

Here's the scoop. If your fiancee wants to marry you the church you should do it. You can't do it outside. Also the people who told you either you can't have an interfaith marriage or you'd have to go to long boring classes are dead
WRONG. They should do a little more research before dispensing advice. The only thing you have to do is a questionairre of about 130 questions and that is really helpful. I am about to marry a man who is not baptised and he is not becoming a catholic. You just have to get a dispensation for a mixed marriage and you can't have a mass during the ceremony. I think if you can live with a ceremony then you should do it for your loved one. Congratulations either way.

Answer 10

Ouch! I have several friends who are practicing Catholics, and I don't think there's really a "compromise" here. I applaud you for trying to find one though, because that's what marriage is all about.

Basically, his family is going to have to get over the fact that you 2 will not have the big Catholic Mass wedding ceremony. If you and he want to have a non-religious ceremony, then that's all that's important here. This is one of those cases where you do NOT have to compromise to make HIS parents happy. Your fiance is going to have to decide, does he do what makes HIS parents happy for the rest of his life, or does he do what makes HIM (and you) happy for the rest of your lives. Sometimes you're going to make someone unhappy, and there's NOTHING you can do about it. As long as the 2 of you are comfortable with what you're doing, you can handle any possible backlash from family members.

On a side note though: let him deal with his family. Let him tell them the way the wedding will be after the 2 of you have decided. Let him get the flack and fallout from disappointing his family. Hopefully his parents will be mature, realize their son is an adult, and respect his wishes regardless of how he's living his life differently from the way they viewed it. If they're hard nosed though, they may decide to boycott the entire wedding. Be prepared to offer your sweetie LOTS of support and comfort if that happens, because he will be hurt, big time.