My heart is broken please help me!?

Question

my husband has just left me, we had a very volitile relationship, it was far from perfect, but I love him so much and I know he loves me, the fights just got too much.........I know this is probably the right thing to do, we were either really really happy or really really miserable, but I feel like I'm dying from the pain of it.........really wish it could have worked out.........advice please!

Answer 1

My very best advice is for you to NOT let some other man use you in your moment of weakness here.

Stay to yourself and stay apart from your husband for a few months. Maybe then you two will be able to try again.

Answer 2

Right now may be too soon to really be able to absorb some of the advice given here, you may need a little more time. But, if you're open, here are some things to consider:
1) most important- insist that both of you see a therapist first. See therapist jointly 4-6 times before moving forward. I would wait 2-4 weeks before suggesting this-- need to cool of a bit to get your head in right shape.
2) Require that he read, and you do the same, 1 book per week on problem solving and conflict resolution in marriage. If neither of you is willing, then the emotional energy to reopen the relationship isn't there and the lack of commitment will follow
3) Make a behavioral contract on how each of you will manage n escalating situation. The contract should be very specific on what behaviors are damaging and what each will do when they feel as if the anger is becoming destructive
4) consider the possibility that your love may be a dependency, or the loss of a role as opposed to a real person, or fear of being alone. These may be possible reasons for your loneliness- but certainly not the only ones.
5) consider time apart- 1-3 months of complete silence- a sort of truce to clear the air, then come together to try to refashion the relationship by making new decisions for both of you on how you'll treat each other.
6) consider a marriage enrichment weekend-- there are several excellent ones and they're often better than therapy (I should know-- I'm a shrink!)

Good luck!

Answer 3

Perhaps the best thing I can do is to tell you about a personal experience. (Which I"d rather not, but at least it's hopeful.) I was the one who left. I could see that I was fast losing my autonomy. I balanced the "ups" & "downs." It wasn't EASY, but...after the divorce, after all the nonsense of lack of communication, financial loss & so on, we became the BEST of friends. We clairfied so many misunderstandings of the past, partly because of "space" (literally) & because we'd been so mired down in the every day mundanity (is there such a word?) I think we had BOTH been totally confused. We also realized that marriage truly didn't suit us, & I never had a better companion. There was a far deeper, & more true sense of love after the divorce. & I was HERE through an early death, for which I'll always be grateful. As for a broken heart--I went through about a year & a half of not having a clue who I was, where I was going, or anything. A total MESS.
Believe me, you won't "die" from the pain. It's hell to go through, but so freeing when it's over. I have no idea if you & your husband can "go from here"--I certainly hope so. Please try to "hang in" there. OFTEN, people simply can't "live" together, & THAT is pain, too.

Edit: I don't like to look at answers before I answer! But a couple just got my attention as to TIME. & time can make all the difference. It's what you (both) do with it. That he left you for someone else is pure conjecture. Just another negative to add to what you're going through. (I only glanced, but things "pop out" to me.)

Answer 4

Just give it some time, right now you feel that you will never be the same, I know and it hurts so bad. The reason is it was volatile both of you just didn't understand what being married meant. Just give it some time maybe he will come back asking you try again and then again he may may not, would you want to go back to the way it was, really. You'll survive but your heart will cry for him a long time maybe not as much as it does at this time. But. you know something when a man leaves a woman your pride is hurt and you may think , Oh, how I love him. Give it some and I've experienced that and when I seen and talked to them again, I didn't really know them. Sometimes you think you love someone so much later on you see them and think to yourself what in world did I ever see in him. That is best feeling in the world to see someone you cried for and when you see them after awhile you laugh at yourself because you wonder what was wrong with me, sometimes it's just your pride is hurt. Pride can hurt and is the most awful thing for you to have because pride can tear you down.. That word PRIDE has caused more heart ache than any other word the English language.

Answer 5

I am male aged 50 and have had so much hurt but please believe me it does get better I was with a woman and we loved each other but i was spending to much time with my ex because our two and half year old died any way she found someone that gave her more than i did so i can't blame her but the point i am trying to get to i was grieving from the lost of my son and then my heart was breaking from my girlfriend leaving me and before that i was married and my wife left me for my brother so believe me i know what pain you are in all you can do is keep talking to people but even then the only thing that will make the pain go away is time and even then you will get days that you feel down,you may need to see your doctor.You can e mail me as much as you want and i will listen to you and try to help you.One day you may look back and say how could i let myself hurt that much.Right now you won't want to hear what any one has to say but i have been there so many times so i am here if you want to contact me.

Answer 6

Hi Joanne, I don't like writing this but when a guy leaves a woman its usually for someone else. Been there,done that,and had it done to me so I know how you feel.It could be as you say and your husband couldn't stand any more rows if so he may come back but ask yourself this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being happy for a few days and then have it all come crashing down on you . Its time to start rebuilding your life girl. Get your gladrags on , meet up with friends and get out there. Whilst you stop at home moping things will not get better.Make things happen.All the best for the future.

Answer 7

Being together seems only to of frustrated matters, did you not try talking to someone - family?, some people thrive on a life of highs and lows, in the end it gets tiring tho, maybe you both need time to chill out, no doubt a lot was said - most you probably regret. Try not to blame yourself - it takes two remember!. As others have said, time really is a healer, although at the time seems no comfort. It took me four years but in different circumstances. All i can suggest is try to calm down, talk to a family friend dont sit and stew on your own. Good luck.

Answer 8

I was and perhaps am still in the same situation. I think it requires both parties to calm down and not be so sensitive. The problem is that both of you care so much about each other that almost everything becomes a problem. Separation and being away from each other, even if just a few days, would be good. Let things cool down a bit.

Answer 9

I know it's hard. The best thing you can do is give yourself a little time to weep then get up and do things for yourself. Straighten up or update the house, go shopping, the movies. Go to church or visit with friends etc. Also I would get some counseling to help deal with the separation. It also helped me tremendously to go to church. I found it very relaxing and inspiring. My husband and I did get back together in time. The time away helped us realize how much we loved each other and how we needed to be more considerate of the other's feelings on a day to day basis.

Answer 10

It might work out in the end but for now yous seem to of made the right move for your love ,go out with your friends an have a break from blokes for now, just try an keep healthy an happy go shopping an buy your self some nice treats .

Answer 11

There is some reason you liked being in a relationship that is volatile. Is this the type of family you grew up in? Something you are used to as a child?
Either the two of you will realize you want to stay with each other. or you will realize it's not the way to live. So you will either get back together and do fine, or divorce and do fine but with someone else. But this first part of the separation is very hard to get through,, stay busy,, don't sit and brood about it.