Would like advice from those who are married.?

Question

My husband and I are newly weds. We have two kids together.
He's a wonderful person sometimes and at times he's totally the opposite. He has called me out of my name couple of times. Lately on when I did question him about that, he changed his story and said I did not called you the B word, I said "you were acting like one" is there a difference? Before this I was called the B word sometime back in junior high and the boy that called me that is still tooth less about a decade later. He also yells which really bothers me. My own parents never yelled at me, what gives him the right? He has never hit me, but he is verbally abusive. I really want to work this out for the sake of out family I just don't want to call it QUITS. Please help, what am I doing wrong? My parents have been together for 35yrs and I have never seen them fight, seems like we're fighting everytime just about everything. I don't want the kids to see us fighting. Thanks!!!

Answer 1

Don't stay because of the kids. They are seeing mommy and daddy fighting and it is very scary to them. You need to go to therapy together before it gets worse.

Answer 2

You married him and are newlyweds but you already have two kids together? Some parts that are relevant to this story are not in your question so it makes it harder to answer. Your standards are higher than some wives have - if someone considers divorce for the B word, it is a sign that they'll divorce for just about anything. He yells? But your own parents never yelled at you - well, who said he is your parent? And you have never seen your parents fight - but you are shocked that you are fighting in your own marriage and don't want the kids to see that? I think you have to realize that this is marriage, not a prize you won at the carnival and now you can talk about how cheesy that prize is and how you were 'gypped'!
I congratulate you on getting as far as you did, having children and at least tying the knot. But some marital counseling will help you a lot - and you will be surprised when the counselor has some advice for you about growing up in the marriage.

Answer 3

Never let your kids see or hear you two fight.
Newlyweds and you already want to call it quits...
Sounds like you two were getting along great until you married. You need to let him know how you feel about that word and that he needs to start showing his respect for you as well. No trick to it...put your foot down!!
You'll always have your spats and what not...but when it comes to name calling, the subject of discussion becomes lost and reason no longer carries any weight on the matter at hand. At that point one or the other needs to just walk out for some air until you both learn how to approach one-another in a calm and rational manner
Some might say "the love is dying"...Not so...The sooner you get him to pull that hair out of his a s s (what really bothers him) it should be a much better atmosphere in the house.
Surviving these little spats without turning into something worse and going through these in the course of a marriage, is part of the bonding in a marriage. But you both need to add good times with these as well.
We already know that "love" "trust" and "honesty" are key elements in a lasting marriage...but there are two others that always seem to get over-looked...and they are "reason" and "accountability" or acceptance of accountability.
It's never easy, if you both really care, and the love is genuine enough between you two to prevent it fromletting it all go, you guys will always find ways to work it out. Much more difficult today with the need for both spouses having to work just to make ends meet.
If something bothers you, don't let it build up, SPEAK UP, and this applies to him as well. It only gets worse if you keep holding it in, which, in turn, becomes a yelling match instead of a discussion
GOOD LUCK TO THE BOTH OF YOU
I won't say "You need to leave him" because I only see one side of the coin. And I don't hear HIS story, so advice against him would not be fair to him in the least bit. I'd rather not give advice, but share with you what worked, not only for us, most primarily for the kids, and for the sake of the kids as well...

Answer 4

I don't think you can do this without professional help. Does he know you are feeling abused by him? There is no difference between calling you names and saying you are acting like a B. Does he know how hard this is for you? It seems like you are fighting around the real problem -- what is the real problem? The fighting and the harsh words are there because you two can't find a way to talk about what is really bothering you both. A marriage therapist can help you clear the air between you and get out the real issues -- put them on the table without anger and heat...

Answer 5

Ask him if when there is an issue if he would please join you in the bedroom so the kids don't have to view it. Talk to him and just tell him when he says your acting like a b**** it hurts the same as if he just said it flat out. Tell him the yelling really bothers you and ask him what things you are doing to him that he doesn't like or that hurt him. Make a pact to work on it together and keep the lines of communications very open. My hubby and I went through it but as long as you talk to the man you love as if you were falling in love with him all over again everyday and show him that you are not picking you are trying to fix it so you both are happy and healthy for the rest of your lives if he loves you back he will listen.

Answer 6

You are just going to have to talk to him, without being confrontational, and tell him that using the B word in any kind of reference to you is unacceptable. Don't wait until he says it and then jump all over him and fight about it; do it while you're both calm and when the kids are out of the room. Tell him exactly what you are saying in your question--that he's a wonderful person, but that sometimes he isn't. You also have to let him talk about the things that are bothering him. If he says you act like a ***** sometimes, then there must be a reason for that.

You just got married, so there must be something there. I hope you guys can work things out.

Answer 7

Neither of you should be calling each other out of their name. Make sure you are not call him out of his name as well. It sounds like this is not something that happens often so I don't think it will be a problem as long as you both address the issue. Couples fight and that just comes with the territory. The place both of you have to get to is fighting in a manner that 1) is not in front of the kids and 2) does not get abusive. you can have disagreements with out the 2 things happening.
In most situations though, it take two to tango.

Answer 8

My husband and I always fight, at least once or twice a week. We sometimes become verbally abusive out of anger. But we always openly talk after all the negative emotions are gone. We make sure we patch things up. We don't talk while we're still mad at each other. Shutting each other off doesn't help as well. Most men always shut down in this situation so I'm always the first to open up. fighting is a part of married lives.

http://lanispage.blogspot.com/

Answer 9

I hear you I understand that this may be causes you a lot of stress, but the only thing you can do is to try to talk to your husband about the way he is making you feel and that calling you names its the way to go. It hard to be married and not fight but in a marriage respect is one thing a person should not violate. He should respect you and you should respect him at all times especially around the children. I hope that he really would sit and listen to you and change. Good luck.

Answer 10

I think what you are undergoing is so common among most couples. After the joy of courtship is over and after being married for several years, the love in marriage decreases. Expectations take over the love!! You are my wife and I expect this from you, you are my husband, I expect this from you.. this becomes the norm.

You have to fight to make this marriage work.. Fight with love.. Fight with logic, Fight with intelligence.. Be tactful in your dealings. Be professional in your actions.. Don't use the word "B" on him... Love the man you married!!

You sound responsible and I am sure you can keep this marriage if you try.. Good luck!!

Answer 11

Honestly he is in denial he has a problem, something I have been going through w/my own husband, it's really bad now, our children are teens and this has affected our children so much, I am dealing with some serious stuff. You might want to read my question about, "How I like to help others..." It is called verbal abuse, and mental abuse, because it leads to severe trauma later on...