I temporarily live w/ parents. My father, her grandpa spoils her rotten and thinks that everything she does is adorable. Lately she's gotten so cocky that I'm embarrassed by what comes out of her mouth in public. I do spank her, but I reserve that for only the most objectionable transgressions. How do you reprogram bad habits?
2007-03-24 19:48:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I have a forceful way of speaking, so I know (regretfully) that she gets her tone from me. But I can't seem to get her to understand that she can't boss and sass everyone whenever she feels like it.
2007-03-24 19:50:40 · update #1
When you spank, you teach her nothing useful at all. You make her understandably resentful and angry and you'll get more cockiness.
Since you are living with your parents, obviously something's up with your child's father. I would trust the wisdom of your dad to know that his granddaughter is missing lots in her life. Do not blame him doting on her for a lack of good example and solid teaching by you. Spanking teaches nothing - and lowers the iq - so it's not surprising you're not happy with the results you're getting.
You reprogram by teaching and by having swift, meaningful consequences.
"I think you are saying that you _______, but we need to care about other people's feelings and not say things like ____" If she is doing something outrageous, say "Oh, I know you want to gain control of yourself, so I will take you outside while you calm down and think of ways to not ______"
Stop the hitting. It's an utter failure of parenting.
2007-03-24 19:59:31 · answer #1 · answered by cassandra 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The illusion as a parent, particularly a new parent is that a child is controllable. This is false as I'm sure any seasoned parent can confirm.
However, a child IS impressionable. With every child it's different. Each different child yields a different way of seeing the world and develops a different way of processing that.
What you're actually reacting to the most is your own discomfort or embarrasment to her behaviors.
You can teach them that this conduct is unacceptable to you and others. But how well the child recieves that message is up to the child in the end.
My first suggestion is not to give rise to it. If that works, then you'll know it was a stunt to get attention. Then you can show her there's better ways to get the right kind of attention, soon a real moment is passed on.
She also needs to understand that the language is not the real problem as much as the intent.
As far as your Father is concerned, realize he may be judgeing your parental skills and feeling like he has to compensate in some way.
Or, he just isn't faced with the full responsibility of raising your daughter because you're the parent.
I've been there sister. Hang on.
2007-03-24 20:09:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Would your father have put up with that behavior from you? My guess is that he wouldn't, though perhaps I'm wrong. Have an open and calm conversation with your father and explain your concerns and what you think would be helpful to you and your daughter. It's probably hard for him, too, because it's likely that he just loves getting to give her all of that special treatment, and that he gets to do it even more now.
As for her, I guess it partially depends on age and of course upon your child. You could try a little vinegar-water on her tongue when she does this. If she does it in public, go home. I am proud of parents who will simply leave a store without completing their shopping because their child cannot handle it. Going to the store is a priviledge, getting to go out to dinner is a priviledge, etc... That means that she's not entitled to them, so take them away, leave early, whatever. I do not recommend spanking in public. Take away something else that matters to her, but not in ways that are more severe than the crime.
Then one should consider rewarding positive behavior. Maybe she gets to watch a movie with you if she is good that day, or if she's good all week she gets to go shopping with you. Quality time with you can be helpful, but it will probably also mean modifying your own behavior a bit or at least trying to keep your own admitted occasional bossiness in check. It's wonderful to encourage assertiveness, but bossiness and such make up another matter. She learns this behavior somewhere, partly from school, TV, and movies too--take those things into consideration also. She'll learn what not to repeat when you slip or when she hears something rotten on TV, but you'll have to teach her, and it would be nice if your father and mother could reinforce it while you are living there.
2007-03-24 20:12:27 · answer #3 · answered by joy_like_a_fountain 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let's see...if my daughter got cocky with me, I guess I would get down on her level, eye to eye, restate what she said in an appropriate manner, explain that her tone was not necessary, and that I don't care to speak with her until she can speak to me respectfully. And I would make it a point to react that exact same way every single time she did it. And if she did it at a store, or restaurant, then we would have to excuse ourselves and go home...making it clear to her that she behaved inappropriately so we could not continue our activities....but always using the tone of voice I expect her to use when communicating.
I'm not a fan of spanking unless the action poses a risk towards the physical well-being of the child or another person.
2007-03-24 20:49:54 · answer #4 · answered by Madre 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Kids are like sponges - they soak up everything they see, and model your behaviour and that of those around you.
You need to model the behaviour you would like to see in your children.
If your father is spoiling her and affecting her language and beahviour then you need to talk with your father about this and the effect it is having on your child.
Your daughter needs to understand that you are the boss, and that she cannot direct the traffic so to speak, but you also need to show her that you love her by speaking kindly, treating her well etc etc. Spanking may be necessary but as you say, should be reserved for more extreme situations.
Best wishes
2007-03-24 19:59:33 · answer #5 · answered by pennoes 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
#1, if the child is getting out of hand, then some form of discipline is absolutely neccesary, ( and yes, corporal punishment is acceptible). #2, if your fathers actions are causing this, then it is up to you to put a stop to it. Explain to him what is happening and that it must stop. Aside from the embarresment you suffer from as a result of your daughters behavior, there is a big risk of getting a reaction from strangers that is less than safe, ( there was a time in my life that, if a kid got mouthy, i was in the parents face ordering them to spank the child, and reating with less than quiet grace if they tries to refuse). If your father won't listen, then you should move somewhere else, ( even a shelter is preferencial to your child becoming a "monster"). By the way, i'm a father of 3, and the grandfather of 3.
2007-03-24 20:13:52 · answer #6 · answered by willie 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Talk to your dad and ask him to help you out. If she says something bad tell him not to laugh or tell her shes adorable or whatever he might do to reinforce it. Be firm and consistent with your punishments. You could try to take away privileges such as tv or toys. But make sure your dad doesnt let her get away with watching tv or playing with toys when your back is turned. Tell him you want her to learn good habits and dont want to get a phone call from the principal when she starts school about her cussing out her teachers. You just have to show her that mom is boss and she isnt going to get away with her current behavior. But you're really going to need your mom and dads cooperation with this if you live with them.
2007-03-24 20:01:12 · answer #7 · answered by Amanda 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kids are mouthy to some extent anyway. I draw the line at the disrespect stage. Both of my girls know what that is and expect to be punished if they cross it.
I got told to "shut up" once!
2007-03-26 03:49:35 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, for starters, get the grandfather to cut back on the spoiling. If she's misbehaving, then remove any factor that would reinforce it. Don't let her have junk food or toys or whatever it is she likes if she's being a brat, explain why she's being punished.
2007-03-24 19:53:23 · answer #9 · answered by AxMan_12 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm not saying spank her or anything but you have to show her who's bossy next time she says something you don't like take something away from her and get her to remember who mum is around here
2007-03-24 19:54:06 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋