hubby hurt me feelings, Hooters again....even after I explained?

Question

OK, recently hubby seems to be going thru a midlife crisis of sorts, and part of this is that he eats at the two Hooters close to us on a regular basis. I explained to him once that it bugged me, and we talked it over and he explained that he is not doing anything inappropriate and it makes him feel good to go to a place where the people remember him and are friendly. OK....well about a month later we went away on a romantic weekend, and the very next day, he goes to hooters, and it just hit me the wrong way, that even though we had this great weekend, he still felt the need to go somewhere and get 'recognized.' I explained to him how it hurt my feelings, and we had a big arguement and he said, well just tell me not to go, and I told him NO, I was not going to do that. So now my policy is don't ask, and I know he continues to go, but I don't bring it up anymore. Today I was doing laundry and found two receipts from H for the same day, and then I went back into our room and he had

he had moved the receipts somewhere, almost as if he thought maybe I hadn't seen them, so he is now hiding the evidence....and that hurts me. It hurts to know that he would rather continue to go there, that it is more important to him than my feelings, and that he is even willing to hide the evidence. I don't want to make a big deal out of this, because I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion, just wondering how I can cope with this graciously....I don't want to push him away during this midlife crisis...any advice???

Johnny G....you had better believe that I have jacked up the sex appeal at home...I'm doing things that I'm not comfortable with all in the name of making him happy at home, so please don't suggest that's the problem.

B K....I hear ya...and yes he knows that I want him to stop going, but I refuse to be his MOM and forbid him to go. He SHOULD have enough common sense to figure it out, he's not that dumb that I have to tell him how to behave.

Answer 1

I understand what you are saying, I really do. The bottom line is that if something bothers someone, hopefully, that person's spouse wouldn't continue to do it..whatever it is.

This, to me, sounds more like a Venus-Mars thing. I used to work in a police department and if I learned one thing there, it's that men--even the really good guys---don't think the same as women.

Your husband probably feels that he's going to a restaurant and the waitresses there know him, recognize him and probably flirt a little and are happy to see him, which makes him feel young and desirable. Mid-life crisis. Of course, they do this with everyone. It's how they make their living. Right now he doesn't care, but eventually he will realize this.

He's not physically doing anything with them, so he's not "cheating" in his mind. It's just attention.

I would bet 100% in your husband's mind that this has absolutely nothing to do with you, your attractiveness, how he feels about you as a wife, a friend, whatever. It has to do with coming to grips about getting older.

I know in your mind it seems that he is seeking out something in these women that he should be getting from you. He is. False flattery and compliments.

If it really bothers you that much then you need to tell him to stop going like he asked you to. Otherwise, I would just ignore it and eventually, he will get tired of it.

Answer 2

i think hooters has great food... I don't think that you have the right to stop him from going there. I mean, there's a no-touch policy for the girls, so you know he's not doing anything bad. All guys look at girls, it's when they act on that when it's trouble - and there's a policy in place at Hooters to make sure that doesn't happen. Also, there's beer, spicy wings, and usually a different sports game playing on almost every tv - what guy wouldn't love that!?
However, tell him that it hurt you to see him try to hide the evidence from you. Maybe strike a deal. You can go to hooters once or twice a week, as long as you tell me about it.
Also - his reason for going - a place where people remember him and are friendly - could suggest some deeper issues. Try spending more time with him, watch a couple of guy movies or sports games to include him a bit more. It takes a lot of energy for a guy to be romantic in the way a girl wants him to be, so maybe after that weekend, he needed to cut back and just be a guy. Like i said, you might be able to slow this down a bit by doing some more guy things with him

Good luck

Answer 3

What's the big deal if all you found was receipts
from Hooters. You did not find any telephone
numbers or lipstick stains, or anything else to
suggest a woman. Maybe he feel comfortable as
he says because people know him there and treat
him nice, nothing wrong with that. If he comes
home late and you notice he wants to spend time
less with you and always is at hooters then maybe
there is something to it. Hooters serves good food
and if he wants to go go with him as it will save
you the time from cooking.

Answer 4

That's a tough one. The prospect of my husband going to Hooters used to bother me. Over the years, I've realized that it really is harmless. Sometimes men want to be men and drink beer and look at attractive women. That doesn't make you any less of a beautiful woman yourself! I agree with the others that have posted, "at least it's not a strip club."
However, if he knows it bothers you and continues to go, that isn't acceptable. If he has developed personal relationships with these girls, that would bother me too. He should respect your feelings on the issue and try to work through it with you. Maybe you could come to a compromise that he only goes once a week or once a month.

Answer 5

It kills you, it hurts your feelings, it makes you feel unappreciated, but GOD NO DON'T SAY ANYTHING. He even said "then tell me to stay away" -- OH NO HUNNIE YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, you said.

Well he is doing what he wants so why are you unhappy?
See, you were playing games. You wanted him to understand that "that bugs me" translates into something else and you wanted him to figure it out and to OFFER to stop going. You wanted him to say "oh my god, precious love of my life, I would never want to hurt you so and it's only your hooters I want to stare at so of course my darling love I will never go there again." There you go thinking like a chick. NEWSFLASH - he does not think like a chick.

You can't come out and say stop it and he lies and tells you he buys Playboy for the thoughtful articles on international finance. No he goes to Hooters to stare at women's t*ts and a*sses all day long. Of *course* the little hotties are nice - they are *paid* to be nice! And you believe this steaming pile of donkey sh*t about the "it's where I am recognized"? Hey I walk into Starbuck's and they go hey man venti 3-pump hazlenut latte, right? I walk into half a dozen bars and they go hey it's that doofus who drinks 2-olive Belvedere martinis and tips great. No one at those places is prancing around half naked or with their T&A hanging out but I still go.

He's a T&A guy, period. So tell him - I hate it when you go to Hooters alone, so you have to stop. We only go to Hooters TOGETHER. Later today we'll go to VS and you can pick out some sexy lingerie for me, and I'll be your Hooters girl. If you go alone again no sex for a month. None. I'll be too upset to have sex. In 3 weeks we'll see how we're doing and how I feel and maybe we'll compromise and you can start going once a week without me. But for now I'm feeling a bit threatened by the whole Hooters thing so you have to cut back for a while.

Answer 6

I'm wondering if there is another woman (Hooters waitress) that he is interested in, so that's why he keeps going there.

My suggestion is to act like you don't care if he goes there at all. Drop the whole subject and keep acting like a wonderful wife.

Answer 7

1) realise that HOOTERS are better then HOOKERS.
2) Make him feel that its an interesting thing to you that he goes hooters instead of eating your food( erm, that is if you cook)
3)Get him to tell you what he would love to eat and cook it( erm, that is if you cook)
4) Show him your positive side.
6) Relax and everything would be fine.
P.S: Even if you want to have a heart to heart talk, keep it positive, don't pin blame on anyone. Afterall, you want him to open up to you , not clam up further.

Answer 8

You need to grow up some.

You should be a lot more concerned with alcohol in the stomach than anything the eyes or ears get at Hooters.

Answer 9

If that is all you have to worry about, you are lucky. Would you prefer he went to a stip club, massage parlor, or had an affair to get "recognized." Every straight male likes to look at hot women, Hooters is about the safest place for him to meet this need. Are you meeting his needs, so that he doesn't need to look elsewhere?
Are you dressing up sexy for him even when you are not on a romantic getaway, or is that the only time you get sexy. Do you meet him at the door wearing only a trenchcoat and panties and seduce him when he walks in the door. Do you wear sexy negligee for him?

Answer 10

I think your overeacting, and if this bugs you so much why didn't you just agree with him when he said he would stop going if you wanted him to? I've eaten at hooters many times and its the girsl jobs to make customers feel liked. Your making a mountain out of a mole hill, let it go.