Excerpt here from the beginning of a low-magic, modern-day-setting fantasy novel I'm working on. I know the writing is clear, and so forth. I am curious if it grabs people to keep reading, though. Please note a bit of cursing (including one F-bomb), a matter-of-fact protagonist thinking about sex ('screwing'), and a bar setting to the scene, if any would offend you. The story is pitched to adults/mature teenagers.
I'm also nervous about using the term 'gypsy,' given that it's inaccurate and un-PC, but decided to run with it as it's what the female character would think, not Rroma, and it's her voice in this opening bit.
http://kls1981.googlepages.com
2007-03-25 21:46:19 · 9 answers · asked by Kate S 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I would use Rom, but the problem is Hannah isn't educated enough to use it, so I was sticking with her word choice at the risk of coming off offensive.
No title yet. I've only gotten through the first three chapters, and I'm lousy at titles. :)
2007-03-25 22:20:22 · update #1
To unnua: Where specifically was it trite? Feel free to point out particular problems. I don't mean it to be anything more than genre fiction, and am not trying for great literature, so don't set the bar higher than I have.
2007-03-25 22:27:46 · update #2
I liked it. I am not skilled at literary critique but I enjoyed that.
A suggestion though... capitalize the word "Gypsy". Romanies can get very touchy if the word is uncapitalized. In actuality, if he has any knowledge of HIS culture, he shall use the term "Romani" or "Roma" or "Rom" (he might spell it with two "r"s, like "Rromani"). I would not expect Hannah to know this and would expect her to use the word "Gypsy". If I were you I would bring in a discussion about that between him and the young lady.
Of course, I liked that he is a good looking fellow because we all know that Romani are all good looking. Ok, I might be biased because I am Romani. ;)
I hope you intergrate some of his culture into this. You obviously have him somewhat unfamiliar with things such as a jukebox so you have a perfect opportunity to do that. Also, if he is not integrated into Western society enough to know what a jukebox is or care about football (I hate football too, by the way), he would have a Romani accent, either thick or slight, because he was obviously born somewhere and was probably raised with the Romani. He would also speak Romanes, most likely, as well as English.
If you are interested in Romani culture, email me and I can send you some links.
One of the things I have trouble with as a reader is too much detail in a scene, aka Anne Rice. Anne Rice bogs a book down with detail. I did not see this as a problem in your scene but I just want to caution you as to something I, myself, have a problem with.
Keep up the good work.
2007-03-28 07:43:07 · answer #1 · answered by j 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, but judging by the excerpt, I probably wouldn't read the novel. You definitely have talent, and this excerpt of yours is much better than most of the amateur stories or book excerpts people post on the Internets, but I wouldn't call it exactly gripping, either.
Although you have a good sense of style, the entire scene seemed all too common. A quiet mysterious stranger, probably more dangerous than he seems, a backwater town, and a girl to whom the before mentioned stranger will eventually confess all his sins and secrets. At least that's the impression I got. The story reads rough at parts, too.
If I were you I'd practice on writing lots and lots of short stories before attempting a novel, so that you could develop and refine your style of writing in different settings. Not to mention that having to constantly think of something new and original for every short story you write would make a nice challenge.
2007-03-26 08:10:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, now I want to read more! A good novel begins with a great first line and keeps you flipping pages from there on!
Keep writing it!
2007-03-26 05:14:29 · answer #3 · answered by Skippy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry... I found the writing rather trite, though I think you show promise. Keep practicing and studying the craft.
2007-03-26 05:21:10 · answer #4 · answered by unnua 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes I would . I thought it interesting.
If you don't want to use gypsy try Rom or Romany.
What is the title?
2007-03-26 05:18:05 · answer #5 · answered by Bashful Reader 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well done. Don't worry about being PC - not in a novel. It will be too confining.
2007-03-26 06:45:03 · answer #6 · answered by ericscribener 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very nice - i think gypsy in the context is fine. i was very intrigued.
2007-03-26 04:55:26 · answer #7 · answered by shassy70 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes, it's a story on my taste. curious to find out more...
2007-03-26 05:32:20 · answer #8 · answered by Analyst 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All I can say is...........MORE!!! Love it..........now hungering to read it.
2007-03-26 08:08:45 · answer #9 · answered by TJ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋