Are all men selfish and bad at communicating?

Question

I was invited to dinner by my friend. She is much older than me and I like her a lot. She was married 3 times, her second husband committed to suicide and killed her son. Terrible, I know. Anyway, after all she has been through she told me "I'm telling you, these creatures (men) live only for themselves. They are all selfish and crap at communicating". What do you think about it?

Answer 1

Upon examination of your question, as a man, I have legitimate questions about your ability to communicate.

For example, you write, "her second husband committed to suicide..."

Poor communication.

So, perhaps we simply agree that poor communication is a relationship issue, but not blame it on gender. I have experienced poor communicators of both genders.

I think men and women communicate differently, and see things differently. This makes communication between men and women difficult at times. However, that doesn't make men or women poor communicators or selfish as a gender.

I think men and women do each other a great disservice when they act judgmental about the differences, such as saying men are selfish, non-communicative or emotionally repressed.

This is all bunk. Men can communicate when they feel the need to communicate. Communication may be different from how women communicate, and it may not be as frequent, but in no way can that be interpreted as men don't communicate and/or women do it much better.

Your friend, in my opinion, is way off base.

Answer 2

It looks like your friend uses poor judgement in choosing her men. She obviously picked the wrong type more than once.

As a man I have to admit that at times I have been guilty of selfishness. But does that make it a male thing, I don't think so, women can be selfish in their own ways. I often find that some women can bring out the worst in men. It also seems that on an unconscious level women are attracted to a certain selfish behaviour in men (this is why nice guys finish last). And some women behave like doormats with their man, but later complain behind his back.
Sorry, I just think that in a mature adult relationship both partners are responsible for balance. If women feel he is acting selfish it is up to them to be assertive and not tolerate this behavior.

Answer 3

I think she is the one who has the problem. She has been married 3 times....her second husband committed suicide as well as killing her son? Why would anyone commit suicide if they were happy. Maybe she is so self centred that the ability to communicat with her is impossible because she always has to be right.

If you are open to other people's opinions, then there shouldnt be a problem with communication. If a man feels confident that he wont be put down by his opinions then he WILL communicate. Communication is a give and take thing. Communication should be honest and a couple should be able to talk about anything with their spouse. If the woman has married 3 times, then surely her 3 husbands cant be to blame....lack of communication cant be the reason she has gone through 3 husbands. She has the problem, thats all I can say.

I am seeing a man who was a very closed man. He cant talk enough now because I love hearing him talk....I love hearing his opinions on things. His ex-wife was a very manipulative demanding woman, so he felt totally controlled and he learnt to shut down....he wasnt allowed to have opinions because everything he said was wrong. For his own sanity, he learnt to say nothing, because nothing he said was ever right. Maybe your friend needs to be right and thats the reason she thinks men cant communicate. Maybe she is the reason they couldnt communicate. She is wrong, men do have the ability to communicate openly and honestly, but only you if respect the fact that they are entitled to their opinions and listen with interest. A man will shut down his feelings if he feels he is not being listened to. He doesnt need to be bagged or controlled...he needs to feel equal.....maybe her husbands didnt feel equal to her...maybe she wanted the control so much that it shut her men down. Women can abuse their husbands just as much as men can abuse their wives. My current man is proof of that....he was in an abusive relationship with a woman who needed to control him. Maybe your friend is the reason she went through 3 husbands.

Answer 4

It is not true that all men are selfish and crap at communicating. It is just that she is comparing what happened with her men and her with other men. It could be that she is the ones with problems and blames it on men in general. She just had bad experiences with men and puts the blame on other men so she can feel good about herself. She is wrong and you need to tell her that, otherwise, she will just repeat what she has been through again, if she doesn't get the help that she needs to keep a marriage.

Answer 5

Selfish, no. Or at least not more than women.

Bad at communicating... Not all men of course, but most of them yes. Or maybe men communicates differently than women. But my guess is men don't feel the need to communicate as much as women do, and in time, they become bad at it.

Answer 6

Her perspective comes from the ultimate betrayal of trust. She's still working through grief and may be for a long, long time to come. Just give her time to work through this and know that she may say many mean things about men. Understandable to a great extent. Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm sorry for what your friend went through but all men are not selfish or have bad communicating. there are some out there who would give the world if they could. you just have to find the right one.

Answer 8

Hello Alyssa,
Granted, many men are selfish, and many men have very poor
communication skills, however, there are still some of us who
give of ourselves to help others. We are caring, respectful,
polite, and share more than just our "seeds"!!
AND, some of us are educated enough to express most of
our thoughts and feelings. Your friend's former husband must
have been a Neanderthal (caveman) who didn't learn how to
say "please" or "thank you". I guess that was lack of formal
education--you know, like school!!
So, just keep in mind, not all of us are like that, OK??

Answer 9

Your friend is right! (jk)

Here's the paradox:

The guys that most girls are attracted to are the macho he-man types, and unfortunately these guys know this and fail to develop any other social skills (i.e. conversing, awareness of others feelings...)

The guys that have developed these skills are considered 'wimps' and are not generally attractive as mates (some Freudian thing going on there...).


So the moral is...Grab a hunk and hope he has skills, or grab a guy with skills and hope that does it for you!

(This message brought to you by 'tongue-in-cheek')

Answer 10

Sounds to me like her "picker" is broken and she keeps picking losers... look carefully at this pattern as one doesn't divorce so frequently w/o being a significant part of the equation. Want to have hell on Earth and keep suffering and reinforcing this view of men---- just tell her to keep choosing men who are destructive, self centered, poor lovers and partners, etc.!!!!