I'm having trouble trusting my girlfriend again?

Question

I've had a girlfriend for over two years. She's an incredibly attractive girl, and she gets hit on all the time. She's always been a "flirt" at work, but my problem is that she took it too far with a guy.

It was a couple days after a fight, when things were back to normal. I saw her texting someone and she got embarrassed and wouldn't tell me who/what/etc. She eventually showed me, and she was pretty much throwing herself at this guy (who she later admitted to me that she had a crush on), basically saying "screw my boyfriend, let's get together". Although she didn't technically cheat on me, she did emotionally.

I felt incredibly betrayed by this, and I've become incredibly insecure. She insists she'd never cheat on me, but I'm nearly paranoid about it.

I never cared too much that she "flirt" until now, because I refuse to believe that it's as harmless to her as it is to the guy she does it to.

I need advice on how to either get over it or ways for her to earn back my trust.

The incident occurred Feb 12th, and today is Mar 25th.


She hasn't been helping too much in earning back my trust. She was telling me today that she has fantasies of sleeping with other guys, which she insists is normal for all women. Hearing this was like a dagger in my chest... perhaps because I don't fantasize about other women, I don't understand how "normal" it is supposed to be.

I got upset after hearing this, and she decided "not to tell me anything any more", and I don't like that. I've known her forever, I WANT her to tell me everything. I don't want a girlfriend that keeps secrets from me. She doesn't want to tell me things like this because she thinks it'll make me upset (which it did, but I still want her to share with me everything). How can I convince her into being completely open with me?

Did I ask for advice on whether or not I should get a new girlfriend? No. We've been together for a long time, and I still love her very much.

Forgive and forget? I forgave her, but my problem is that I haven't forgotten it.

Couple more details and responses.

First of all, it was a ONE TIME THING. One incident. Singular.

I realize a relationship doesn't amount to much if there isn't much trust. Thus why I asked the question on how to regain trust, krm2020.

job e - No, she never physically cheated on me. She even told me she could, and that she turned him down. You can't make an inference like that from a few lines of text.

smartazboy7 - No, she doesn't still feel the same way she used to. For one, the guy in question doesn't work there any more. But when I say she's just a "flirt", I'm referring to harmless flirting, not "ehy let's be together" type thing. That was one text message. One. A month ago.

R B - Again, I don't understand why you people think this happened more than once. Is my question unclear?

fi - The "not-so-harmles" flirting was one incident. One text message, she did it when she was mad at me (a couple days after getting over a fight).

So far, "D mon" is the only one who correctly interpreted that actual nature of our realtionship. You're completely right, she could have just never said anything. I don't know why so many other people have missed this.

Gary G - another excellent response.

A Military Veteran - No, don't jump to conclusions. Where did I say I never did anything about it? No, I'm not her "backup". She was rebelling against me because she was mad at me. If she was actively pursuing a new romantic interest, she would have found one by now. She wasn't "cheating" on me because she was looking for something better, she was "cheating" on me to get back at me. There's a difference here: in one instance, she's doing it for herself, and in the other, she's doing it to try to hurt me... doesn't mean she doesn't want to still be with me. We all make mistakes.
Aggresively ATTACKING her won't solve anything, are you kidding? I think perhaps you're overestimating her "flirtiness". Having fun =/= playing someone

Answer 1

First, talking, texting, flirting, hugging, even a kiss on the cheek is what some friends and old friends do and even new friends sometimes..I(we) dont really know your gf, but I'd say, Chill....and give herjust a liiiittle bit of wiggle room and time and space and all if she needs it...a little...She's YOUR gf right now and we don't own people, right? to earn her trust you have to be trusting and trusted yourself and mostly open and honest with her as she evidently was with you. This seems next to impossible thses days, but you guys can try it .....sounds like you need to sit down somewhere quiet and have a little talk and DO NOT tell your "feeling" bc this is the death of relationships unless she is coaxing it strongly and then I'd say it's your call...bc only you know her and what you have all been through..
What I have always done and works for me, and many aren't this secure I suppose but you could think about it..is this...I Say to myself" She's with me now and no matter if she goes up to someone, talks to someone, hugs someone, kisses, someone, maybe she knew them before she knew me and tomorrow she can decide to NOT be with me, so I might as well enjoy the time and the Fact that she is with me now. After all, we came together and leave together (when you go somewhere)and all plus...I don't own her in any way and can't control her mind,thoughts,actions or choices and when I'm not around she can do all of this anyway and more, so i just have to learn to trust and she may like the fact that i do trust her and it may even turn her on that I'm so secure with myself and able to trust her with herself.
Yes this is kinda long, but hopefully it gets the point across.
If you try to "own" her and she's not the type to be owned, then she's gonna rebel and do what she wants to "spite" you and "get back" at you anyway, right?

Answer 2

Big Daddy. It's not your responsibility to find ways for her to earn your trust back. It's hers... That is a predicament. Sounds like your heart is in it for the long run. Maybe or maybe not her is as well. It may be she's had a change of heart. Have a talk with her. Ask her to meet you at the park. It's an open environment. Be upfront with her and ask her what her position is. If she mentions having second thoughts, let her go. Part as friends and move on. Don't ask her why, Huge mistake. Here's a secret baby. Women often don't realize what they have until they lose it. She will probably want you back if you treated her well. By that time you may not want her back. Women love to feel loved. And as a man it is our responsibility to do that for the women we care about. Couples have ups and downs. During the downs or during the long stretches when a new face enters the picture the grass turns greener for some reason. They feel that special spark again and they get excited. The sad thing is that spark doesn't last very long. I'm a man and men are men. What do most men think about when entering a NEW relationship? You know it and every man who reads this knows it. They may not admit it but it's the truth. So what happens when all is said and done and the new exciting face just turned out to be a mistake because they weren't who they thought they were? They feel bad and realize what they had. Now on the flip side. What if she says she wants to work it out and will try her hardest to work things out? That's when you take her for her word and never look back. If you keep bringing it up as the relationship continues your going to strain the relationship until it falls apart. Goodluck Big Daddy.

Answer 3

Peep this, hombre:

Dude straight up, no BS, she has womanized you.

You need to either take charge, or get a new girlfriend.

You saw a text message fro her to another guy? you did nothing? Weak.

There is nothing you can do or say to keep her, she's already decided you aren't enough for her, or maybe you are her good buddy / backup / standby to her for whenever it doesn't work out. She's got you wrapped, on a chain, in her pocket.

Your tactic is: Be aggressive. Take charge. Next time you are with her give her something new that you haven't tried. Be cold, don't be nice. Don't be all lovey dovey. Be like "who is this guy? Punk biyatch!" "Damn and look at you, you slut! You're nothing!"

She'll either leap into how sorry she is or get fired up, or end it.

But at least you'll have your self respect, either way. She's played you and needs a lesson.

You started this letting her flirt with other guys. Your fault. So finish it.

Walk tall or you will get walked over.

And yeah, you are gonna tell me how I am so so wrong. Read some of the other responses, and clue in.

She's always been a "flirt" at work. She's an incredibly attractive girl. She gets hit on all the time. admitted she had a crush on another guy? I've become incredibly insecure?

Wow.

And you feel like King Kong when you are with her. Realize you are you, her with you or not. Do not NEED her to support your own low self esteem. Be your own man, be James Bond, lover of a million girls just like her.

She's hot she's used to getting told she's hot. And you fell into line. Look what happened. Now, change that up.

Good luck. Do damage control and take charge immediately. Every minute counts.

Answer 4

If you don't have trust then your relationship is worth nothing. In my opinion she doesn't sound very trustworthy anyway.

Oh brother. If she LOST your trust then their is no need to try to regain it. If a woman does stupid stuff like that once then they'll do it again. Most women will only tell you half the story anyway which is what she gave you I'm sure. End the relationship. Or you can be hard headed, trust her again, and let her rip your heart out and tap dance on it in front of her new boyfriend. I bet you choose the latter. Just remember you can't turn a ho into a housewife.

Answer 5

If you want to really feel better about your situation you have to be upfront with your girlfriend. You have to let her know that her flirting is making you feel uncomfortable and that her thoughts of hooking up with someone else hurt you emotionally. Ask her if she still feels the way she used to. Don't get stuck in something that will eventually hurt you more in the long run.

Answer 6

It was ok to forgive her the first time. By her doing it again proves she doesn't appreciate/respect your relationship. You should be worried. Sorry. You deserve better.

Both Men and Women fantasize about sleeping with someone other than their significant other we just RESPECT them enough not to tell them.

Answer 7

You will never forget, you must except that she is human and made a mistake. It sounds like she is trying to be open and honest with you and trying to make ammends. If she wanted to she could have never told you anything and just kept going. the fact that she didn't shows great commitment and reslove.

You must come to terms with your emotions, not that the are not valid but maybe exagerated, and talk to her honestly and openly.

Be honest with her and yourself, and also listen to her and UNDERSTAND what she is saying AND NOT SAYING.

To many people listen now days and never HEAR what is spoken.

Answer 8

Texting lets you control the tone and establish what kind of conversation you want to have. Learn here https://tr.im/kxiAF
This is probably the most important part. With texting, you can stop and think about what you want to say to your ex at each step of the way. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can take your time, figure out the right thing to say (I’ll give you most of it), and be strategic with your ex without saying something that you’ll regret.

Answer 9

Nope there is no way to regain that lost trust unless you wish to delude yourself. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Answer 10

Give her another chance.. I think she texed him in the moment of passion or anger with you.. Doesn't matter.. Continue your relationship and observe her