before u husband deployed was he distance from you, and did he want to spend alot of time away from u with his friends? I wanted to know if this is right my husbands about to deploy and all he is worring about is getting drunk with his friends he will not even talk to me any more and it is really breaking my heart. i am starting to get the attuide like if he dosen't care y should i ? please give me advise
2007-03-24 16:47:15 · 22 answers · asked by A soldiers wife 4 in Politics & Government ➔ Military
i want to add thank you all who have already answered ur answers really mean something to me some even made tears fall, thank you all for your support.
2007-03-24 18:48:02 · update #1
Dont worry it is a Military thing, they are going to Party to go to war... and he will pull away from you, he is tring to cut the strings so he dont have such a hard time..You should know he cares but he has alot going on too.. He is going to go far away to a place where he knows nothing about.. He is scared too, men just show it different.. Before my husband left I didnt get to go through what you are going through because we only had a few days together (last minute medical change) but when he came home on R&R for the first week I was really really clingy, didnt want him to toot without me in the room kinda thing.. But the second week I started pulling away becuase I didnt want to feel the hurt... I wanted it to be as smooth as it could be.. I think this is what they do, I want you to know we are all here for you.. and you are not going through this alone, even if you feel like that.. just email one of us Military wifes, we will be glad to help you.. keep your chin high, and please remember sooner then never your husband is going to come home a Hero to all of us.. good luck sweety
2007-03-24 16:59:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
The drinking and being with his friends instead of you I believe it's not a military thing it's an age thing. The young guys do that alot more then the older ones. The guys in my age group don't do that they spend time with their families. Most of the older military wives I know would kick their husbands *** if they did that. The older you get the less you will put up with. You should talk to him not about the deployment but about wanting to spend some time together. If he doesn't want to talk about the deployment that is normal and don't push that issue.
2007-03-25 02:01:19 · answer #2 · answered by HA HA HE HE 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband wasn't going out with friends and all that (we don't really have that many friends here to begin with), but we each went through phases where we were distancing ourselves from the other. It's a psychological thing, kinda a defense mechanism if you will.
I'm sorry to hear that you guys aren't even talking. With my husband and I it wasn't like that. While we went through these phases (it was normally one at a time), the other one would help wake the first one up to what was happening. Sometimes it took a while, for instance, I felt the distance between my husband and myself, and could see it in some things, but when I would ask him if he was alright he would say "yeah, I'm fine", then after a while we would really talk about it and see what was going on. So basically we went back and forth between clinging to eachother and distancing ourselves.
My husband got back on Oct. 30th, and he found out in Dec. that he will have to deploy again this fall unless we can get another duty station. So, even though it's still quite a ways off, we have already had a little bit of the distancing. I was frustrated with how little we were making love, and one day I asked him about it, and he said it's the psychological issue, knowing he won't be getting any while overseas. Now that we discussed it and know what is going on, things are pretty much back to normal between us. A big part of it is that when it's on the table you know what you are dealing with, and in turn can work on it, rather than trying to figure out or fight a shadow. I can guarantee we will be going through more distancing issues as the time gets closer for anther deployment. (I'm praying that we will be able to get anther duty station where he won't have to go overseas. He would have to re-enlist for it, but if it means we won't have to be separated again I can deal with that much more time with the army.)
One thing you have to watch out for while he is gone is a subconsious blocking of the situation, shutting down your emotions in regards to it, so that you don't feel much. It happens slowly, and unless you know what to look for you won't notice it. It is a dangerous reaction, and can make it easier to do things that would hurt your husband at the least, and quite possibly wreck your marriage.
2007-03-25 00:43:09 · answer #3 · answered by cowgirl_mechanic_83 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been on 2 deployments over in Iraq. Most people want to spend time with their spouse but there are the few that want to become closer with the peolpe they will be fighting with for the next year. Give him as much support as you can and I believe everything will be ok. When he comes home on leave you will see a change in him, more than likely he will still feel deeply attached to his fellow soldiers but he should be wanting to spend every second with you while he can. I know it will be hard but give him a little more space due to the stress he is facing and give him 110% of your support. Good luck with everything
2007-03-24 23:54:21 · answer #4 · answered by Cowboy 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Trust me, he already misses you. Although I am a guy, I kind of distanced myself from my wife but trust me, when I was out trying to enjoy myself before all my freedoms were taken from me I thought of her soo much and thought how much I will be missing her. Coming home on leave was THE greatest feeling ever. Some advice from me to you would to try to fit in with all the things he is doing, remember he wont be able to do this kind of stuff for a how ever long his deployment is, try to enjoy all this time together. Good luck I am pushing for ya!
2007-03-25 03:55:16 · answer #5 · answered by Jopa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he has the wrong set of priorities, and you may want to make something of a deal about it. After having been deployed twice myself (once to Japan, once to Saudi Arabia for Southern Watch), the most important thing for me was to know that my wife was back home, thinking of me, and that what I was doing was helping to make the world safe for her and the family we wanted to have. Because I knew we wouldn't see each other for so long, I tried to spend as much time as I could with all of the preparations that were being made. I ditched my friends for her. Hell, I was about to be cooped up with them for months anyway, and I was about to be separated from her, so that was really a no brainer.
Let him know exactly how you feel, and because most of us in the military tend to be chauvanistic and mildly stupid, use simply sentences that only have words of two syllables or less to get your point across. If that doesn't help, I'm sorry to say, you might want to reevaluate your relationship, and that hurts me, because I saw any number of divorces for the same reason that you have posted. Best of luck to you.
2007-03-25 08:37:23 · answer #6 · answered by The_moondog 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
maybe he being out with his buddies is his way of coping, but he should not shut you out after all you are going through some of the things that he is. But then he should also realize that after he is deployed that you will have the weight of everything on your shoulders.But anyway just give him a little time then if he wont talk to you then you talk to him. I hope this will help.
2007-03-24 23:58:30 · answer #7 · answered by karen v 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is trying to mentally prepare himself for not being around and by not spending time with you he wont miss you as much at first. It will however come to haunt him a few weeks down the road. I used to do the same thing before I left to go over seas. It is sort of hard to understand But try to see it from his point of way. I am sure he cares. I hope the best for you
2007-03-24 23:56:29 · answer #8 · answered by Sronce 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
its hard i hate it when my husband goes too. no he wasnt but i think ur husband my be pushing u away to make the goodbye a little easier on him and his feelings. Just do every thing u can like taking pictures with him and let him go drink when it is time to say good bye he will see all the heart ache he caused u. sad but thats the way some soldiers are. they deal with separation differently.
2007-03-25 00:00:42 · answer #9 · answered by colodge_25 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a soldier's/Marine's way of handling things. Every person handles deployments differently.
Knowing that I was going to get deployed, I pushed people away because I didn't want to be a burden to them. It makes it easier for me knowing that I don't have anyone worried about me.
2007-03-25 00:24:13 · answer #10 · answered by BadKarma 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋