How do you learn not to end up hating your own culture, even after it constantly treats you horribly?

Question

This is a tough question to ask without sounding absurd & offensive, so I'll try my best to explain it well:

Example; I'm a short light skinned black guy. My whole life most black girls, total strangers, have been nothing but offensive to me. When ever I dress nice & smile, white girls, hispanic, & some asian girls usually smile back & show that they like & want to date me. Most black girls however, will laugh at me & call me gay. I've learned that many black girls think if a guy is light skinned, short, & not the big dark rapper stereotype, that it means their not real men, & your weak. Even believe your on the "DL", & never give you a chance.

This attitude forces me to dress down, & made me feel ugly, stupid, & inferior. Black culture in general puts it's own people down when ever you don't fit what they think a real man is or looks like. I've always been rejected by it even though I try to be as nice as possible.

It's getting more difficult not to hate my own culture.

Also; I'm married now but still get that treatment from black culture. I experiencned something today that was infuriating.. My wife is hispanic, so the problems are more-so because now many blacks girls treat me like I'm on the DL/weak/unmanly, plus they feel I'm a fool for not being married to a black girl. & black guys, usually the bigger darker skinned guys, treat me like I'm less than a man to them. Black girls usually treat my wife terribly even when we go grocery shopping & one is a cashier. They won't greet us, or smile, nothing.

Because of how we're both usually negatively treated by black culture, we usually hang out in upper white areas to avoid harassment. That makes me feel sh*itty because I'm black, I'm apart or black culture, but always been rejected by it to the point that now I avoid it. And when even I bring something like this up, no one hears me, & instead evades the real problem by quickly & illogically saying it's all my fault.

How does one deal with this???

ms.knowitall - You said,

" I have a little of this myself. i don't like short men, overly neat clothes or a personality types, that i can't really tell if you are gay or straight."

"I like men who look and act like a MAYUN! Big hands, big feet, big bodies."

"and I seen some that look like I could beat them up. You probably have some of those features."

Thats too bad. Your basically saying that based on your perception of what you think a real man is and/or looks like, that if they don't fit these qualities, he is automatically weak &/or possibly gay.

I think it's women like you who make shorter men be overly macho, because if they don't act tough, girls like you will see them as pathetic. From my experience, usually the bigger the guy, the less likely he can actually fight & defend himself. I know since I'm a short light skinned black guy who actually knows how to fight & win.

Too bad most sisters like yourself only believe in physically bigger men who put on an act.

ms.knowitall - You also said:

"i know plenty of light skinned guys who are doing just fine in the dark skinned community."

Those guys are the ones who are tall, built, and put on the hardcore act. Or they really are gay/bi and enjoy being treated like a b*tch. Believe me, most of these big dudes your into (light or dark skinned) are just an act, not reality. Thats why they usually back down easy when it comes to facing death.

"They are usually soft spoken, overly neatly dressed, and not very macho. "

Interesting how when a guy dresses down, acts macho, and loud spoken, many girls complain and say he can't dress, they hate macho attitude, and is too loud. But once a guy calms all that down to get more women, girls like you complain he's too weak.

There seems to be no winning.

BT - You mentioned,

"What is even more disturbing though is the fact that you think the treatment you received in the past has something to do with the fact that you are "light-skinned" so to speak and "short"...maybe these same ignorant pigeonheads got the sense from you that You were the one hung up color and clowned you from the jump."

I know what your getting at, but thats an incredibly flawed arguement. What you say means, that before I ever had contact with other people, when I was a small child, that I just started feeling bad for being light skinned and short for no reason.

I never felt bad for being short & lightskinned until people made a big deal about it. I never even noticed my color or height until many black people made a big deal about it, & used it against me as if my color & height was a great fault and weakness.

People who think like you is what causes problems like this to never be solved because your more interested in absolutly blaming the victim.

Answer 1

I used to get treated the same way by SOME BLACKS (But I also agree that it happens in other cultures as well). But you just gotta ignore them. Because they're not all that great themselves, but yet they feel they are better than you. And feel the need to treat you like crap. Those people are very ignorant and stay the same throughout their entire life. How sad! I walk to the beat of my own drum. And I won't change who I am to please them. You just need to find some upper class, intelligent, and educated individuals to be friends with. After all the harsh treatment, I learned you can't hate them, because you would be hating yourself. And I know that not all of our people are like this.

Answer 2

This is simple to answer. Most of the black females I know, see white men this way. They are usually soft spoken, overly neatly dressed, and not very macho. This isn't to say all white men are this way, but you rarely find this style in black men. I have seen white men that make me say "DAMN he is fine"! and I seen some that look like I could beat them up. You probably have some of those features. i know plenty of light skinned guys who are doing just fine in the dark skinned community. Now you went and added another problem. People generally hate to see interracial couples. It doesn't matter if they like you ar not. The perception is, that you feel you didn't want a black girl and then they look at your style and think you are trying to be something you are not. They look at your wife and say he could have found a black girl better than her. You are basically right. I have a little of this myself. i don't like short men, overly neat clothes or a personality types, that i can't really tell if you are gay or straight. The interracial part doesn't bother me. I like men who look and act like a MAYUN! Big hands, big feet, big bodies. I'm sorry you feel this way about your race. I think you should go on being happy with your wife. Forget those other people, you are letting them dictate your happiness.If black girls wasn't beatin' down the door to be with you, they ain't gonna start all of a sudden. Look at Dennis Rodman, he had the same problem as you and even with all his money, I still don't like him! I love you because you are my HALF brother(kinda). Don't hate us, we all got issues!

Answer 3

i have to applaud your sincerity (if genuine). black people do not discriminate when it comes to treating people like **** sometimes. they treat each other in this manner and i guess it's a cultural thing, but everyone has their own internal hang-ups. black people are not necessarily ignorant they just act ignorant at times. Not all black women are like that, I think you have just taken the time to concentrate on the few that act in this manner and they stand out because their behavior is so disturbing. What is even more disturbing though is the fact that you think the treatment you received in the past has something to do with the fact that you are "light-skinned" so to speak and "short"...maybe these same ignorant pigeonheads got the sense from you that You were the one hung up color and clowned you from the jump. Or maybe you only went for the "light-skinned" sistas and they knew that who knows... the fact that you think being "light" has something to with this says a lot about you. I think this is as far as I'm going to get with this response.

Answer 4

I can give you a pat on the back for being your own person instead of following the crowd. You are one in a million. Maybe you and your wife should move out of that community and find a community of people who will respect you and your wife and understand what you have to offer. I understand what you're going through because my brother is white and dating a black woman and he takes a lot of heat from black men. You shouldn't listen to the people around you, I don't think you should feel stupid or ugly just because you don't look a certain way. The fact that you're not "thuggish" will make a lot of people respect and trust you.

Best wishes.

Answer 5

Dog you're trippin. You are coming in contact with a bunch of people lacking social skills. You are putting a lot of merit into what these feeble minded individuals believe. Bernie Mac said in House Party 3, "If people don't like you for who you are %*@k 'em." Be yourself. You are married and I am going to presume happy. Go to a different store and hang around more positive people. There is no reason for you to look down upon your ethnic group. Those punk muthasuckas aren't going anywhere in life and they are hatin' on you because you are doing the damn thing. Dress the way you want. Be who you want to be. You don't have to prove anything to any of them. How are they helping you? They are not doing anything for you so disassociate yourself from them. Don't hate yourself nor the ethnic group that you represent. Some black people need to learn what having dignity and class is all about.

Answer 6

I think that happens in many cultures. I went through it and have known other people to as well. Oh with some different issues. Not the cloths but its always something!
LOL!

Keep in mind, that your the tip of the iceberg and because you are you, it may make it easier for someone else down the road. Times change too. Ten years from know you will be a little older. It sounds like you may be in a younger age bracket, and things may look different to you then.

Take care!

Peace.

Answer 7

I feel for you, It's hard to be true to who you are without letting the world's perceptions influence you. My philosophy is just be yourself no matter what anyone one else thinks. If your wife loves you and you love yourself thats all that matters. No one else's opinion matters. My husband is only 5'9" and dresses well, (when we first met I thought he may be gay) but he showed me how manly he was very quickly. I learned that just because a man cares about his appearance that doesn't mean hes gay. My husband is the most manly man I have ever met, because he loves me and would do anything to protect me and care for me. So, I think you would be on same level as my husband, in your wifes eyes I bet you are the mostly manly man she knows! And to hell with everyone else's opinion.

Answer 8

tough one. lucky u have a loving wife. 2 ur own self b true. n the cashier,how much does she make? and she's stuck. U have choices and insight.

Answer 9

LOOK AT THE PLUS POINTS. THE BRIGHTER SIDE. WHY HATE?