We were married for 5 years at the time he was diagnosed with an advanced stage of cancer.It wasn't terminal but we were told the journey to get him better was going to be a very lond one.When I found out I totally lost it and I know it was extremely wrong of me but I left him because I didn't think I could deal with the disease and how it'd affect my life.He didn't have any other family so I did feel very guilty but I didn't feel like I had a choice but to leave him.It's been 2 years and he's in remission.I want a second chance so badly.He treated me like a queen throughout the whole time we've been together and I still love him as much as ever.He won't even look me in the eye let alone consider getting back together.What do I do?
2007-03-24 20:27:49 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
Do him a favor and leave him alone. He is not cured 2 years out (that's usually at the 5 year mark) and if he has recurrence, you are going to dog him again.
Questions like this remind me of the disappointing sides of humanity. Even in your description, you do nothing but frame things in how they affect you, "...the disease and how it'd affect my life..." and "...he treated me like a queen..." By and large, people rarely change, so stay away from the poor guy and tell your story to every new man you meet (so at least they are warned about how you are).
2007-03-24 20:37:09 · answer #1 · answered by CaliDoc 3 · 6⤊ 1⤋
This is going to sound harsh, so if don't want to face the truth, read no further.
You deserted him when he was at his most vulnerable...if you were in his position would you want you back???. I'll ask you one simple question: What are you going to do the next time the going get tough?
You do not deserve him. He has been through hell and has a second chance at life, I fail to see why he should waste it with you.
I won't give you advice on how to get back with him, I don't want to be responsible for a man's heart being broken...for a second time.
If he does take you back, consider yourself extremely lucky and learn your lesson. Next time it gets rough, stand by him.
If he wont take you back, well tough luck, let him live in piece.
We all make mistakes and have to live with the consequences, it part of being an adult!!
Added at a later point:
I just read it all again, and realised you said the cancer was NOT terminal. If you ditched him when you knew he would recover then I really don't know what there is to say. I think you should just learn from your mistake and leave him be. If you love him let him rebuild his life. Be his friend if he needs one. I don't think I'd recommend re-entering any kind of other relationship.
2007-03-24 21:38:32 · answer #2 · answered by . 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, you promised for better or for worse. You left him when he needed you the MOST! I think you should have asked this question several years ago ,before you left him, then you could have received help for your fears. Aside from a miracle you will NEVER get him back. If he treated you like a queen and you left him when he needed you, it tells him that you are selfish and he will never trust you again. I would tell you to learn from this and move on to find someone else that will give you a chance. With some luck you will find a nice man again, but you will always have to live with the fact that you left the man that you loved when he needed you the most and you lost the true love of your life. I am so sorry for you. Move on,and leave him alone. He has suffered enough. But you should explain why you hurt him the way you did and ask for forgiveness, maybe you could be friends.
2007-03-24 20:38:48 · answer #3 · answered by gigi 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's going to be very difficult for him to trust you again, I'm sorry to say. The main question in his mind is going to be, "Gee, if I get sick again, will she once again abandon me?" And it's a valid point. Do you know for sure that you would stick with him if that happens? If so, then this is what you'll have to get across to him. And it's extra hard because he wasn't pronounced terminal so you can't tell him that the thought of losing him was just too unbearable. The only way you stand a chance is to be humble and admit you were being selfish. I would say something to the effect of, "Babe, I can't believe I was so incredibly selfish when I should of been the main person you could lean on. I took a vow when we married that I'd be by your side for better or for worse and I broke that. I was thinking of how stressful and long it would be before you got better and for reasons I don't understand, it just seemed too much for me to bear. But I know I was wrong and I have felt guilty each and every day. If you give me one more chance, I promise that whatever we face in the future, we'll do it together. I know it's going to be hard to trust me, and if you need time, I understand. We'll take it as slow as you want. I'll even go to councelling with you or by myself to find out why I did what I did so that I make sure I'll never leave you again. Will you consider taking me back, I love you."
Try and tell him this in person. Send him some flowers with a card that reads, "There is something important I need to tell you. Please call me." Give him a few days to think this over. If he doesn't call, then call him and arrange for him to come over for dinner. Make his favorite meal, light some candles, and put on some of his favorite music turned down low. If you do all this and he still says there's no chance, you can say, "Well, I love you so much I'm not going to give up trying."
Send him a love card once a week for several weeks saying how sorry you are. If after THAT he still says no, let him go and move on. I wish you the very best and will be praying that he forgives you.
2007-03-24 20:55:38 · answer #4 · answered by Gayle 4 · 4⤊ 1⤋
First, take a step back and make sure that the reason you want him back is not because of the guilt you feel. Second of course he is not going to feel like he can trust you after what you did. Personal experience talking here, when my loved one was diagnosed I thought it was the end of the world and grief can make you do really stupid things. I would give him a well thought out apology and the offer of friendship (friendship only). Don't demand anything of him and don't push the topic, let him make the final call. He might forgive you but prolonged contact might be too much to ask at least right now. If he doesn't forgive you let him move on and move on yourself, chalk it up to a learning experience.
2007-04-01 13:15:25 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he would be better off without you. You didn't support your husband through a very difficult and stressful time in his life. If he is forgiving enough to want you back you better be thankful because he is truly a wonderful man, far more than you deserve. You think you had a hard time dealing with his illness what about him. All of this was happening to HIM , the treatments, the doctors visits, and YOU couldn't handle it??? I think your are either a very selfish or cowardly person. I do understand that it is scary when a family member has a deadly illness but that is when they need you most.
2007-03-25 05:25:26 · answer #6 · answered by Ana Maria 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest you move on,,,,,,,for so many reasons.
First of all you don't love him if you read this question that YOU wrote very carefully you will realize you don't love him,,,,,,, YOU lost it (u first),,,,,I left him because I could not deal with the disease (u again),,,,,,how it affected YOUR life (u again),,,,,,,,YOU had no choice but to leave him (u again),,,,,,,I want a 2nd chance (u again),,,,,,,he treated me like a queen (u again) It's all about you never once then when he was sick did you think about him and how he would feel what he was going thru,,,,,,and not once now are you thinking about him and how he feels now. Your selfish, I'm sorry if this offends you that's not my intention but you do need to learn to think about others from time to time specially if that person is your husband. It doesn't mean that for this reason you need to live in guilt not at all that's not God's will either forgive yourself and apologize to him and move on girl until you realize selfishness doesn't get you anywhere but a lonely place.
2007-03-24 20:59:47 · answer #7 · answered by calimexgirl!! 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
You need to realize that you totally screwed up, betrayed his love in the worst possible way and you need to head on down the road of life - by yourself.
Your husband has been through some very serious life and death situations which made him think very closely about life, his own mortality and what was really important to him. You were not there for him when he really needed you to be.
You say he treated you like a queen and yet you chose to abandon him when things looked grim. Now he knows that he can't trust you, doesn't need you and will be much better off without you.
2007-03-24 20:39:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Having had cancer myself, I wonder why I would want someone like you back after you left when I would have needed my wife the most. My wife was the one thing I had in my life that made me get through the 6 months of weekly chemotherapy sessions.
It's been almost 7 years, and I treasure her more than I can say. I've found out since that the anguish she was under and successfully hid from me, was what caused her breakdown. And I was there to get her through her ordeal.
Marriage is a commitment to put the other person's needs and wishes ahead of your own.
Better or Worse, Richer or Poorer, in sickness and in health, Until Death do you part.
2007-03-31 11:24:14 · answer #9 · answered by philcya 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I can't believe you think you deserve a second chance. Have you asked GOD for forgiveness of what you put him through when he had cancer. I was diagnosed with cancer the 1st year after we got married and my husband was right here by my side.. You are very selfish, I don't even know if you have what it takes to be married anyways. You should go to church and see what you feel like after that. If you truly love him as much as you claim then get down on your knees and beg him. He may forgive you and take you back.
2007-03-29 07:33:58 · answer #10 · answered by Denise K 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋