Am I Right for this????

Question

My husband went back and told his mom about problems we were having in our marriage and she sent me a rude email telling me off and saying that everything was my fault. I am not close to her. She doesn't have my cell number and when we visit we hardly say ten words to each other. I told my husband that I want nothing else to do with her and I don't want her to have anything to do with our daughter (1 year old) because I am afraid she would bad mouth me. This isn't the first time she has bad mouthed me. Am I wrong for not wanting her to be a part of my daughter's life?

I have never said anything bad or negative to her.

I already spoke with my husband and told him that our problems need to stay between us or either we need to seek counseling.

She didn't want us to get married in the first place and I have always been polite. It just feels like when she does bad mouth me, my husband doesn't do much to defend me.

Answer 1

You need to talk to your husband about him talking to his mother about you. Sure he has a right to talk to him mom, but he knows his mom doesn't like you, and is the kind of woman who would send you an email like that after he talked to her.

My mother is hateful mean woman, and I learned a long time ago not to talk to her about certain things because she is the wrong shoulder to cry on.

You should ask him to please not talk to his mom about you, because she will use it as an excuse to be mean to you. Also tell him that's why you worry about letting your daughter be around her. You may not have to keep your daughter away from her grandmother all together, but the two of you need to protect your daughter from her rage.

If she can be a loving grandmother to you daughter, I hate to see you keep them from having a relationship, but they can have a relationship that you control.

Since your daughter is only a year old, it very easy to keep control, and if you set the standard now it will be easier in the future to control what contact they have.

I've really curious how your husband responded. He needs to talk to his mom and tell her that email was out of line, and that you aren't just his wife, you are also the mother his child and he has to put you first. That's how it works, and if she wants to be involved she needs to restrain herself. She should be able to think you are Satan and be able to keep her mouth shut because he she loves him and wants to keep him and her granddaughter in her life.

You are right, you can't trust a woman who behaves that way with your precious daughter, but she probably isn't evil. She's probably been deeply wounded, and hopefully you can find a way to relate with her that allow her to be a grandmother to your daughter, but she needs to know if she doesn't act right, your daughter comes first.

Don't give up on her completely, but don't risk your happiness to make her happy. Protect yourself and your daughter from her and if your husband doesn't support you make it clear you won't be treated this way and you expect him to stand up for your marriage and family even if the person he has to stand up to is him mom.

If my mother ever did something like that to my husband I wouldn't let him respond to her, I would do it. She's my mother, and I'd expect that from him as well.

If you want him to defend you then you need to tell him just to be sure he realize that's what you want. If he doesn't think he should defend you to his mom, it's time for counseling, in my book.

Answer 2

i think that if you choose to have nothing to do with her that is one thing, but you daughter deserves to have a relationship with her grandmother and Visa versa.. i understand that you do not want her bad mouthing you to your child. then you should make that point very clear. and if she does then i would say that she can only see the child once she can stop trash talking about you. it isn't fair either for your child (who loves and respects you) to see some one put you down.


also your husband should not be putting his mother in your marriage. and i think you should put an end to that, also maybe you and your mother in law need to have a sit down, just the two of you, you may never really like each other, but maybe you can find a way to get along.

Answer 3

Your husband's loyalty seems to be to his mother. He has no right running to her about his problems with you.

I wouldn't actually keep her from your daughter but I would make sure that both she AND your husband know that you will not put up with anyone saying anything negative to your daughter.

Tell your husband to stop being such a big a$$ baby and give your marriage a chance to work without involving other people.

My mother in law was no better, however my husband and I decided not to let anyone interfere in our lives.

Answer 4

I like that you told your husband where you stand, but keep
in mind, Grandparents have rights of visitation with their
grandkids. Best would be to make sure you are with your
kid when seeing Grandma, in her presence, so there is no
back biting or parent slander of you from her. Kids are so
impressionable, and often chose Grandma's side over the
parent. My own mother annihilated my kids from me telling
them they did not have to mind me! Keep it cool with Hi,
How are You, a minimum respect. Your kid is watching you,
too! A child will repeat word for word what they hear at
home first chance when asked, and learn how to manipulate
adults against each other. Withholding visits would declare
War! Tear up a phone book, but don't let her words tear
your family of three. Be that loving three and show who is
better by example with a Win Win resolution.

Answer 5

I guess I will play devil's advocate........and try to look at it from differing points of view...

I am not sure how soon after this episode you have written this question but its seems to me that there is still some anger towards your mother-in-law. It is ok to be angry, but at the same time being angry makes it difficult to make rational decisions....one thing that could be done is try not to be so combative with your husband about his mother....quite possibly the problem doesn't lie with her. It is entirely possible that HE is your problem. If you two are having issues and he is running back to mommy to look for support it is entirely true that he may not be totally forthcoming with his mother in order to have her favor.

But also thinking about your daughter for a second....it isn't your daughter's fault that her grandmother and mother do not see eye to eye... it is important that children are raised by both parents and grandparents, because of experiences that can be shared by them... that and she may grow to resent you for keeping that kind of a relationship with a family member.

Just a few things to think about.

Answer 6

in a way yes because your daughter should experience times with her grandmother. You may not like your husbands mum for what she has done to you but she is your daughters grandmother no matter what. You never know, she could change when she's with your daughter. If you keep her out of your daughter's life, your daughter could resent* you for it in the long run.. let your daughter decide later when the choice is fair to her...
i may be 13 but my mum and grandmother had the same problem and im glad my mum kept my grandmother in my life, she did change..
well, hope i helped a little .. good luck

Answer 7

There is a deeper problem there. You need to find out what it is. If you rarley speak to her anyway. Why do you think she does not care for you. Why would she send you rude emails and be so improper to you. Where does your husband stand in all this. There are many things to decide but I would say no you are not wrong that is your daughter, but your husbands as well. No, your not wrong.

Answer 8

It wouldn't hurt to seek counseling. Try to focus more on your marriage and less on your mother-in-law. Ignore her and this will be a blow to her. Sometimes the more you try the worse the problem gets. As for her being a part of your daughters life she will be whether you like it or not!

Answer 9

I think she should be able to see your daughter but ONLY if you two can get along, if you are both just going to bad mouth each other or fight, it will be a bad example for her. you should tell her how you feel and then maybe start by going to the park, just the 3 of you until your relationship with your mother-in-law improves :o) GL

Answer 10

You shouldn't keep the Grandma from the baby, unless and until she comes home and tells you awful things that she said.

Somebody has to be the adult and if you love your daughter you will buck it up and let her see her Grandma.

Your problem is with your husband, not your m-i-l. You two need to make the pact that you will not badmouth each other to family and friends, and stick to it.

It is just bad news to bring your family into your problems, if you need to talk, go to a counselor.