Give me your honest thoughts,
I have revised it and i want to know if it is good:
Where no one is Alone
The wind sang through the midday sky,
The sun displayed delight.
Some birds began to mingle with,
The clouds’ intriguing white.
Twirling leaves drifted on the air,
The grass began to shift.
A sharp aroma filled the trees,
My breath began to drift.
A world of awe was all around,
Brilliant bliss consumed.
Nature put on the best display.
My thoughts became perfumed.
I could not understand why,
I Never knew such peace.
For just a single moment,
My troubles seemed to cease.
Blooming flowers, and stunning life,
Can shape a place unknown.
It’s safe to know that there’s a place
Where no one is alone.
2007-03-25 09:59:39 · 7 answers · asked by tHe_TaStE_oF_mInD 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
I can't agree with everyone else.
The rhyming is okay.
Your focus seems to be all over the place.
Your word choice is not the best.
Change the title to "Where I am not alone" it is more personal. And try this:
Wind sings through an azure sky,
and the sun shines with delight.
As black birds fly silently,
amid the clouds of white.
Feral leaves glide effortlessly,
as the grassy carpet shifts.
A fragrant aroma rides the breeze,
and my weary mind it drifts.
In breathless awe I am found,
in brilliant bliss consumed.
Lost in nature's symphony.
My thoughts become perfumed.
I do not understand just why,
I stumble on such peace.
In a moment of perfect harmony,
My troubles seem to cease.
Blossuming flowers and burgeoning life,
Shape this place now known.
It’s nice to know that there’s a place
Where I am not alone.
It is not perfect but it is going in a more unified direction with more control of sight sound and emotion. I suggest you take it even further and put your stamp all over it, again.
Enjoy.
2007-03-25 13:17:18 · answer #1 · answered by LORD Z 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's nice. I think the last couple of stanzas could have more punch. I rate it a 9 out of 10, or an A-.
2007-03-25 17:15:37 · answer #2 · answered by Ms SunShine 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Yes, I do like it. Perhaps a tad too much effort with the staggered rhyming couplets though.
2007-03-25 17:08:30 · answer #3 · answered by the_emrod 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
It's nice. I like the line 'My thoughts became perfumed'
2007-03-25 17:05:13 · answer #4 · answered by Butterfly Kisses ♥ 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Awesome poem!!! I give it 10 out of 10!!!
2007-03-25 17:07:52 · answer #5 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Very nice, it has a calming feel to it. I like it :)
2007-03-25 17:10:10 · answer #6 · answered by Jaim Jaim 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I think it's really good. It made me feel sort of calm :)
2007-03-25 17:08:06 · answer #7 · answered by Erica 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋