I have no maternal instinct?

Question

I am thirty one. I have a son who will be three in a months time. I love him very much yet I have no maternal instinct. I feel like I am a nanny or babysitter when I am with him instead of his mother. I am ashamed that I feel this way. He was not unplanned. I am married and have a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, and a fantastic career but I don't think I am as connected to my son as I should be. I see other mothers gushing over their children and wanting to be home with them but I just don't feel that way. I spend as much time with him as I can but I have never gotten too attached. My son deserves a mother that is crazy about him. He is a beautiful, charming, intelligent, and well behaved boy. What is wrong with me?

Answer 1

You are clearly uncomfortable with things as they are. The key here is whether or not YOU feel something is wrong. Are you having a lack of passion or interest in other areas of you life - for things you used to enjoy more? Post-partum depression can come on late in a child's life. It doesn't have to be right after birth. Think about talking with a professional about all of this. Are there times when you feel more connected to your child, such as during vacations? Maybe you are just overworked and too stressed out. It is a tough juggling act to be a mom who "has it all".

Good luck. Lisa.

Answer 2

Nothing is wrong with you. Depsite what u may think not every mother has the mushy gushy feelings towards their kids, some just love them alot and like you just feel a bit out of place. Its not something wrong with you, it is just being human. alot of women feel as you do...whats important is you do actually have maternal instinct..you just beleive that this instinct is what most mothers call their deep love for their kids...its not.. theis instinct is just the simple caring for your baby as a human being. Do not feel guilty for not wanting to be home wiht him all the time..your the independant sort as far as this goes.. most mothers go through this phase were they only want to be alone becuase they feel stuck in the mom role and that can defintly be taxing...dont fret, everythign will be fine.

Answer 3

wether or not you have any maternal instinct or not makes no difference at all.. you are a loving and caring mommy.. this is what counts the most.. there is a book called "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". this book may not be necessary at all but it couldn't hurt. be his mommy be a good friend to your girlfriends and a great wife to your hubby . and when you die everyone will cry..that's how you will know you have won..

Answer 4

The first thing is to try not to beat yourself up over your perceived lack of maternal instinct. There could be plenty of legitimate reasons for it, none of which mean you're a bad mom or you don't love your child.

One of the most likely (I think) is that maybe you will enjoy him once he's a little older, able to carry on conversations and do more things with you. I found it difficult to closely bond with my kids when they were babies, until they were two or three, just because I enjoy children more when they're a little older. I felt horrible the first year and a half, and then my aunt (who is a wonderful mom of two teenage boys) told me that when her kids were babies, she loved them, but she didn't feel all that close to them until they were two or three, and able to "do stuff".

My own mom enjoys babies in small spurts, but she's not the type to just be overly-lovey. She's not all that affectionate, and she's very analytical in her day-to-day life, and that definately translated in her raising of my sisters and me. We know that it doesn't mean she doesn't (or didn't) love us, it just wasn't her way to just gush affection and love all the time. When we were older, we did tell her how we felt, and she has changed somewhat with grandbabies, but not completely. Her way of showing love (even with small children) is more in doing productive things that the person needs, rather than being affectionate and touchy-feely.

I will say, if you feel like there's been a change, like at one time you remember feeling bonded with your son, and that's changed, you may want to look into talking to a doctor. I have depression, and when I'm off my meds, I notice some real changes with how I feel about my kids, and how I treat them. They know I love them, but when I'm not taking care of myself, I find I'm a LOT less interested in cuddling on the bed on Saturday morning, or playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with them on the Nintendo. Depression has a way of making you feel blah, so even though you love your kids (and spouse), you basically just aren't really *feeling* it.

Even when I'm medicated, I don't spend all day wishing I could be home with them. I did the stay-at-home mom thing for four years. It wasn't good for any of us. I enjoy my kids more now that I'm feeling useful, and they're learning and enjoying having friends at school.

Your statement about how your son "deserves a mother that is crazy about him" makes me kind of worry. Your son deserves to know that you love him. Whether you show him that by cuddling him or by letting him help make dinner at night, just make sure that he knows.

Try hard not to be ashamed of who you are. Everyone can find improvements that need to be made on themselves, but in the long run, we are what our kids got, and it's our job to make that work. I know families (mine was like this) that are not demonstrative in the least as far as affection goes. My sisters and I are still not all that demonstrative, but I think we all make a conscious decision to be a little better at it than our parents were.

Comparing your feelings about your son to other mothers' feelings about their children can only be damaging. It can lead to you feeling like a horrible mom, or make you fake the gushiness just because that's what you think you're supposed to be like, and eventually, your son and you will both know that that's not the truth of who you are.

On a side note, you're probably more attached than you think you are. I think that, if something were to happen to your son, you'd realize that feeling of wanting to go to the ends of the Earth, if it would help him. Sometimes, in the day-to-day grind, it's easy to forget that and get lost in fish sticks, juice boxes, diapers and carpooling. But that doesn't mean it's not there.

Answer 5

you probably have post partum depression.
I would go speak to the doctor.
I felt the same way when my daughter was born, that I loved her but had no bond. I went to speak to someone and it really helped. My mom also took her overnight some times to give me a break.
It's hard but you will get there. Please speak to someone-there is nothing wrong with getting some help-your body goes through a heck of alot.
Good luck honey

Answer 6

Honestly I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You love your son just as much as those mothers who "gush". I adopted my son when he was 3, and it took several years for me to totally bond with him. So just give yourself some time. It'll be okay.

Answer 7

Sounds like u need to do more bonding things with him. I felt like that after my daughter was born but I found out I was depressed and that was the reason why.

Answer 8

Wow !!!! that's really impressive. Probably you haven't valued the meaning of being a mother. Right now I am really interested been a mother and I haven't been able. I have so many persons around me that are parents and they feel so happy about it. Even parents with sons and daughter that are 20 and 21 years and that's their happiness. Probably with time you will develop that feeling. Right now babies are really demanding, but when he start growing you will enjoy it more. Try to think that around your kids is what your live is going to be. With time a lot of friends dissapear and when you need something is your kid, the one you have on your arms right now, who's going to take care of you and who's going to be next to you. Good Luck

Answer 9

You could be going through some sort of depression and not even know it. You should talk to a doctor who could possibly refer you to some sort of psychotherapist