okay so i got this poem and i need CONSTRUCTIVE critism ONLY :D okay i got this much but im NOT done i have to edit it.
lost in memories of our laughter
making an orchestra of love,
heartbeat to heartbeat, they were one.
the sweet perfection is lost only to be seen in fragments of this shattered heart,
thinking of what could be,
I'm forgotten, and your lost,
need some closure but seeing you makes it an open wound,
some one to kiss them away,
you just always get in the way,
in the search for another a brighter day.
okay maybe its just a little to cliche but what do you think?
2007-03-25 14:02:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
You may want to adjust the meter length so it flows better. Also, some ideas can be stated more clearly with an allusion, which can also give your poem deeper meaning. Generally a poem should have more than one "tone" to it. There is the surface concept that fits the individual situation of the poet or "speaker" and there is another, deeper and more subtle, layer that relates to all people. This helps people to connect to the poem as it seems to be about THEM.
The only other point is that you have no rhyme scheme until the last 3 lines. They don't seem to fit because of this. Try either giving the rest of the poem a rhyme pattern or eliminating the -ay set.
2007-03-25 15:22:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow that's so sad.
I'm kinda new to the whole poetry thing too, but I really like it. I agree with the girl above me, if it is about you I would change that line to what she said. Also I think that making it in first peson will seem more intimate to anyone reading it, so you should definately do that (if you want, lol). and u could say :
I'm lost in memories of our laughter,
we made an orchestar of love.
Heartbeat to heartbeat; we were one.
The sweet perfection is lost, only to be seen in fragments of my shattered heart." well yea you get the idea I'm sure you don't need/want me to rewrite it for you. Oh also you could put
"I need someone to kiss them away, but you always just get in the way so I contine to search for my brighter day." or something like that. Okay I'm done, hope I didn't annoy you. I really liked your poem though, very nice. I wish I could think of things like that to write.
2007-03-25 22:26:33 · answer #2 · answered by wtf 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's nothing BUT cliche! Cliche piled upon cliche..... don't let it get you down. Find some way to express yourself which is unique to you. If you see that you are using a phrase you know you've heard a million times before, get rid of it, no-one wants to hear it. And in your line 'I'm forgotten, and your lost', your grammar is awful, it's supposed to be 'I'm forgotten, and YOU'RE lost'. The apostrophe that is meant to be in ' you're ' is a contraction, indicating a missing word - in this case, ARE, as in, you ARE lost. Get it?
2007-03-26 02:28:37 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it but it seems as if your talking in a one person phrase and if you are just an idea but you may wanna change phrase 3 to:
Heartbeat to heartbeat, we were as one
(just a suggestion) but i still like it no matter what you choose..
2007-03-25 21:12:41 · answer #4 · answered by swascndy21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it but it is sad.
2007-03-25 21:11:13 · answer #5 · answered by ArkyGirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋