if he says "I am not initiating it because I think you don't want me to" - is this an excuse or is it a valid reason? Sometimes I think it's much easier for him to blame it on me. So passive that no wonder I am not that keen on it. So, is it possible that it's a valid and honest answer or is it an excuse for him to make no effort whatsoever?
2007-03-25 12:45:28 · 12 answers · asked by Alyssa Macey 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
it's only recently that I managed to put words to his behaviour when we talk - it's what they call passive-agressive. After we talk sometimes I feel nearly suicidal.
2007-03-25 13:29:02 · update #1
No one likes to be rejected - it sounds like a legitimate reason to me.
2007-03-25 12:49:15 · answer #1 · answered by Zabes 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's VERY possible and it is a valid answer. I know, that's my situation EXACTLY. My wife almost always is "too tired, "too sick", "has a headache", "too hot", "too cold", "too full from dinner", "the planets aren't in proper alignment" (OK, I made that one up but you get the point). She has some kind of excuse CONSTANTLY.
While I'm not some sexual dynamo, I do have a VERY heavy sexual appetite and I have to tell you, it hasn't been satisfied in a LONG time. It's not that I'm some 400 lb guy with hair on his back. I'm pretty much the same guy I was 20 years ago (maybe a little more gray hair).
We've talked about it and she just freely admits that she'd be happy if we never had sex again. Even if we did have it, she says that she needs A LOT of foreplay. Her idea of a lot of foreplay is literally several hours.
When you get shot down over and over and over when you're clearly interested, yeah, eventually a guy gets tired of being rejected and just gives up. That's a terrible thing and being a woman, I don't think you have any idea how that makes him feel. You feel like you're worthless, that your wife finds you grotesque. It's humiliating to get rejected over and over.
If he's that bad in the bed, it's up to you to tell what he can do to make you more in the mood, what you like or don't like. However, for God's sake, don't be hyper critical and try to be calm, and tactful.
Bottom line, it's a VERY valid reason.
2007-03-25 13:10:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I am answering this from a very personal point of view, if you don't mind. I am currently in a relationship where the same thing happens, except that I am the guy. lol My wife never wants to have sex and if I try to initiate it she just gets extremely pissed off at me and tells me to stop bugging her about it. i have tried everything from rubbing her back to you name it. So now I don't even try! I told her that if she wants to have fun, she knows my number and that I would never turn her down.
Now the question is 'Does he have a legit reason to think that you are not interested?' If you are as my wife, then I would say "YES, he does! However each situation is different and I think that this should be something that the two of you sit down over a nice romantic diner ( made by you) and discuss the whole situation. Then have sex!!!!! LOL Have fun!
2007-03-25 13:38:46 · answer #3 · answered by smrty772 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, that's a totally valid reason for him to behave that way. Sex is *very* important to a man - it's one of the best ways we have of feeling *love*. If in your past history you've led him to believe that he is not wanted sexually, than simply out of a sense of self preservation he's going to be gunshy about initiating it.
The way you phrase the question ('it's much easier for him to blame it on me') tells me that there's a big problem between the two of you here, especially if the world 'blame' is being tossed around. Fortunately as the woman you can seriously help solve this problem if you're willing to step to the plate and start to see his emotional needs. His ego has been damaged badly but you're the woman he loves and you have all the power in the world to make it right (and thus improve your relationship and lovelife and guarantee great sex in the future).
2007-03-25 12:54:57 · answer #4 · answered by Jon S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take him by the hand and have your way with him do something crazy (what you are comfortable with). Trust me it will work! It did for me. he always says that I do not initate enough so I took his hand one day, and he will then make an effort. Other good advise is buy something sexy and tell him to meet you at a hotel room after work get some candles etc. This will give you a night out and he wont ask why you dont initate.
2007-03-25 12:56:51 · answer #5 · answered by tasgunter 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was going through this exact issue with my man. And everything is better now! It is a completely valid reason. A man will be turned off and will not want sex with you if he feels that you don't want it or if he feels that he is always initiating the sex and you are not. I suggest a beautiful piece of lingerie and make him feel sexy and wanted. Good luck!
2007-03-25 13:41:41 · answer #6 · answered by Tina 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hogwash! If a man is not trying to get into your pants, it is because he is completely satisfied with what he is receiving elsewhere.
Suggestion: test him. Get all sexy, light some candles, get some rose petals, and initiate a couple of times. If he persists in his lack of interest, then I was right all along. If things change for the better, then hooray for you!
2007-03-25 13:07:36 · answer #7 · answered by LovablyMe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, it's a real reason . . Honestly I think like 99 percent of men have done this at some point.
Come on , if he keeps trying and trying and you always say no , or it's like 50/50 he's going to stop trying ! No one WANTS to be rejected. See THIS guys question -
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ah3PHtq5KQPmchz73s7Ja_3B7BR.?qid=20070323222045AAqGCdO
2007-03-25 15:55:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well...to be perfectly homest...if i was told no to sex from my spouse...i wouldn't initiate it ever again. nothing sucks worse than having the one person you do have sex with turn you down. and there is still that old saying "if he's not getting it from you, he's getting it from somewhere else". your next question should be "what do you see as signs as me not wanting to have sex with you?" now, whatever he says, listen and don't be defensive. looks like this is a communication problem. it can be worked out.
2007-03-25 12:51:48 · answer #9 · answered by Bella 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he truly thinks he is not welcome, to initiate intimacy is no different from rape. If he thinks you are not interested, then he is showing his love and respect by not initiating intimacy. This does not mean he does not desire you. It probably is indicative, however, of a communication problem.
If he is right that he is not welcome, then his decision is the right one. If, on the other hand, he believes he is not welcome, what are the signals that you are sending and he thinks he is receiving?
2007-03-25 12:51:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I think he doesn't want to have sex and he is turning it over on you; he is being extremely passive agressive.
2007-03-25 13:18:23 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋