Do I try and win back my wife of 33 years?

Question

My wife left me 6 weeks ago, saying we have nothing in common any more. She tells me she would have left years ago if she had been braver. She says she doesn't want to come back and that whatever we had is not there for her now. I love her deeply and can't imagine living without her. She says that she would like a friendship of sorts. What the hell does that mean? Neither of us are involved with anyone else.

I have been offered a job in Lanzarote, Do I take it, or do I hang around making myself miserable waiting for her?

Answer 1

First off, I'm so sorry...

Secondly, my advise for you is the same as I gave my daughter when she was hoping to win the affection of a guy she was in love with. A person either loves you or they don't. You can't make someone love you, but you can help them realize if they do by giving them some space. I wish that it wasn't human nature, but most of the time, people want what they can't have :-(

You can't control fate. If it's meant to be, it will happen regardless of whether or not you go to Lanzarote or not. I feel that you must take the job offer.

If you wait around for your wife, you will jeopardize your chances at a better future for yourself. Plus, the old saying "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" may be a cliche' but it's a cliche' for a reason! It's true.

If you stand any chance of winning your wife back, it would be because what she has learned to count on is GONE! She will know if she wants you once she realizes that you've moved on with your life and that you can't wait forever.

If for some reason, she continues on without you, the outcome would be the same regardless of whether you move or not. Distance cannot come between two people who are truly in love. Refusing the job offer is not going to guarantee that you'll win your wife back-but I guarantee you will have regrets a year from now if you turn down the job and your wife still feels the same.

You seem like a good man, with a rare ability to love. It's possible that you will love someone again if things don't work out with your wife. I actually know a man whose wife divorced him after 25 years. They lived apart for three years and got remarried. They are still happy 10-years later.

Take care of your heart...good luck!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

That would depend on whether you have enough patience & are willing to take a risk with turning the job down & still not winning your wife back..................
She's said she still wants to have a friendship of sorts so you could slowly try to build what you both once had, the trouble is you won't be able to rush things or pressure her at all. You could try asking her out on a date just once a week & gradually get to know each other again, remember though that neither of you are the same people you were 33 years ago.
Having said all of that if you really feel that you'll be making yourself miserable then perhaps it's time to cut your losses & start anew with your new job.
Sorry honey, but you're the only one that can really answer that question...............

Remember though that a relationship is a two way thing & if she couldn't find some way of talking about this while you were both still together she has to take half the responsibility for the breakdown too......it shouldn't have to be all up to you to fix it.......................

Answer 4

Hi!

My goodness, 33 years is a heck of a long time isn't it?

There is a saying that if you truly love someone then you'll set them free.

It's still early days with your separation and maybe she needs a little time on her own.

Another saying is the grass is always greener on the other side, so she might just need a bit of time to explore life without you. In many situations like this, the grass isn't greener, and the person fleeing what they think is an impossible situation (or even what they see as a rut), often returns to the old relationship with new pair of eyes.

If I were you I would take the job in Lanzarote. If you hang around she'll know that you're gonna be there as a safety net. Your new job will help take your mind off the situation to some extent and you will be meeting new and interesting people over there.

By saying she would like a friendship of sorts is good, at least she doesn't want to have a clean break and never see you again. She'll be going through turmoil aswell, so just be there for when she needs you. Let her know exactly what you're doing and give her all the contact numbers she might need in order to reach you in Lanzarote.

Please don't hang around making yourself miserable waiting for her - if she sees you attempting to move on, this might give her a little bit of a wake up call. She'll be thinking 'Hang on, I thought he couldn't live without me, and here he is making a new life for himself etc. etc.'

It's a hell of a lot to chuck away - 33 years of marriage. Just give her space, but don't give her everything you've got. You need to really look after yourself and not make yourself ill over this. It's gonna be really difficult, I know, but please be patient - you might just be surprised by the outcome.

I really wish you all the very best, and I hope things turn out well for you.

Answer 5

From personal experience a change of scenery is often very helpful in this situation - at least then you don't get continual reminders of the things and places you shared, which can be very painful. But I would only take the job if you think you are likely to enjoy it.

You will probably find that you are unable to have a friendship with your wife at this point but it could be possible after you've had a break away and start to make a new life for yourself.

One of the things I found most helpful is the CD that comes with a book called Change Your Life in 7 days by Paul McKenna (the book's good too but I found listening to the CD every day - or sleeping through it mostly - made a huge difference to my outlook on life).

Good luck !

Answer 6

I am so sorry that your marriage is having problems. 33 years is a long time to be married and a real achievement in this day and age.
I think all you can do is contact your wife and ask to meet with her for a discussion. You need to tell her that you love her deeply and that you have got a job offer in Lanzarote. Say you would like to remain married and don't want to part. It is then up to her.
I do not think you should put your life on hold just in case she changes her mind. There is a chance that she may not change her mind. Lanzarote is only a flight away so i would take the job offer. The change will do you good and will help to ease your pain of seeing familiar things at the moment. Your wife may like the idea of moving to lanzarote.
You have to consider your life too dear.

Answer 7

I can understand how your wife is feeling, and I can understand you too.. I've been in a very similar situation..

Although you don't want to hear this, I think it's a good thing that she has left.. I know you love her, but if she had stayed she would have been miserable and in turn would have made you miserable..

If she is like I am, there is no going back and it is better that you move on with your life. Take the job in Lanzarote and experience a new life..

I was the one that left my marriage after 25 years, I know that I wanted to leave much sooner but for a long time you hold off.. you hope things will change.. you make excuses like, "I'll stay for the kids" or "things will get better.." but often they don't.

If I had stayed I would have been deceiving my husband, giving him false hope that I loved him still, which I did love him as a person but wasn't in love with him anymore. I stayed so long because I was trying to work out a way to leave with the least amount of hurt.. but you always get hurt, even if you're the one who leaves.

You will get over her.. look to starting a new life in Lanzarote.. you never know, she might change her mind and come out to you.. by then you may be asking yourself.. "do I really want her back?"

Good luck with your new life.. don't dwell on the past.. look to the future..

Answer 8

I also left my marriage after 28 years and four children. I haven't gone back neither have I had a desire to go back and it has been almost 17 years. My former husband has remarried and I wish him the best. I have not remarried, but I am happy. It is my personal opinion but I have found shared by many people that woman grieve the loss of there marriage while still in the marriage. What I mean is by the time most woman ask for the divorce, they have been very unhappy for many years. They have tried to make things work, but for whatever reason, it hasn't for them. It isn't unusal for it to take a woman years to get the courage it takes to leave a marriage and when she finally does it, it is over for her. I'm sorry, but that is the way I see things. Most men grieve after the marriage is over and it is very painful. Most never saw it coming and a lot have great difficulty accepting it. I do not think your wife wants you to try and win her back. Whatever she wants, she doesn't want you in her life right now. If she did change she would not want a man who was grieving, not taking care of himself, depressed, feeling sorry for himself. She would want someone who has gone on with his life, found some more interests, met new people, has a new outlook on life and is taking care of himself.
Please think about what I've written and you should see that whatever happens between you and your wife, you should persue the new job. Good luck on your new, exciting life!♥♥♥

Answer 9

I think you have to decide yourself what you want. If you want her it is important that you don't try to make her feel guilty for leaving, she probably already feels bad, you creating more hurt will just remind her why she left. Think about what you were like when you met, what made her fall for you in the first place and start doing some of those things. Be friends with her, let her see what she is missing, be strong, if this begins to work she has to make the first move, you make it and she will just run a mile. Don't let her see your pain or how miserable you are feeling, again this will make her feel bad and she will want to avoid that. Let her see that you are moving on (even if you aren't).

If you decide you want the job then any chance of reconciliation in the near future will be gone. That is the choice you have to make. Draw up a list of pros and cons and don't forget that staying does not garuntee she will come back.

Good luck with it.

Answer 10

Wheres the kids. If there are kids you need to stay put and be involved in their lives but I would assume that if you have been married for 33 years, that the kids are grown. Unfortunately, whatever went wrong went wrong a long time ago and that was the time to work on it. I fear that the two of you just ignored all warning signs of days gone by so trying to reconcile now may be a monumental task but hey...I have an optomistic side though. You may have to try and find what it is that went wrong and if its something that you can change then she may take notice and be motivated enough to give the relationship another try. Call her up and very non threateningly ask her out somewhere quiet......nice restaurant or a picnic in a park etc. And from a very empathetic point of view, try and convince her that you are interested in what you ....not her...what you can change about you, that you should have changed years ago. In other words don't get to wrapped up in the sappy side of things....but at the same time let her know how you feel regarding an honest attempt to change whatever it is she thinks is a deficiency on your part in the marriage. You may be quite surprised about what she says. Now I am telling you this not because I think for one moment that she didn't play a certain part in your break up, because I am sure she did but for now that is not your goal. Your goal is to find out what part you played in having her drift away. Once you are armed with alittle information then maybe ...and it only a maybe...but maybe you can begin to make the kind of changes that will catch her attention. Good Luck!