My boyfriend is codependent and I am super independent. I genuinely love and care about him, but his 'helpfulness' is irritating to all ends. I also feel that his behavior almost brings out the uglier aspects of my personality as I can be dominant and independent where he is not. It seems like I am being abusive / mean to him, but his self pitying behavior is encouraging/validating it. In relationships I have been in before, if I did something wrong, the boyfriend would just call me on it. I know its my responsibility and I would deal with it, but with my curent bf I feel like I am controlling everything in the relationship and I dont like it.
People seem to like my bf since he is so 'helpful' but I know that he is just insecure. I think that our relationship is no longer healthy and because of this it has an expiration date which I am not looking forward to. I want to work with him to try to work this out, but I dont even know how we could do that. What would you do?
2007-03-26 02:01:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
There are additional details regarding this which I did not mention beyond unhealthy boundaries such as lieing. Thanks all of you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.
2007-03-26 10:13:37 · update #1
Talk to him about the problem that you are having. Tell him how you feel and ask for a change. If you dont see the change and feel that you need to separate from that person, then do it.
2007-03-26 02:07:47 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Gosh, this sounds like the relationship I was in last year. He constantly needed affirmation that he was nice enough, sweet enough, good enough in bed, etc. It went on and on and on and on until, just like you said, his behavior brought out an ugly part of me. I tried to talk to him about it, and he just whined some more. I told him he needed to be more confident and stop seeking validation from me so much. He'd go a day then say "Hey, I haven't asked you if I was good enough today. Isn't that good?" I finally had to dump him because the stress of making sure he was happy all the time was killing me. If you can't deal with him anymore, and talking doesn't work, then move on. You'll be glad you did.
2007-03-26 09:42:58 · answer #2 · answered by misguidedrose18 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to ask yourself a few things:
-Do you love him?
-Do you think that you will be happier alone?
-Does he have any good qualities and do these qualities matter to you?
If you are not comfortable in a relationship and have feelings of wanting to get out of it that right there is not healthy nore fair to either of you.
There must have been something that attracted you to him, is that gone or is it still there and you are just used to it?
There is a lesson to be learned about yourself here, you are taking advantage of someone who may be sweet and accepting you and loving you for the way you are. Maybe he is attracted to your attitude. Maybe he loves your independence and thinks it compliments his codependence well.
You are being mean and unappreciative to your boyfriend and it's not fair to hima nd he doesn't deserve that. End it before he really gets hurt and you will feel guilty for along time.
2007-03-26 10:14:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I doubt that you are super independent , because if you were this wouldnt be an issue , you are independent , and he is well ...dependent on you.
you either give him an ultimatum , or tell him the last thing you are going to do for him is grab his shoes , clothes , and the door .. you dont need this .. I understand your situation , and you need someone who will at least give you a hand .. good luck
2007-03-26 09:10:24 · answer #4 · answered by DSV 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good luck with that. Seriously. My husband of 7 years was co-dependant for a long time. It actually took me leaving for him to stop. Tried talking, arguing, counseling, getting advice from family and friends before, But in my case, it took leaving.
2007-03-26 09:06:06 · answer #5 · answered by Jennifer G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm. If he's insecure, I think it would be a good idea for YOU to help HIM out. Let him know what a great guy he is and ask for his opinion more often. Show him that you'd appreciate and enjoy it if he'd make the decisions sometimes.
2007-03-26 09:05:57 · answer #6 · answered by :) 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
End it now before you windup hurting his feelings, you and he both deserve better.
2007-03-26 09:07:08 · answer #7 · answered by James B 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋