Should a child know his father at any cost?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and we have a 3 year old son. We got into an argument about a hypothetical situation and I'd like to know what everyone else thinks about it.
He said he would break up with me but remain a father to our son if a paternity test proved he was NOT the father. He said It would be completely immoral if I pursued finding out who his real father was. I grew up without a father so I'm a real advocate for father-child relationships so I said I dont care what you think, I would try and find my son's real father so he can know him. My fiance then tells me it's selfish for me to do that when he has a perfectly good father who loves him, and that I would only be doing it to fulfill my own needs. He says there is no reason to take a chance on another man not loving our son, and our son growing up with low self-esteem or developing a complex. I think it would basically be his way of me paying him back for having another man's child.
What do you think?

We were watching the Maury show and he was calling all these girls whores for wanting to find out who the real father was. It really is a hypothetical situation :)

My point was : how dare he imply these women shouldnt go out and tell a man who may have fathered her child that he may be a daddy. And how would we even know that these other men arent good fathers or shouldnt be given the chance to prove they can be a good father?

Also - I guess it was just ridiculous that he said that he would DUMP ME, but he expected me to allow him to raise our son. What if whoever I had cheated on him with (and I'm not a ho, so I would definitely know who that was) found out he was a father and decided he wanted to marry me and raise his child. What if he was a great guy? That's where the selfish aspects come in. He would want me to not find another guy to raise our son and justify it by thinking I owed him at least that for cheating on him.

Answer 1

Every person deserves to know who their parents are, what their heritage is and where they come from. No one has a right to deny that to anyone. Similarly; no one has the right to deny a parent the knowledge of their children.

What if you went in for surgery, and your eggs were stolen to produce children for other women? Would that be okay? I bet most people would say, "no". What if your child was switched at birth, and you didn't find out until the child was older? Wouldn't every parent want to know the truth about that? What about the fertility doctor who was convicted of using his own sperm to impregnate his clients? He is a creep, but his children still deserve to know that he is their father. Of course they shouldn't be told until they become adults, because children can't handle that kind of information.

The real problem here seems to be your relationship with your boyfriend. I don't think he is right to threaten you with abandonment. If he was secure in his fatherhood; then he wouldn't feel threatened by another man entering the picture. He also needs to really look up the definition of "immoral". You should consider that perhaps the two of you are not compatible enough to be married. This is a significant and serious difference in child rearing beliefs, which is very important since the two of you already have a child. Somtimes love just isn't enough.

Good luck sweetie. Lisa.

Answer 2

Here's another perspective: my husband has a daughter who is not his biological daughter (from his ex-wife). He was with her before the child was born, and has been her "Daddy" for her whole life - she's now 9. For whichever reason, they've decided not to tell her who her real father is. She and I got into a conversation the other day, where she said she knew that her last name wasn't our last name when she was born. I asked her what she would think if she found out the daddy she's known her whole life (my husband) isn't her real daddy. She said "he's been my daddy and always will be my daddy, no matter what." This is the perspective of the child. I can't say it's the same situation with everyone, but if your fiance is raising the baby as his own, then that means a lot. Even real biological fathers (and mothers) aren't always the best, it's who's there, in the moment, providing and loving the child that makes the difference.

Answer 3

Interesting scenario which you have presented.

I feel that all human beings should be entitled to know who their true birth parents are. Perhaps not at an early age but by the time they reach the age of majority, I feel they have a right to know.

Not perhaps for the reasons that you've outlined though. Your fiance feels that not being his father and loving the boy is enough .... well ... what happens if for some reason your son requires a bone marrow transplant or some other kind of organ donation? Love will not conquer this ... he would have a chance to survive by using his birth parents as donors.

As for the self-esteem issue .... I was raised from the age of 6 by my mother and her boyfriend, whom to this day I still call "Uncle". He was there everyday ... provided for our family ... set boundaries and standards for me. We didn't always get along but .... yes I'm happy to have him in my life now that my mother has passed away. But I always knew where to locate my birth father (who has also passed away in the meantime). Being over 50 years old now, I don't feel that I have any self-esteem issues ... if anything ... I feel that I have become a stronger individual from all the challenges that I faced growing up.

Love is a wonderful thing but can't heal many of the problems a human being may encounter.

I'm hoping that you and your fiance are able to sort this all out and not involve your innocent 3 year old son in this process. His birth father may not even want anything to do with the child .... but it is still a good idea to have record of this man for the sake of your son's future.

Just my thoughts .... the advise given here is worth exactly what it cost you! ;) Best of luck to all of you!

Answer 4

no, I agree with your husband.

a father is not the donor of the sperm that caused conception, he is the man who raised and nurtured, taught, and bonded with the child.

if you are not with the actual paternal father in a relationship, and do not know where (or maybe even who) the father is, then theres probably a reason for that..they were not fit to be the father.

I would not do the injustice to your husband, to take away the right of being father to the child.

I would also say that the child should have no doubt that the man he has called Dad for his whole life, is in fact his father.

it may be a false truth, but it is not a burden the child should have to live with.

this is assuming that your husband is an able, and caring parent, and that you feel he is fit for the role. (obviously if this had been a few years into the marriage, there should be no question..in a 'perfect' world)

Answer 5

It depends on who the father is. If the real biological father turned out to be a decent, caring person, then sure! Why not? But there are DEFINITELY situations where it is best to keep your child away from the real father. If the real father is an abuser, drug addict, or alcoholic; then exposing your child to that kind of behavior or environment could be hazardous to your child's welfare and development.

I think you are right that father-child relationships are important, but I disagree with your definition of "father." The fact is that who the "father" is biologically is irrelevant to the child's life and welfare. A real father is whatever male agrees to be the primary man and influence in the household of a child. A father is the person who cares for the child, loves that child, and takes an active part in raising that child. The guy who deposited his sperm and took off is not a father. He is a deadbeat. I wouldn't want my son to know that person. If he/she wants to pursue that route as an adult, then they are free to. While they are a developing child, however, it is not a good idea.

That said, you may be correct about the motives of your boyfriend. In your situation, however, if it turned out your boyfriend was not the father, whether or not I bothered to track down the kid's real father would be totally dependent on who the father was. Whoever it is, they are responsible for providing child support for that child, but be careful what you wish for. Whoever the guy is, if he chooses to participate with the child, he is going to be an influence. Do you want just anyone to influence who your childs becomes? I don't think so.

In any case, you are lucky to be with a decent guy who would care about the welfare of your child, even if it turned out it wasn't his. His motives might be questionable... but he is probably right. It all depends on who that "dad" turned out to be.

Answer 6

I had a long diatribe here in which I agree with your husband, but I think everyone else has covered that. So let me say this instead:

I think a couple with a young son already has plenty to worry about without having an argument about a HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION THAT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN. My advice to you, take it or leave it, is to stop creating problems for yourselves that you don't even need, and for the love of God, stop watching talk shows, because they only make you crazy. Especially Maury Povich, because he likes rubbing people's noses in what they did wrong and making it look like he's only there to help, when in fact he's trying to aggravate the situation.

Answer 7

I think that if you wanted to find out so that at an appropriate age you could offer the information to your son, that would be okay, BUT to force such information on him at a young age could be harmful and I would say selfish on your part. So, I agree with you both at different times. When the child is old enough to understand and want to know then let him know about the biological father, until then, the daddy who is there IS his real dad!

Answer 8

Are you stopping to think that if a father is just a sperm donor that they can actually do quite a bit of emotional damage to a child and if they are getting that love elsewhere that that is what is important. I do believe in honesty and telling a child that that in't their real parent and let them do with it as they will in due time.

Your fiance is right. You are allowing your personal experiences to do something that may not be right in other situations. I don't think it is at all a way to have revenge. That is a crazy thought! His love to your child is revenge for having another man's child??? Did you listen to that? Read it again... and again... I'm apalled! Tell him the truth and stick to the facts. But the deadbeat is a deadbeat and you aren't going to change that fact.

Answer 9

I think you need to stop arguing over something that hasn't happened to you. I also think you are both right. If your son has known one person as there father you should keep that person in his life as long as they are not harming the child. However you are right in wanting to find the real father, if nothing else than family medical reasons. Then if both men are good to the child keep them both in his life. The more loving people a child has in their life the better chance they have of becoming a good person.

Answer 10

i do think its immoral and sometimes it can go very wrong. any boy can be a father but only a man who cares and loves about the child truly deserves to be called a Dad. sometimes children build up an illusion of " what if's" about a father they've never met & usually He turns out to be nothing that the child expected & it can hurt the child more than it can help him. so i would say if a true Man is more than willing to care for a son that is not his, then i would allow it and not look for false hopes...