What to do when love doesnt seem enough?

Question

My partner and me have had problems for a while, we have argued for a solid 2 mths, i've tried to go to marriage counselling, but he agrees then wont go just before bec things aren't at a 'level' where he accepts to go, even when I beg him, when i say i cant go on like this. after him being really cruel when i came back, telling me i was dead to him, telling me to open my own bank account & telling me i ended it with an ultimatum. I went to mums house. I have been there a week & yesterday got an sms telling me he is separating our finances, that he hates me, that I ended etc etc. the problem is that I just want to go to counselling, but he will only if its by his terms. I love him & dont want to loose this, and I beleive he does too, he's said its not what he wants. What do I do people? Im so miserable that he cant see we need help, that we cant do it by ourselves. Is he playing here to see if I come back. It sucks to have to hold out, knowing its the only way but wanting us 2 b

When i said its not what he wants i meant that the relationship ending was not what he wanted. I just dont get it, he says that then follows with all this.

Answer 1

You can't force him to accept counseling and keep trying. It is very heartbreaking, but it sure seems like you'll need to say goodbye and begin building a life away from him. You don't know what he is going through or why...maybe he is depressed, maybe he is suffering from a mental illness like biploar disorder...maybe something else, but the one thing you do know is that he won't try. Let him go, and let him work out his own life for himself. Good luck.

Answer 2

Well first off, you seem to have the impression that giving an ultimatum will get you what you want. Relationships don't work that way. You are two very different people and both of you have had seperate paths in life up until now. You have had all that time to learn how to resolve your own issues. You walk together as one, or one of you walks and drags the other or, you carry each other. This relationship sounds like it is really messed up and so far gone it is going to be really hard to repair it...

The good news is, if the love is there, it is possible to save it. What is your definition of love? How do you know you're inlove and not just dependent on the other person? Because there is a difference you know. Healthy relationships don't involve control. It isn't fair to try control the other when you yourself can't be controlled either. Trying to do that will just make it uncontrollable, which is where I think you are. If you have to resort to ultimatums, you are being arrogant in two ways: you think they care, and you also think you that you are worth more - and yet, it is you who is losing here. As Dr. Phil says, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" Redefine your own happiness here. Either you want to meet this person half way or you want him to crawl all the way to you. In order for two people to communicate effectively, only one of you has to listen. And by listening I mean, ingesting what the other has said and thinking about it before reacting. This is the most important (and strongest) thing to do when in a relationship. Love is taking the other person's feelings into consideration before throwing out your own. Your partner sounds as though he has a lot of defense mechanisms in place - in which case, he is defending himself against you and not the other way around.

As for a counsellor... not everyone feels safe taking their feelings to a complete stranger. It could be for various reasons, and it's those reasons that you should be paying attention to, not how it would help you. Sure, it might very well help YOU, but what about him? Maybe he thinks that you are taking him there just so both you and the counsellor can both tell him how wrong he is and what a victim you are. Whatever the reason, it's not up to you to judge. If he was willing to share with you, he would. If he felt safe with you, he would. Just like you have your reasons, so does he. You don't want someone to come into your life and scream at you how wrong you are, do you? What the heck do they know about you, except what you tell and show them? Only you know... and meeting somewhere in the middle, having better communication, takes work and yes, you can do it on your own. Do it on both of your terms, not just his, or yours. You both have to agree! Marriages have worked for centuries before yours came along, your problems aren't so special that they are great unsolvable mysteries. Maybe you spend too much trying to be perfect, with a perfect marriage - if so, try to be imperfect for a while just to see what it feels like - it's not as scary as you fear it to be. And you do sound really fearful - what are you so afraid of? Ask yourself and ask him... whatever will help you find a way back to each other is a good thing. Another thing to remember is that each relationship you ever have in your life does need to grow in order to stay fresh. Time and energies never stays the same. You can't get stuck in a rut forever. It is just impossible.

Sharing each other and being intimate on a whole other level is what marriage is all about. That other stuff does eventually fall away... Good luck!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Angel

Answer 3

You should not be at your moms house. Go back home and work this out with your husband. You married for better or for worse. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, have searched, and those who tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people, who have touched their lives. Good Luck!

Answer 4

he wont go too counselling as he knows he will be told hes out of order and a bully and as most men living in the dark ages wont accept change I'm afraid its gotta be his way or the highway, at best he may agree to a few changes but he will soon go back to his old ways.

Answer 5

Try to relax and have some faith in the universal flow of belonging...in other words, try to remember, you're exactly where you need to be ...in order to fulfill your destiny....second thing( that works for me )is, remember that relationships are mirrors into our -selves. Begin to be the change you want to see. Become the change you are trying to make,in your words, and, actions. The next thing I want you to do ,is, ask yourself if your rowing this boat alone...? Your guy kinda sounds like he's controlling...that is a red flag for abuse...and no-body , or relationship,is worth degration, and, humiliation.! If he's abusive ...you've got to let go.

Answer 6

Keep going for it. Me and my wife went out for 11 months when we were in school and we always fought so much over dumb things and did a lot to hurt eachother but we stayed together and it really paid off. I feel like if you are doing wrong things, maybe its a test to see if you can stay together and work things out. Now we have been married for 2 years and are really happy together.

Answer 7

little sister, dry your tears i say. your man is lacking understanding of the meaning of love, marriage and relationship. Now you need to find out what he wants and don,t be moved by his negative actions, be still.

if his lips are dried kiss them
if he's down stay with him.
if he is out stay in contact
if he's nagging pet him
if he want sex, give him in full and at will
Always do common things in an uncommon ways
Let him know you love him but never let him know that you are managing him. Play the fool with/in love and he will be a fool for you. Good luck

Answer 8

sometimes love is not enough and it is very hard to walk away from that person. you can not change people they have to want to change. it could be that if you seperate for a while he will wake up but i doubt it. i imagine that he was already like this when you married him and you thought he would change. i am sorry you are so miserable. stay with your mother and try to get your life together.... apart.

Answer 9

he is controlling you - he won't do what you need to do (counselling) and he has driven you from your home.
this is not a man who deserves the love you have to give and you do not deserve his cruelty.
get a lawyer and take back half of what was yours and then find someone who wants to love you and not himself.

Answer 10

Give him sometime,stay away from him for a while, dont contact him, if he is for you he will come and you talk if he doesnt then he is not for you. Good luck