Being happy that I was sexually abused? How can I overcome this feeling?

Question

I feel really awful typing this out. I was sexually abused as a child, but unlike the normal population, I'm almost "happy" that it happened. It's not like I enjoyed it, but I liked he paid attention to me. My parents were busy at work and hardly making money, so I lived at my grandparents for a few years (he lived with them at 30 years old!). It was my uncle, and I was a little kid, so it's not like I understood what was happening. But to this day, I feel "special." I know it's wrong, but it's like I was pretty enough to be picked out. I was his special little girl. I feel so loved, even to this day. I cried when my parents came to take me back...I barely knew who they were at that point. Family members figured it out because he always wanted to spend time with me. He would take me out to fun places all the time, "help me" fall asleep at night, help me take a shower (when I was at my younger ages), etc. Then at a doctor's appointment, my vagina was "stretched beyond what was normal"

or something. Things started to unfold...Anyway, I felt like a princess. I know it is wrong, and I am disgusted EVERYTIME hear a story about child abuse. Please believe this. It makes me cringe when I read stories. I am really scared to type this next part, because it might receive a lot of negative feedback...but here goes:


Sometimes I want to be raped or sexually promiscuous. I want someone to have sex with me, but in a way that I have no control over or not in a planned way. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel valuable. I want someone to pick me out, and choose *me*. I want to feel loved, even if it's artificial. I want someone to risk something for me. In a way, this is disgusting but part of me thinks about what will happen if I go to certain places at night...I know, I'm a freak. But the idea of someone choosing me...ME over others and holding me close...I want to feel pretty and wanted. I want to feel like a little girl, young, innocent, and fragile.

Answer 1

You are not a freak, however I feel that you are still being manipulated by the memory of your experience. Your abuser manipulated you as a child into believing that the attention he was giving you was positive. And being a lonely child, you believed it. Unfortunately, you are grown now and have not moved past this mind set. I think you are somewhat scared to allow yourself to truly understand what has happened in the past.

If this past experience was positive then why is it influencing your sexual behaviors negatively as an adult?

Do not be disgusted with yourself or ashamed. You are a special person and worthwhile, but this was not a healthy way to receive attention and praise. And what you are not understanding is that what he did to you was NOT love, care or concern.

I would seriously consider seeking counseling for your own benefit and for a healthy future and future relationships. Remember, people who were victims of abuse tend to seek out abusive relationships because they are familiar and comfortable with them. From your comments, you are doing or close to doing the same. You need help distinguishing between what is healthy and abusive.
My heart goes out to you, best wishes.

Answer 2

Don't feel bad, people who do those things are bad, not the person that it happens to. That is the way they work they it is a psychological game that they play. I think that the first thing that you need is to speak with a counselor about your feelings. Do not go seeking this artificial love, because it will only cause you to feel more empty. Healthy relationships take time to build.

Answer 3

Please seek out professional help regarding the emotions relating to love and rape/restrained intercourse. You have other issues that you just barely scratched at: upset that your parents returned to take you home (didn't know who they were), promiscuity (isn't special, it devalues you), the several "paying attention" remarks.

You are anchoring happiness and your emotional state to a childhood event that you loathe when it happens to other children; good for me, awful for them. There's something more there.

The fact that you want to "overcome" this feeling is good.
There are many options..many available through most work places (anonymous) or in the yellow pages, or referrals through help groups.

Best of luck to you.
= )

Answer 4

have you ever pronounced the guy that did this to you? perhaps you sense scared that it would desire to ensue returned, grew to become into the guy that did that possible superb at first? it would desire to be why you would be able to desire to (devoid of realising) relate him to the boyfriend you have now and not like it whilst he kisses you. Take it sluggish and attempt to forget approximately (that's impossible, yet attempt to place it in the previous as terrific as you may), the terrific element could be to checklist what he did and get justice for what got here approximately to you. attempt to not think of of it occurring returned, attempt to think of of ways happy you're actually that he's out of your life, concentration on that happiness once you're with your boyfriend, think of of the happy memories you and your new boyfriend have shared, you will in all risk start up feeling an outstanding purchase happier with your self and others, and you will start to get excitement from life slightly extra, and as quickly as you're happy, you will have the skill to love returned.

Answer 5

I don't think its wrong to feel happy about the attention you received, just know that you don't have to give your self away sexually to receive positive attention from anyone. I am not talking about when you where little but now.