Help ! I am sure that I am not alone?

Question

How do you watch your child go down tubes ? I thought that me 20 year old Son would change as he grew out of adolesence but no such luck. Is the generational gap so wide that to expect some degree of respect and responsibilty is unrealistic ?
There can be absolutely no rules. Any critisism with respects to cleaning up after himself or treating property responsibley is met with anger and resentment. I certainely don't want to alienate him: I think everyone has to have someone for support and incouragement.....Been there? parents and children, please .

Answer 1

It is very difficult, BUT DOABLE! When you start implementing some boundaries with him, AND STICKING to it, he will grow up. As long as you tolerate his poor behavior he will continue it. He treats property poorly, remove it from his reach. He doesn't want to clean up after himself, he doesn't get access to that area. At 20 years of age he is able to live on his own. Maybe it is time for him to do so...
As for alienating him, excuse me? Who is the parent, He is alienating himself from you, the one who gave him life, He is to treat you with respect. Yes, be respectful to him, and allow him to grow up. The coddling that we give our children, well it comes back to bite us in the behinds, when we don't expect and demand to be respected by them. This has nothing to do with generational gaps! This is about a spoiled child. Yes, you need to take responsibility, you spoiled him. Now, help him to grow up.
Good luck, been there done that!

Answer 2

Personally i blame all the do-gooders who stuck their noses in and made it impossible for parents to discipline their children. Now there are kids and young adults everywhere who have no idea how to treat anybody or anything with respect, all they think about is themselves and if they don't want to do it well who's gonna make them. Yes they need support and encouragement but so many of them seem to have such anger problems that you can't talk to them and the minute you do all you get back is anger. I could suggest trying a different approach, take him out to dinner or go the pub and have a drink with him and try and find out what has made him so angry and make sure that you let him know that you are worried about him and that you's need to communicate in order to have a good relationship, you never know something might have happened that he does'nt want to tell you about. Failing this i would suggest a counsellor but feel this option would maybe make him turn away even more. Good luck and i hope that you can get your relationship back on track and start talking, just be patient with him it won't happen overnight.

Answer 3

Part of the answer to your question lays in what you wrote. You are afraid of alienating him, as you were probably afraid of hurting his feelings, making him mad at you etc.
He is 20, so I don't know what to say, you should have established who the boss is, you, the PARENT, by the way, a long time ago.
Being a parent can be a thankless job at times. It is difficult to discipline your children, they may act resentful, but in the long run, and the short, you are doing what is right.
You are presumably the more learned person. You set the rules, you pay the bills. There is no reason to let a child be the ruling factor in a household. You may not want to rock the boat, but by doing that, you are not teaching your child that actions have consequences, that there are rules and boundaries, etc.
You may have to get both of you into family counseling, so you can have a mediator, someone who can help you establish the roles of parent and child.
Other than that, remember, it is your house, you have the power of the purse. If he is not doing what needs to be done. Cut him off financially. That usually does the trick.

Answer 4

Going through it right now. My son is almost 17 and I'm at a loss. I still love him but most of the time I don't like him or his attitude very much. Give him more time. My 26 year old son didn't give me quite the problems this one is giving me but he is finally starting to grow into a man. I just keep giving advice and pray that some day it will sink in!

If not pack his bags and show him the door. Tell him you love him but it's time for him to go start living his own life.

Answer 5

Well, I grew up in a so-so neighborhood with my dad. When I got lazy, my step-mother took me to a relatives home with three kids a dog and a messy home. She dropped me off and I slept with my eyes open because roaches ran throughout their house, I didn't eat because the dog was in the kitchen and everywhere. I learned to keep up with my chores. If you are priviliged to not know anyone with a sloppy house send your son to a mission or someplace where there are many homeless people who would kill to have chores and a warm roof than to sleep on concrete. Put his *** out! You can do it legally. Forget CPS tell them you are 'teaching' your child before the state "teaches" him in jail!

Answer 6

First off, I'm sorry this is happening to you. My brother went through a tough stage in his life, put my parents through heck and back. You just have to let him know that you love him and will always be there for him. Then you have to let him do his thing. My brother is now back in our lives, married, children, holding down great jobs. Hopefully he will eventually come around to see what a great parent he has.

Answer 7

20 is the key! He is no kid anymore! This is your house and after 18 you are not obligated to support him anymore! If he can't pull his wait maybe he should go try his luck in the real world where there are real people with real idea's of what he should be doing by now.

Answer 8

Sometimes "kids" need tough love in order to stand on their own. He may need you to make him accept responsibility. Once he sees life is better with money and a job hopefully he will gain the confidence and assurance of an adult.

Answer 9

Let me put it this way. I watched as a friend lost her cars, her boat, her home and eventually the rest of her family as she encouraged and supported her middle child. After bailing him out of trouble time after time and loosing every penny the family had saved, anything of worth the family had gotten including their home, even the belongings of the other two kids her husband finally gave up and divorced her, she was not awarded custody of her other two children because she had no home in which to raise them so they went and gladly with their father. Now years later, her son is who knows where, probably somewhere out of country because he has a federal warrant for drug trafficing and murder along with other charges against him. His mother now moves from homeless shelter to homeless shelter because she was fired from job after job because she was constantly bailing this son out of trouble, she can't even get a minimum wage job because her past follows her wherever she goes. Friends (including myself) have tried to help her but we don't want to be drug down. So she lives, on the streets with nothing and the son she protected for all those years doesn't give a damn whether she lives or dies. Is this what YOU want for yourself?

Answer 10

You are the parent and he is still under 21. So what if he's pissed. Tell him if he doesn't clean his room and help out, he can find another place to live. Be tough. Don't let him walk on you anymore.