my husband and i have been together for 5 years. we have 2 kids together and he has 2 from his ex. in their divorce they got joint custody but he gets them for the school week. my problem is she is such a slacker. when i first got with my husband she would see the kids a couple times a month, now the same thing is happening again. she is always late picking them up, its always a inconvinence for her to bring them home. when she does get them she calls her sister up to watch them. she doesnt take them to the doctors or help with homework. she acts like shes just a baby sitter but she wants to make all the dicisions for them. she rarley buys them anything but when she does she want us to give her half the money back.(even for a $7 haircut!) anyways my husband tells me that i knew he had kids and i should deal with it, i love my step kids and i would do anything for them but i need a break! im tired and its hard enough to fing a sitter for 2 let alone 4. how do i make her watch her kids!
2007-03-25 11:26:47 · 18 answers · asked by lori n 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i also run a buisness at home. my husband is worried about them money. we pay for all school stuff, clothes supplies ect... we could go back to court and get full custody but we dont have the money! wonder why?!!! the simple fact is he feels bad for the kids he does not agree with what she is doing. he has more complaints than me but when they come home he leaves it up to me to do everything. and what do i do say screw your homework, or cook your own supper? i cant let these kids suffer because no one else will do anything. another thing we have had to go bond her out of jail just so she would show up at her child b-day party!
2007-03-25 11:58:07 · update #1
no one pays child support
2007-03-25 12:01:08 · update #2
All of this is really your husband's responsibility; stand up and insist that he take care of it.
Discuss this mess with your lawyer. You may find that her irresponsible behaviors are negatively impacting her children - as well as you! - and that these behaviors may influence the court to give your husband full custody of his children. Be sure to keep a written record of what has happened, with correct dates and times, and keep it up to date.
If you and your husband can gain sole custody, it should be easier on you and your family, including your stepchildren.
Good luck to you!
2007-03-25 12:06:02 · answer #1 · answered by MomBear 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow, hard situation (and I feel bad for the kids). Doesn't sound like she's bad enough that he would have a realistic chance of getting full custody, which would probably be the best answer.
The problem isn't your husband, and it isn't you. It's the ex-wife. And the truth is you have no power to really change her behavior, only a little power to help the kids get through her negligence and feeling like a burden/unloved.
Since that's the only part of the equasion you really have a shot of making any impact on, that's what I suggest you focus on.
You did marry him knowing he had kids, so you took this responsibility on with your eyes open. It sounds like it's unfair that the ex is such a rotten mother but the reality is you married into the situation and I'm pretty sure all the warning signs were there when you decided to take the plunge.
It doesn't make it any easier, but this is the path you've chosen. Do your best to help the kids, try not to let frustration and anger consume you or make your relationship with them or your husband bitter (remember nothing good ever came of anger) and maybe someday she'll grow up. Sorry, there's no easy answer...
2007-03-25 11:38:46 · answer #2 · answered by Jon S 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It doesn't cost anything to go to court and have custody established, since you are the primary caregivers and she chooses to do the every other weekend thing.
Then file for child support,which also does not cost anything. Establish visitation so that the kids understand there is a pattern. If she follows through, fine, if not, at least you're not wondering when she'll be back. You'll know when her next weekend is.
As far as her inability to parent, you guys win. You do doctors, homework, after school activities. Everything. Get your child support.
2007-03-25 12:27:20 · answer #3 · answered by Puresnow 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, i suggest that you stop doing the things while it is their mothers time and if your husband wants to do it...let HIM do it! I think it is ok to help them during the times it is his turn with the kids but other than that....she needs to help out! Sometimes when a person knows they can push over the limit they will...so put a stop to it! If she is late picking her kids up, take then leave and do what you gotta do....then make her responsible for having to pick up the kids when YOU are done doing what you gotta do. If she feels like she can't get the kids call the cops for abandonment, she needs to realize they are her responsibility too!
2007-03-25 11:35:19 · answer #4 · answered by Benita Applebum 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, when she has their kids, it doesn't matter if she has her sister watch them, her mother watch them, whatever. The custody and visitation schedule is between your husband and her, not you. Your husband is also right, you knew he had these 2 kids when you met him, and its not like you married him and then he sprung these 2 kids on you. If he has physical custody of them for most of the time, and you are a stay at home mom to your own 2 children, it's only natural that you're going to play more of a mother role in his other children's lives as well as your own. But you can't interfere in the custody agreement between your husband and her. If she only has them twice a month, then you'll have them the rest of the time.
On the money issues, if your husband isn't worried about it, why are you? Maybe splitting costs that she pays is part of their agreement. Again, it doesn't concern you.
Unfortunately, you don't get many breaks from being a parent, even a step parent, but if you're a stay at home mom, you need to take some. Talk to your husband, tell him you need him to be more involved in ALL the children's lives, not just the ones he has from his 1st marriage. He can help out with homework, he can help with bathing, etc. I'm the oldest of 6 kids, and some of my favorite memories are when my dad would take us, 1 at a time, and spend time with us. I remember dad taking us to baseball games, to the ice cream shop, all sorts of things. Kids CRAVE that time alone with their dad, and they enjoy it at any age. Maybe even talk with him about your needing to take some time once a week or so to do something just for you. Get a massage, manicure or pedicure, take a class, learn a new hobby, etc. Again, I'm just guessing that you're staying at home with the kids, but if you are, you've got to make the time to do things that YOU enjoy. It's very easy to fall into the "mommy trap," and pretty soon you wonder where in the world "you" went. I'm also assuming that your 2 children are rather young, since you've only been married 5 years. That's a rough time for ANY mother, and having older kids to haul around to their various activities, help with homework, etc., can be exausting--I know! Take a little time everyday for yourself. Even if it's just 5 minutes locking the bathroom door and staying in there by yourself!
Look at your local community college for babysitters, college kids are a great resource, always need the money, and are usually pretty good with kids. Of course, get references first, etc., etc., etc., just like you would with any babysitter.
Good luck to you!
2007-03-25 11:43:58 · answer #5 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Raising children is not easy, but it sounds like your husband needs to step up and help you more with those kids, yes i do think you were aware of the situation, and yes your going to take care of all them but he has to give you a break in the everyday hustle and bustle its needed and it seems like he is taking advantage of you as well, it takes 2 parents to run a household, he needs to go find an attorney that will take payments and get full custody of that dead beat mother...
2007-03-25 12:23:33 · answer #6 · answered by Renee 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
speak up for yourself, don't allow him to dump on u like this, yes u did know he had children, but u certainly didn't expect this, get an attorney and get full custody, and sue her for child support, since u have them all of the time anyway, or get a court set time when u have them, and when she has them, and hold her to it. your husband is disrespecting u, taking u for granite. these are not your kids, although u love them, its time for the slacker to do her failure share. let him know this has to stop, and mean what u say. we teach others how we want to be treated by what we are willing to put up with. she needs to start paying child support, and needs to either get them half the time, or give up her shared parenting.
2007-03-25 11:43:34 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The unfortunate thing is that in order to enforce the compliance of the mother in her responsibilities it is necessary to file a complaint in the family law courts and if it is in the order as to the things you describe then you can file a contempt of court charges against her as you husbands spouse. The inconvenience and encroachment of your life can be fixed but weigh all the consequences and changes that might take place as a result. Your husband was only half right in his statement that you knew of the baggage prior to your commitment to him, however, remind him that your commitment to the kids is unconditional and that an assumption of tolerating irresponsibility of your ex-wife would constitute abuse to you. If he was to be abusive you would seek legal intervention to stop it and the same is a rational action for his ex. Any objection by him as to the legal action might be met with the statement, "I agreed to accept your baggage in support of your children and their needs but not to give up my rights and freedoms to your ex-wifes inabilities to follow a court order. Also, maybe the additional demand on your time could be offset by taking the time out of your marital plan for yourself. Fair is fair.
2007-03-25 11:52:00 · answer #8 · answered by missionaryplus 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well, you knew he had an exwife and kids when you were dating him. And you married him. Hmmm.... then I guess you knew what you were getting into. His first obligation will always be to his first family, wife and kids - and he's a good man for doing that. You need to be respectful of him and of his ex wife, and let your husband deal with them.
2007-03-25 13:11:03 · answer #9 · answered by Lydia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You married a man with kids. You DID Not marry his Ex-wife. He needs to be a man and tell her that on the weekends, the kids are hers.
OR............you leave him with the kids for the weekend so that YOU can get out of the house.
I hope that you are going to be able to find some time to yourself soon.
2007-03-25 11:31:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋