What can I do? She is beautiful and very intelligent.Her professional life is perfect. Looking at her you would think her life is so good, But her love life is HORRIBLE. Her boyfriend is pure evil. Her father and I, her sisters and brothers all worry about her so much. Her man talks her into giving up her paychecks every pay day and she always falls for his crap. She gives in to his lies and bull #@$%. I have decided to let her face her own consequenses now and not rush to get her when he's screwed her over yet again. I don't want to keep letting her move back home when things go bad but my heart breaks and I worry about her so much. She's my oldest daughter.I divorced her father when she was 4 and her 3 younger sisters and brothers were almost babies still. I prayed that I got them all away in time to have a good emotional life. It seems that she was affected far more than I thought. Her stepdad and I have had 17 happy years together with no abuse. How can I help my daughter?
2007-03-24 16:39:59 · 17 answers · asked by blakta2 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Refer her to me?.... Was worth a try I suppose.
My first assumption would be, was her father abusive, towards her, or you, or anyone else? If so... this could be an entirely different situation, but you said her father is worried as well (or is this your step-father that is worried, most likely I assume yes), which makes me believe that I could be completely wrong (if it's her actual father you are referring to), either way...
I'm sure you've tried talking to her, on many occasions, and it did not help. To me, it seems as if it is something wrong with her, most likely her self-esteem, which she should be aware that she is capable of much more, and better.
I'm really not good at giving advice to those older than myself, but I have gone through similar situations when it comes to abuse, or any form of family relation, but she needs to know that this man is no good for her, no matter how stubborn she is.
The next time you see her, or you (or her) decide to let her back in, let her unpack her things as normal, get situated, and just GRAB a hold of her, and tell her how you feel and let it all out. If you have all ready done this, unfortunately, give her an
ultimatum. Sometimes people need to be pushed to their very limits to finally find out what is best for them.
2007-03-24 16:57:10 · answer #1 · answered by brandonedbishop 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First quit blaming yourself. You did the right thing when she was little and she had 17 years of your happy relationship to see what good can be. Sooner or later she will figure out what he is doing to her and stop it. All you can do is wait him out. I think you should make it clear to her that the next time she "moves back home" that it will be the last time however. When she starts thinking about moving back in with him remind her that there will be no more "free move-backs". You don't run a hotel and she had better think three or four times before leaving. Then stick to your guns. It just might make her do a double or triple take and keep her at home just long enough to see more than she is seeing now. Just as you had to find your own way, so does she. We all wish we could save our children from making the same stupid mistakes that we did, but some times they just have to learn the hard way. I always did! Hang in there, it will all work out in the long run. Best wishes
2007-03-24 16:50:47 · answer #2 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing you can do until she is ready to let this guy go on her own. I put up with being abused for 10 years . I don't know what happened but it seemed one day I finally opened my own eyes into my life and didn't what to live that way any more. I have been away from my abuser for 8 years now and I couldn't be happier. Good luck to you and your daughter.
2007-03-24 16:59:17 · answer #3 · answered by buffy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I sympathize for you and really hope all goes well. Be as supportive as you can but don't let her move back into the house again. She's doing that instead of dealing with the situation, she'll never get out of it that way. Unfortunately, it's going to come down to her having to make a conscious decision to get out. Any attempts to convince her to leave would fall on deaf ears. She has to decide and she will need the support of her family and friends when she does. God Bless.
2007-03-24 16:45:57 · answer #4 · answered by bosco6159 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No matter how much you talk to her about it, ultimately she won't go until she's ready, and she may never be ready. If she's a grown woman you can't make her do anything...all you can do is be there for her and pray. I speak from experiance. I hope it turns out ok. But if you push too hard you can alienate her so just try to be there for her without pressure.
2007-03-24 16:49:40 · answer #5 · answered by okwriting 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I put my family through the same torture. It took almost a year to leave my husband even after I had made up my mind to do it. My mom gave me a poem. I don't remember exactly what it said but it went something like...
He gave me roses today, it was our first date
He gave me roses today, it was our anniversary
He gave me roses today, we had a fight
He gave me roses today, he hurt me and he was sorry
He gave me roses today, I came home from the hospital and he swore things would change
He gave me roses today, he lied things never changed today was my funeral
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke down and I realized that our relationship was THAT bad. I know in my heart that had I not left he would have killed me. He had already gotten to the point of choking me until I'd pass out.
My mom whispered in my ear one day when she was picking up our children for the weekend "you can always come back home." That night I went to work and I never stepped foot back into my house. I left everything I had and started over. It was the support I received from my friends and family that helped me through. I know it's frustrating for you and heartbreaking to see her try to make it work. Keep it up though. She may have that break through one day and if you're not there she may not take her chance to leave. If worse came to worse as in the poem you would forever wish you had urged her on to leave.
I left him 7 years ago. I had to get a restraining order. I even moved out of state once I had enough money saved up. He continued to beat up the women in his life and he died almost a year ago of a drug overdose. My mom cried for hours because she was so relieved that he would never be in our lives again.
2007-03-24 17:02:11 · answer #6 · answered by jess119mah 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked seriously to her about the consequences of this sort of toxic relationship? If you have, there is truely nothing else you can do, unless he gets abusive on a physical level. Then you can ring the police.
2007-03-24 16:44:24 · answer #7 · answered by Joanna d 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say it, but she has to learn by herself. Coming from a teenager's point of view, the more you push her, the more she's going to neglect you. My aunt (20 years old) had the same situation with her boyfriend and it took her 4 years to realize it.
2007-03-24 16:46:29 · answer #8 · answered by Cenicienta 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just be there for her. you can't tell her what to do but you can listen. when the time is right for her, she will do the right thing. we always want the best for our kids and the other half takes that away. she will leave when she realizes that this is going nowhere. good luck and i will say a prayer for you and your daughter.
2007-03-24 16:51:11 · answer #9 · answered by lynnie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She may not leave him until she realizes it's too late, what about getting the police involved? I know it's frustrating to watch because it is so obvious but hang in there, if she's as smart as you say I'm sure she'll realize it soon enough.
good luck.
2007-03-24 16:48:46 · answer #10 · answered by LuvUrGirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋