Am I being a monster because I did not cry?

Question

… At my father’s funeral.

My father died about a year ago, and I didn’t shed a tear. Not because I hated him, I just… didn't feel anything. It didn’t phase me.

But the reason why I am asking this question is because after the funeral, my mother was utterly distraught, and she needed support and sympathy, but I couldn’t give it to her, because I couldn’t understand what she was going though. So, whenever she started crying, I would get uncomfortable and call on my brother or sister to console her, and I would leave the room.

But, after calming my mother down one time, my brother got angry at me and called me a ‘cruel and horrible monster’ for not crying and staying with her. It hurt when he said that, and I wanted to help my mother, but I didn’t know how, and I knew I would only hurt her more.

My mother still cries and becomes depressed sometimes, and I want to help her, but I think false sympathy would only hurt her more than nothing at all.

Is there anything I can do?

Well... I didn't think to put in my age... But I am thirteen. My father died when I was eleven, a week before my birthday.

Also, I do not think I am in shock. I just don’t think you should mourn the inevitable.

Answer 1

U r probably tyring 2 hold on a not cry but someday u won't be able to hold it in anymore. U just might of been young or u r holding back and u don't even know it. I'm sorry about ur father. as i said ull have 2 cry one day bcuz u wont b able to hold back any longer.

Answer 2

Everyone greives differently, and greif doesn't always include crying. You are possibly in some sort of shock and it just hasn't registered yet. Wait til an anniversary of some kind and he's not there, and it will regeister on your emotions.
There are also Christian denominations that celebrate death as a passage to Heaven, so the funeral looks likes a party. Not party hats and such, but they get together and talk about the life of the deceased.
It might also be that you have issues with someone in your family and have built up an emotional wall that your grief hasn't found a way around yet.

Answer 3

No, you are not a monster... We all face the loss of a family member differently. That said, the loss of a parent is exactly that, a loss. It leaves a void in your life that can not be easily replaced. What is missing here, is why you did not feel anything when you lost your father. Unless he was a "monster" there really isn't a good explanation for feeling nothing. As you get older you will learn that you miss him more than you realize now. There will be times in your life when he would have been there for you, but now can not. Ask yourself would you feel any different if you had lost your mother instead... At any rate, I think it will all work itself out, in the meantime, give your mom a hug, and let her know how much you love her...

Answer 4

Well your mother had a different type of love for your father first of all. Did you guys have some disagreements? People morn in different ways. You may find yourself crying years later you may still be in "shock" over the matter and it quite hasn't hit you yet. you are not a monster. Just try to be strong for your mother and be there when she needs you. Don't leave her every single time. Tell her is hard for you to see her in that state and that is why you leave. Not having your dad and see your mother suffer is prop ably just too much. Mourn in your own way.

Answer 5

It sounds like you've shut down your feelings. I don't think you're uncaring or a monster. I think you're protecting yourself. If you allowed yourself to feel, maybe you'd be overwhelmed... maybe it would hurt too much. Better to stay frozen. I understand it, but is this the healthiest thing for you? Eventually, you'll probably have to deal with your dad's death. Do you think that talking to a grief counselor,even if it's about your lack of feeling, would help?

Tell your mom that you love her and do what little things you can to make her know she's loved. Send her a card when there's no special occasion. Pick up a favorite candy or other food she loves and take it to her for no reason. Call her unexpectedly just to ask how her day is going and tell her you love her. That will help her without you having to deal directly with her grief.

Tell your brother that you just can't deal with your dad's death yet. It's too over whelming. Good luck.

Answer 6

ok ur not a MONSTER, ur really not. i have been to plenty of funerals (grandfathers, friends and such) and havent cried once. although nothing as close as the immediate family like a mother/father. some people just dont react that way. there is no rule saying u have to cry when things happen like this. people grieve differently that's all.

So you are unsure of how to comfort your mother. ur not alone. just talk with ur family and say," well u know i would really like to help at this time when everyone is grieving, but i wish i knew how" or something like that. communication is huge!!! and dont feel bad, its ur family they cant hate u for this. its just a different process for everyone.

Answer 7

You are a tolerant person and in control of your emotions, do weep in the bathroom after turning on the shower , the very same story happened with me when my mother expired, because of renal failure. But after her burial I went physically weak as if there was some energy drain from my leg. I am a doctor and a captain in the Armed forces, I am unable to understand this phenomena. But I wept in the bathroom, that at least made my heart light. This is a cruel world.

Answer 8

You are not a monster. Everyone has there own way of coping with things, some people just shut down and don't have any feelings at all. You can be supportive of your mother without acting like you are falsely sympathizing with her. Just because you are not sympathetic does not mean that you do not Love your Mom and can not be supportive and that is what she needs from you not fake emotion, just be yourself and Love your mom. That is enough for any parent.

Answer 9

You really don't need to understand why your mother is distraught or why you are not.

However, I think that you should feel some responsibility to comfort your mother in her time of need.

It's not about your feelings. It's about a moral obligation. No matter the emotional ties to your mother and father, please consider helping her in her time of need.

I assure you that if you reach out to her and comfort her, you will immediately feel a contentment in your heart because you will inherently realize that you are doing the right and moral thing.

Answer 10

I don't know what your childhood was like, but some people who have grown up in a family where no affection - physical or verbal - was shown , find it hard to express or feel certain emotions. It doesn't mean they are cruel and horrible monsters; it's just that they don't know how to empathise with people --- even with family members.