Women who leave their children-is it just unadulterated selfishness or not?

Question

Watched 'women who leave their children' the other day and while in some cases the women were clearly in need of medical help when they left and deeply regretted the abandonment the majority(and I'm aware it's TV so it's biased) seemed to have got on with their 'single' life and indulged their career, either not seeing or seeing at their own convenience their child(ren).

While I genuinely believe that in the main the abandonment of your children is a selfish act I at the same time feel quite uncomfortable with that conclusion.

I feel like I should be trying to find a reason to qualify their actions-why is that?

Is it unadulterated selfishness? And is it just me who feels strangely obliged to justify their actions?

-I know that it's both men AND women(and it's not right either way) but somehow the fact that men run off and just 'do their own thing' doesn't strike the same 'WHAT??' cord with me...

Roberta, I like the 'you're young' comment-increasingly at 35 I wonder whether my views and I are antiquated beyond my years-can't wait for 50! lol

evilbunny I see what you're getting at but that's not what I was saying, quite clearly men leaving their children high and dry are equally guilty of abhorrent behaviour but when Mums do it it seems worse somehow because they're just not supposed to. see what I'm saying??

Answer 1

It is the same as men that refuse to take responsibility for their own children. My Father-in-Law (Who passed away last week) got custody of his 3 kids from his first marriage when his wife took off with their neighbor. She rarely ever saw them as they were growing up. When she was in her early 70's all of a sudden she decided that she wanted to have a relationship with them. Their step-mom is the one that raised them (From the time the youngest was 6 months-old) and they have a closer relationship with her. I had 3 miscarriages before having my son and I could NEVER imagine leaving and not seeing him. He is my life. Nothing else matters.

Answer 2

I have just had the worse 2 years of my life.
Without going into too much details I have suffered PND, been beaten unconcious by my ex, had to live in 2 refuges (NOT fun) and I can honestly say not for one second did i EVER consider leaving my two little girls.
It isnt their fault all this crap happened so why make them suffer too??
The only time I would ever think of leaving is if I thought i would be a physical danger to them...and that is never going to happen.

I know its sexist but i do feel that it is slightly worse if a woman abandons her kids than a man, in that the woman has carried that child for 9 months & felt it kicking and growing inside her.
At the end of the day the man just donated his sperm!

Answer 3

Didnt see the programme so can't specifically comment. Only thing that immediately sprung to mind was "why just women"?? How many men "got on with their 'single' life and indulged their career"? Why arent there any programmes for them?

Generally I think ANYONE who doesnt step up to the responsibilities of parenthood are pretty selfish. How can we expect future generations to be well rounded without a stable environment. However, a stable environment can still come from career parents- as long as the kids are aware they are well loved.

We live in a time when our own feelings and wants are put first.... pretty selfish but its not a gender thing. Its societal and women shouldnt be branded selfish if men are able to do it without being judged.....

Answer 4

I can understand it if there are medical issues, as you stated, but for the others where their career or hobbies are more important to them and they just want the single life - why did they have the children in the first place?

I could never be without my two sons, even when things are tough (I'm a single parent) its them that get me through it.

My sons dad only contacts them when it suits him, he has the single life I think he always wanted which begs the question why did he marry and have kids. Its his loss at the end of the day, the longer he goes on like this the less likely the boys are to want any contact.

Answer 5

I may be being judgemental here,but I can see absolutely no reason whatsoever for a mother to leave her children.

There is never,unless she is an abuser,a good excuse to do it,whether it be because the children will suffer from having no money or not having the best of everything,that doesn't matter.

There are so many organisations to help her if she has children and wants to keep them with her (as in an abused wife scenario)she doesn't have to leave them.

So,I do believe it to be unadulterated selfishness,the child will never have a happy life knowing it was abandoned by the one person who should love and care for you unconditionally.

Answer 6

I didn't see it but wish I had. I suppose all circumstances are different.
My 2 step-daughters haven't seen their mum in over a year, not since the day she left and she has made no effort at all in seeing them or contacting them. She also has another daughter who now lives with her gran because her mum didn't want her either.

My son (19) hasn't had any contact with his dad since he was 5 years old.

Again though you have to look at the circumstances. My fella's ex is an alcoholic and cannot even look after herself so she has her own reasons not to care.

Answer 7

men who leave their kid's get called every name under the sun, why not the same for women. some women realise when it is too late that they do not want a family, some are depressed and blame the family, or some are just selfish and will do whatever they want regardless of consequences. either way i think society is right to ostracise these women. you have to make sacrifices for a family except it and do your best. if not better off jumping from a bridge.

Answer 8

I think no one likes to judge in our society and that's why you have the conflict.
Secondly, you are no doubt a Feeler personality (go to humanmetrics.com to take the free personality test, then go to personalitypage.com to see what it means). Therefore, you don't like to judge another person. It makes you feel bad, conflicted to do so.
You are also probably a P personality too, so you feel like maybe there is more info that you haven't been given that would shed light on what to you is reprehensible behavior.
Don't worry, you are just young. I also didn't like to call a spade a spade when I was younger. Once I hit 50, it is so true, you no longer care that you sound judgmental. You just weigh each situation and you just bluntly tell it like it is, and you don't care about the fall-out.
I recommend turning 50 to every Feeler (like me). Very liberating.

Answer 9

It takes a lot to raising children, patience, love, understanding, compassion and lots of money. A mother knows what she can provide for her child. As long as they are willing to give their children a better, brighter future with someone else it's better than leaving them in a trash can or killing it.

Answer 10

ummm...wot abt MEN who leave their children? or is that just acceptable? dnt get me wrong, i fink if u hav a kid u suldn;t leave 'em, but dnt make women out 2 b the badies when they do it and men 'playas' cuz they can shag n go.