My mother and I haven't spoken in 3 1/2 years and well she wants me to hate the same people that she hates, like her sisters , and brothers, my children,, yes she hates my family,
and well I realloy feel at peace with myself not talking to her , but the only thing that she is missing out on my beautifull girls ,
I have had nightmares that I was telling her off, is this a normal
dream or do I really dislike her ??? well I guess that I do ,,,,
2007-03-25 15:36:58 · 11 answers · asked by E.M. 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yes I have had nightmares for a week now , and I wake up pist off at her ....
2007-03-25 15:38:45 · update #1
Look for help so you can be at peace with yourself.
You cannot be the great person and mother you want to be if you have all these ill-feelings bottled inside.
Don't let her get to you. She's obviously very hurt and those kind of people can only contaminate and undermine you, so be careful...
Try to get counseling (look for help in church and/or with a therapist)...Good luck!
2007-03-29 04:44:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your mother is a very bitter unhappy hateful woman and I am sorry that you don't have a good relationship with her. Your Mother's behavior may be linked to something that happened to her when she was a child, and because it was not addressed, it festered into the hate and bitterness and as an adult she hs pushed everyone away from her. Unfortunately sometimes we have to make choices in our life to protect ourselves and maybe not speaking with your mother is the only way you will have peace. You having dreams about her is very normal. You want the situation to be different, and you feel some guilt that you don't speak with her. You dislike her behavior and anyone would but in some way you are sorry about the situation and you really want to love your Mother but you cannot. You could reach out to her again but understand that things may be the same as they've always been with your Mother. If you are able to cope with her hateful ways, then try to reconcile with her, but if you feel that she will destroy the peace and tranquility in your life, then let it be. Things may change in the future, but for now let things stay the same. If she wanted to see your children, she would call, so don't feel sorry. Best of Luck to you.
2007-03-26 01:33:50 · answer #2 · answered by cardgirl2 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say she wants you to hate the same people...could it be that she needs to hear that you understand why she isn't getting along with them? When people feel slighted, disrespected, etc they usually need acknowledgment that what they are feeling is ok, then they need to feel accepted...that is something we all want, whether we admit it or not. It sounds like you really want to have your mother in your life, as long as there is mutual respect....maybe a conversation with her about these people that she "hates"- the who, what, where, when and why's. You may think you have heard it all before, but try it from a fresh perspective, as though you are just gathering information. When she's done, just repeat back to her what you heard, and chances are you will see a completely different demeanor. Good Luck!
2007-03-25 22:49:30 · answer #3 · answered by sandy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are having nightmares, you are not at peace with it. It may be that you haven't let go of the dream...even if you have let go of the mom. so in your mind somewhere, you see this pretty picture of your girls with grandma and thats not happening..... you need to get right with this first. Is your mom a danger to your girls? emotionally or physically? if not, she has a right (IMO) to a grandma relationship. All you can do, is offer on your terms for her to see them. I did the same thing with my MOI (i know its not the same as your own mom) but when I said she couuld come here to see my kids anytime but I would not bring them to their house anymore (there was constant screaming and putting me down and her daughters throw dishes (nice crew huh?)) what happened was, she never came. I had also offered to bring them, any time, if they wanted to attend ice capades or other events they had done in the past...also no calls. It has been a blessing. I am sad for my kids but also greatful I have not had to deal with the chaos. Now they are older, we have discussed it....and they get it. I have given them permission to NOT call them grandma or grandpa if they see them in public (which they asked me about, I didn't bring it up).... its sad...but I put the ball in their court...so I can sleep at night. Think about it...the relationship you have with your mom will be different from theirs, it always it. But do whats right for you and what protects y our girls... you can't go wrong.
2007-03-25 23:30:43 · answer #4 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not all mothers and daughters get along, and just because a woman gives birth that does not make her a mother. If you feel at peace with yourself that is fine your daughters are not missing out on much if you are a loving mother to them . enjoy your life and your children
2007-03-25 22:46:45 · answer #5 · answered by sharon r 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry this is happening, but it often does. She wants to influence your decisions which is a common pattern in the manipulative mother. If you have a brother, I bet he lives with her for the rest of his days. Be glad you got out!
2007-03-25 22:42:36 · answer #6 · answered by pitch 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What your mother wishes to hate and not hate ought to be none of your concern, and to put it mildly, she's off the wall to expect you to side with her.. You can never convince her of that, you can only train her, and by that I mean, that you share with her that she has every right to keep her negative feelings toward anyone she wishes. But if she wishes your company, she must keep those feelings to herself. And you then must tell her that when she begins the negative talk, that you will leave. And when she does, then you must indeed leave. She will not understand what is happening to her, only that you will not tolerate her criticisms. It works like this: When she begins:
"Mom, I really don't wish for you to share with me your feelings about Jan and Joe.... I am aware that you do not like them, and you have every right to decide who you wish as friends, and who you do not wish as friends. But I don't share those feelings against those people, not yesterday, and not tomorrow. If you continue with this train of conversation, I will have to leave and go home.. And from now on, every time you begin on this subject, I will have to leave and go home...I hope I have made myself clear..."
If she starts again, you simply do the 'broken record routine'..... "Gee mom, I'm sorry you didn't understand. If this conversation continues, I will have to leave...." And if when you change the subject, and she brings it up again,... "Mom, I'm sorry I can't stay any longer... I'll call you tomorrow, or call me when you feel better."
Now, hon, this won't work right away. My husband had just a bear-cat of a mom. He had laid the ground work several times, and several times at their home, we did have to get up and leave....., with the same words as above.... This happened several time, and it looked like she was never going to catch on....The last time it happened was when the four of us (her, my husband's dad and the two of us) went to a restaurant for dinner, and she started in. He did the broken record, she just blathered on, she got another warning, then the final, "Gee mom. This conversation is off limits and inappropriate... We'll call you tomorrow...." and with that, he grabbed me by the arm, we went to the hostess desk and we called a taxi, and went home, since we had taken their car.... It ain't easy, hon, and his mom never realized that she was being trained, but she never did that again,... and as I shared, it took awhile..... and I'm not sure she ever understood what what he was doing, or on that night, what had happened... but it worked.
If, of course, you are just really more comfortable not bothering with her, I sure understand that, and it is too bad she finds her negativity more comforting that knowing her grandchildren, but hey, as you said, her loss. You children don't need to be exposed to that kind of negativity for their long term happiness. And until she get an attitude adjustment, you are doing what you must do.... being a protective mother, and good for you, hon.
2007-03-25 23:10:51 · answer #7 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its ok to be pissed off at your mother. I don't speak to anyone in my entire family. I can't stand a one of them. It feels like I'm alone in the world sometimes but for 99% of the time, its ok. Because they're all mean and crazy. Thank god we got away huh?!?!
2007-03-25 22:48:49 · answer #8 · answered by Ade 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Life is too short to not talk to your mother. Just tell her mom I love you and I want you in my life and my kids life if you are having bad dreams about your mom you need to call her cause it might be a sign that something bad might happen
2007-03-25 22:48:28 · answer #9 · answered by Jennifer W 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Why do you wish to curse your daughters with thie woman?
Keep your distance, and your daughter's.
2007-03-25 22:41:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋