Ok if ultimatums dont work then what can i do?

Question

I asked befor eif ultimatums work, the general consensus is no. Tell me then, what can you do if your in a marriage tried to talk but it never gets you anywhere, and you beleive that counselling may provide skills to help. But when you have tried to go they find every excuse under the sun not to, what do you do then?

Answer 1

Start making your arrangements to move on !!

Answer 2

Sometimes ultimatums can work but you should never make empty ultimatums - they should be with a threat of something you can carry out and then be prepared to do it. It sounds as if you have said 'counselling or I leave' but he is not prepared to go to counselling and you are not really willing to leave yet.

You could try talking to your spouse about why they don't want to go to counselling and you could try to explain why you think it will help - try some negotiation - would they go once just for you and it they feel it's not helping after one session then you won't force the issue again.

A lot of people find the prospect of talking to a stranger about the 'secrets' in their life very intimidating. So you could try the self help route. When my partner and I reached crisis point six years ago I found a book called 'Relationship Rescue' very helpful - you can still get it in Amazon.

If you feel your relationship is having problems due to behavioural problems that you share - for instance communication - then going to counselling alone at first might help a bit - or might show how you are benefitting from it - you might even be able to teach the skills to your spouse. But if the problems are due to his behaviour (driking, temper etc) then I think that ultimately an ultimatum is the best weapon in your arsenal. Give him a deadline and stick to it - allow him his way. Say to him I want to see you stop drinking (or whatever) by X date, I don't care how you find your way through it and I will support you in whatever way you ask but if I don't see significant improvement then I will feel forced to move on with my life and leave.'

Good luck

Answer 3

I seriously doubt anybody here can answer this question. If they could, they'd be busy getting awards and pulitzer prizes for being able to answer one of the oldest questions in the world... what to do with a wayward spouse.

My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are and there just isn't a "magic" trick or any one certain thing that will work. I suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk. And probably more than one. Tell your spouse that you simply don't know what else to do. Tell him you want this relationship to work because you love him. Tell him he's messing up, but he has the power to fix the relationship if he'll just be faithful to you (or whatever you need to say). Be exact and define the problem and the steps he needs to take. Own up to your part in whatever, too, and explain that you are willing to make changes too. Tell him that you're giving him the ability to fix this because he now knows exactly what the problem is, and you'll work with him to take care of it.

This firmly puts the ball in his court. His response will let you know whether the relationship can be saved or not. I sure hope you have a better outcome than I did, because mine went and looked up the number of an old girlfriend. Told me right quick exactly where I stood -- out in the cold. (That's okay. I'm past it and happily engaged to be married, hopefully some time this year.)

Back to your situation.... you may have a long, hard road ahead but don't give up. You'll get past it, too, with or without him. Sounds like your heart's already been broken a gazillion times, and for that I'm sorry. I do hope it works out with him. Some men just need clear instructions in the relationship maintenance department and they will respond if they can ever get a clue. Maybe he's one of those. I sure hope so.

Answer 4

The very best ultimatum is followed by an action. I personally believe ultimatums are great if there is a consequence. After giving an ultimatum if he/she don't change.... leave. If it was meant to be it will be. Once he realize that he screwed up and you aren't going to tolerate it. He will come back a changed man when he ready to change. You can't force a person to do what they don't wanna do.

Answer 5

Let's say you put forth an ultimatum to your spouse to go to counseling and he or she agrees, out of sheer fear of the consequences. Do you think he will get anything out of the counseling now?

In order for counseling to be of any help, both parties have to be in the process 100%. Both you and your spouse have to be willing to put forth the effort to fix what is broken. If it is only one-sided, it will only make things worse.

Since you are the only one attempting to find a resolution to your marital problems, you have two choices, deal with it or leave. You have made every effort to get your spouse as motivated as you, without success. The best thing to do now is work on you and the best way to deal with the issue or the best way to leave it. Good luck to you. :)

Answer 6

My spouse has been married before, and went to counsiling with her and it didnt work. So now he is completely against it, and when we were going through a rough patch he refused to go with me.

I dont know what you were planning on saying for an ultimatume... like if you dont go to counciling with me I am leaving? It may of worked, but for counciling itself to work, both parties have to be willing.

What my spouse and I ended up doing, was going out to a resturant, and sitting there talking about our problems. This helped us not yell at eachother because their was other people around, and none of us walked away while talking. I cried a few times in some resturants... so maybe dont go to one that you would go to regularly hehe. But honestly, it was the only time that we would REALLY listen to eachother, because thats all we had to concentrate on, there were no other distraction.

Thats how we worked it out, without a counciler. It was hard, and I still think it would of been easy with a counciler. Because what happened a few times is we hated going out with eachother because it was always like fighting. And then sometimes we would come home pissed and distant. But it was the only way to get through it.

So maybe if your spouse wont go to counciling. Ask him to go out to eat with you, so you guys can talk. And if he still doesnt listen then. Hes unwilling. And you should move on with your life.

Answer 7

Go to counseling yourself. One of two things may happen. You will gain coping skills that will help you in your marriage. Or, you will learn that you honor yourself by getting out of the marriage. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, ask him what he is afraid of? Does he think the marriage is worth saving? Is he willing to work at saving it? If your ultimatum was for him to go to counseling or you split, why not go to counseling yourself? If you're thinking of splitting, get some skills and mental preparation for it...through counseling. All counseling does not try to save marriages. If you go yourself, you may learn how to save yourself.

Answer 8

You can't change a person. If they don't want to make the effort to change the situation, and you have made a concerted effort to make the relationship work, but are still unhappy and can't live with whatever the problem is, you may have to move on.

Life is too short to wake up angry, and go to bed angry everyday.

Answer 9

you have to walk away. an ultimatum doesn't work if the other person knows you will not follow thru. "i love you but i will not come back until you get help. i will be here for you every step of the way if you decide to get help."

Answer 10

You go to counseling without your mate. And let your mate know you are going. Your mate may go just so he/she has the opportunity to tell that side of the story or issues. If nothing else, the counseling WILL help you.

Answer 11

go to the therapy yourself, change u first, and how u see life. than u may be able to see him differently. once u get therapy u may see what the trouble is, and depending on what it is, that u will be able to make a decision if u want to stay in the relationship or leave it. u deal with u first, than deal with what to do with him.